Finding Ourselves
by Samantha
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All belong to Fox, and UPN, and Joss, wish I had thought of them
first, but hey, at least I get to play with them =) "Emotions" i guess
belongs to destiny's child.
Spoilers: Well the end of season 5 and beginning of season 6, but I think most
people know what happened anyway.
Feedback: More than welcome! Enjoy!!
Faith sat perched on the window seat of the apartment the Mayor had bought her. She smoked a cigarette and lazily looked out over the parking lot. It had been long since the day when she had been the Mayor's good little girl. When she had hurt everything and everyone she loved in order not to feel the pain of the mistakes she had made. But ultimately those mistakes put her in jail, and all the pain had caught up with her. The way pain had a habit of doing. At first she had been all tough bitch, but slowly it had gotten to her. She remembered nights of crying, curled up tightly into a ball for the false sense of comfort and closeness. Her body craved the love she had driven away in her vain attempt not to feel, to always be the big bad strong one. She had pushed away everyone who really cared about her since her watcher died. Accepting only the quick superficial love of random boys and men. Even the mayor was all a big joke. The funny thing was the whole time she had thought that she had the control.
When really she had nothing. The therapist in jail had helped her learn to forgive. Forgive her dad for being a drunken asshole, forgive her mom for the choices she was forced to make, to forgive herself for mistakes that were almost unforgivable. Slowly she had come to terms with a lot of things. A week after she had gotten out of jail she was grabbing a soda at the 7-11 during patrol, when the most intense pain of her life had washed over her. She passed out on the floor of the store, waking to worried customers leaning over her. She left quickly and spent the next days wandering the streets of LA, sometimes silent, sometimes crying, always lost. When she finally pulled herself together she went to look for Angel. He confirmed what she already knew. Buffy was dead. The months that followed were a dark blur of slaying, and mourning. Occasionally she would talk with Angel, but mainly she stayed to herself. He called her as soon as he found out Buffy was alive. He had told her that Buffy needed time, that things were not quite right yet. So Faith waited.
Faith gave it all the time she could before leaving for Sunnydale. Now she was back in Sunnydale, just another place filled with bad memories. Buffy didn't know she was back yet, but she would soon. Faith wanted to find her alone. She needed her forgiveness, needed her friendship if nothing else. One thing she had come to realize was that Buffy was her other half. By both being slayers they had an unbreakable bond, she needed that bond. Tomorrow night she thought, putting her cigarette out and shutting the window. She climbed off the seat and moved across the room to crawl into bed. Tommorow night would be the night.
Faith slept late into the day, waking up well after noon. By the time she got around to showering the sun was going down. She pulled on a pair of dark blue jeans, a silver tank top, pulled on her boots, and grabbing her jacket headed out the door. She headed for the cemeteries knowing that was where she would find Buffy.
Buffy was a no show at the first three cemeteries. She saw her in the forth, sitting on a headstone watching for vamps. Faith stood back in the trees watching her for a moment, taking it in. Her hair had gotten longer since she had last seen her, she had gotten thinner too. But hey death and all, it's gotta cause some changes. She wore a white sweater and a pair of blue jeans, Faith thought she looked beautiful.
"I know you're there you know," Buffy said without turning. Faith froze.
"Come on I hate hide and seek, it's a dumb game," Buffy continued still not turning.
"Sorry B, guess we never discussed favorite childhood games," Faith said finally as she slowly left the cover of the trees. Buffy turned slowly getting off the headstone.
"Faith?" They walked toward each other, stoping face to face.
"Been a while," Buffy said quietly. Faith nodded.
"B, I'm," she started, but Buffy cut her off putting a finger on Faith's lips. Faith shut her eyes waiting for the worst.
"I know," Buffy pulled her hand away. "I forgive you."
"Are you sure?" Faith asked quietly, "Cause I mean last time I tried to apologize."
"I know, I am sure. Death changes some perspectives," Buffy smiled. Faith returned the smile.
"Thanks," there was silence for a minute as they just looked at each other.
"So, how's patrol?" Faith broke the silence. Buffy laughed a little.
"Exciting. Things a dead," Buffy said, "And staying dead."
"Freaky," Faith said looking around.
"You don't change Faith," Buffy shook her head.
"Well a person can only change so much," Faith was smiling. "But the important things changed," Faith was serious again.
"I know, I can feel it," Buffy said turning and walking, Faith started after her.
"So how was it coming back?" Buffy asked as they patroled.
"Hell," Faith smiled.
"Same here," Buffy said. Faith looked at her, realizing how torn up she was. It almost scared her.
"Hey, B, you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm ok. Tired. But ok. Actually I hate to say it, but Spike helped me a lot. God, I'm getting comfort from the weirdest places. Spike, you."
"Thanks, B," Faith teased.
"Oh, no, no I didn't mean it like that. I meant, well you know. Neutered vamp, ex crazy slayer..I should just start digging another grave huh?"
"It's ok, not like I don't deserve it, good to know psychos give you comfort."
"I'm glad you're back Faith."
"Me too."
They patrolled quietly a while more before Buffy decided it was time to call it quit. Together they walked back to mainstreet, where they would part ways.
"Where are you staying?" Buffy asked.
"Mayor's apartment, it's mine forever, no payments. Might as well use it right? Its really weird being there."
"I'll bet. Maybe I'll come over and help redecorate."
"Yes would you please? Little bunnies and hearts would be great," Faith teased.
"Hey at least Anya would stay away."
"What?" Faith asked confused.
"Nevermind. Fine then, no help for you," Buffy turned as if to leave angry. Impulsively Faith grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. Buffy's body tensed and Faith immediately regretted the hug, then she felt Buffy relax and her arms creep around Faith's waist. They stood for a minute, then pulled away.
"Night, B," Faith said backing up.
"Night," Buffy smiled and turned heading home.
Faith walked slowly home taking her time to play the night back through her head. B had forgave her, she hugged her. Why had it taken them so long to realize that the past was the past. Faith had gone to jail and Buffy to hell. Funny Faith had always thought she was the one going there. Faith let herself into the apartment, searching the refrigerator she grabed a slice of pizza from earlier, slouching on the couch she picked up the remote to channel surf. Being that it was nearly two, there wasn't much on. Her mind wasn't on it anyway. She was still thinking about Buffy. She seemed so lost, alone, and sad. Like Faith had been. How had she ended up the strong one? Faith questioned herself.
Faith woke a few hours later to a blank screen and a sharp knocking at the door. She stumbled off the couch and towards the door mentally cursing whoever it was. Or whatever it was, she pulled a stake out with that thought, just in case. She opened the door to see Buffy with her hand upraised to knock again.
"Hey," Faith said lowering the stake. "Uh what's up? And what time is it?"
"Late," Buffy answered.
"Oh, shit. There some big bad?" Faith asked.
"No, don't worry. Only my own big bads tonight. Thought I would see what you were doing," Buffy answered stepping into the apartment and past Faith toward the couch.
"Oh, the personal big bads. Those are always the worst. Trust me I know, they can make you pretty wack." Faith sat on the couch with Buffy. "So this is pretty much what I was doing."
"None of them understand at all, they think that me being back is just the best thing ever. They don't even notice how hard it is for me."
"Well, B, no offence, but Hell? Even Sunnydale is better than that."
"I wasn't in Hell. I think I was in Heaven."
"Whoa. Uh, well then, that's different," duh Faith thought, what a way with words.
"Yeah well I just needed someone besides Spike. So I thought you, me, both slayers. Both had some craziness."
"I hear that. Just remember they only brought you back because they love and need you so much."
"I know Spike said the same thing, I just, I needed you tonight Faith. I mean, I needed you before, but never like this."
Faith was silent trying to figure out what Buffy ment. Need like a lover or need like...
"Need like slayer," Buffy said almost as if she knew what Faith was thinking.
"Oh, well what can I do B?"
"Can we go to bed, and could you just hold me?" Buffy asked quietly. More confusion for Faith.
"Hold you?" She asked.
"Yeah, it was stupid, sorry I gotta go, I'll see ya," Buffy said standing to leave. Faith quickly stood to block her way.
"Hold up, it's fine whatever you want." Faith took Buffy's hand leading her out of the living room and into the bedroom. She turned to Buffy.
"You want something to wear?"
"Sure," Faith tossed Buffy a pair of shorts and turned to pull on her own pair. When she turned around Buffy was already in bed under the covers. Faith turned off the light and climbed in with her.
"So, hold you," Faith said still unsure. Buffy nodded and turned on her side facing away from Faith. Slowly Faith slid close behind her and put an arm around Buffy's waist. Buffy snuggled back against Faith so their bodies were in full contact. Faith couldn't believe what was happening. So many of her dreams had involved bed scenes with Buffy, but none of them had been as arousing as this subtle contact with her. She moved her hand through Buffy's hair a couple times, letting the vanilla scent wash over her before sliding her hand back down Buffy and around again so that the palm of her hand rested flat on Buffy's exposed stomach, her fingers just slightly under the shirt. As the first glimmer of light came around the edge of the curtains Faith fell asleep.
Hours later Buffy woke up, her head on Faith shoulder and Faith's arm around her. Gently she tried to move away without waking Faith. Just as she got off the bed Faith stirred realizing she was alone.
"Hey," she smiled, stretching, her hair rumpled.
"Hey yourself. Nice hair," Buffy smiled pulling on her jeans.
"Same to you, where you going?"
"I've got to shower and stuff before picking Dawn up. Thanks for last night. I needed it."
"No problem, it was a great night," Faith said before she could stop herself. To her relief Buffy smiled too, and walked over to bed sitting down on the edge. Faith instinctively put a hand on Buffy's side again. Buffy covered it with her own.
"Yeah, it was great," she said smiling. She leaned forward kissing Faith's forehead. "Thanks, I'll see you."
Faith watched Buffy leave before turning over. Crazy. What was even going on she thought? Buffy Summers had just spent the night in her bed cuddling. Faith smiled deciding not to worry about it, just to enjoy it.
Faith didn't see Buffy all day or while patrolling that night. She was beginning to think maybe Buffy was regretting something from the past night. Then she reminded herself that nothing really happened. She was still debating it as she turned into her hall of the apartment building. Buffy stood leaning against the wall by her door. She smiled when she saw Faith who smiled back.
"Hey girlfriend," Faith said trying to keep it cool.
"Hey," Buffy answered. Faith opened the door and they went in. Faith turned to lock it behind them. As she turned the lock she had a quick mental image that when she turned around Buffy would jump on her kissing her passionately and they would make their way to the bedroom ripping off clothes as they went. The lock slid into place and Faith turned around to see Buffy sitting at the counter.
"Got anything to eat?" Buffy asked.
"You know how I feel after slaying," Faith said winking. She opened the fridge to see what there was. Buffy moved up right behind her.
"Hungry and horny right?" She asked, Faith swallowed.
"Yeah, so, um, I got Chinese, it's from dinner. Spicy beef and broccoli, fried rice you know the usual."
"Sounds good, nuke it," Buffy said sitting back down. Faith grabbed two forks and waited for the food to be done. They ate in silence. As Faith washed off the plate Buffy stood beside her silently watching.
"What's up B?" Faith asked.
"Huh? Oh, nothing. Could we make it to bed early tonight?"
"You staying again?" Faith asked tentativly.
"If that's alright," Buffy answered. Faith dried off hands before turning to Buffy. She wrapped her arms around Buffy's waist, feeling Buffy's arms go around hers.
"Of course it is. Whatever you need," Faith leaned in kissing Buffy's forehead. Buffy smiled looking up at the slightly taller girl. They stood looking at each other for a few moments smiles fading. Buffy reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind Faith's ear.
"Thanks," Buffy said pulling away and heading towards the bedroom. Faith sighed and followed her.
Once again Buffy was in bed when Faith entered the room. Faith slid in behind Buffy. She leaned on her arm resting her head on her palm. With her other hand she started playing with Buffy's hair. She lifted chunks of the golden strands letting them slide back through her fingers. Then her fingers played gently over Buffy's upper arm, first tickling, then with more pressure, she felt Buffy's skin ripple with goose bumps. Suddenly Buffy sat up.
"You think you could rub my back?" She asked.
"Sure," Faith answered. Buffy sat up so she was cross-legged between Faith's legs. Slowly Faith started to rub Buffy's shoulders with even pressure. She felt her relaxing under her touch. She worked down her back rubbing each bump on her spinal cord. Her strong hands soon had Buffy almost in a trance. She started working on her upper arms. One hand on each arm she rubbed down them reaching to rub her hands so that she leaned onto Buffy. Who she swore was leaning back.
"Damn you're good," Buffy said quietly.
"Thanks," Faith answered hoarsely, then cleared her throat. "Tired?" Buffy nodded, and they lay back down. Faith continued to gently play her fingers over Buffy's back until reaching her hand around to Buffy's stomach. She didn't know what she was doing or if she should be doing it, but it felt too good to stop. She pressed her palm flat on Buffy's stomach and then pulled it back up to rest on her side, never breaking contact with Buffy's skin. She slowly trailed her fingers up Buffy's side, and back down. She ran her hand back down her stomach making sure to get her hand partly under Buffy's tank top. Her fingers traced circles around Buffy's belly button. Buffy moved readjusting so that Faith's hand was entirely under her shirt. Faith took this as an unbelievable right to continue. Her fingers kept playing up and down until they were just under her breast.
"Faith," Faith froze, she quickly withdrew her hand as Buffy turned to face her.
"Sorry," Faith mumbled. Buffy reached down and took Faith's hand placing it back on her waist.
"Don't be," Buffy leaned forward her lips gently brushing Faith's. "I want you to do it." Buffy smiled slightly in the darkness, leaning forward again, this time her kiss was much more firm. Faith was too stunned to react at first, then she felt Buffy's hand on her waist. Her body was jumpstarted back to life. She returned Buffy's kiss with equal force. She moved her tongue over Buffy's lips, which opened, inviting her in. Their tongues danced as their hands roamed. Faith moved up and she let her fingers tease around the bottom of Buffy's breast, slowly moving closer to her nipple, as she finally cupped her hand over her breast Buffy kissed her even harder pulling her closer. They went on for an hour or so more like this before their pace slowed and finally they fell asleep, Buffy wrapped in Faith's arms.
Faith woke first the next morning. She looked down at Buffy with more guilt than she had ever felt. The night before never should have happened. She had totally taken advantage of Buffy's unsteady state. She tried to extract herself from Buffy but was unsuccessful. Buffy woke and stretched sleepily.
"Hey honey," Buffy smiled leaning up to kiss Faith who pulled back. Buffy frowned. "Come on, my breath can't be that bad." Buffy tried to joke. Faith pulled her arms away from Buffy. "What?" Buffy asked worriedly.
"Sorry. It's just, last night was wrong," Faith said.
"Excuse me?" Buffy said.
"It shouldn't have happened Buffy, I took advantage."
"No you did not."
"Yes I did. It feels wrong to me Buffy, I think we should forget it. Maybe you should go." Faith said looking down.
"Forget it? Fine whatever." Buffy got out of the bed angrily. "I'll forget it, I'll leave." She pulled off the shorts, pulling back on her jeans. She grabbed her jacket. "I'll forget the best night of my life. I'll forget it. You just know this wasn't a mistake, and I won't regret it."
Buffy stormed out of the bedroom slamming the door shut behind her. Faith winced as she heard the front door receive the same treatment. She lay back on the bed, cover her eyes with her hands. God, she thought, what have I done? She was beginning to feel like she had managed to truly fuck up again. But Buffy would realize that it was for the best. She would realize that she didn't really want this with Faith. She slowly got out of bed, deciding a shower was in order. Faith drifted through her day. Channel surfing watching soap operas and court shows. She took a walk down to the docks ignoring the cat called and whistles from the greasy boatmen. She sat at the end of one of the docks watching the sun set thinking things over.
Buffy sat on the window sill in her room looking out into the dark sky. How had things gone so wrong so fast? Had Faith just not changed really? No Faith had honestly been upset. She had honestly felt bad about the night. Which was stupid because Buffy had more than wanted it to happen. Being with Faith the last two nights had been the first time she had felt happy and peaceful since they had brought her back. Things had felt right and good. How could Faith not see that? How did she think it was wrong?
She heard Dawn's door open accompanied by some sort of music. Dawn walked by her door on the way to the bathroom. Buffy listened absently to the music as she thought over the past nights. And suddenly the words of the song made it into her mind. As Dawn walked back past the door Buffy called to her.
"Dawn?"
"I know, I know turn the music down," Dawn answered rolling her eyes.
"No, turn it up."
"What? Ok." Dawn leaned against the doorframe. "What's up?"
"Nothing, who is this?" Buffy asked.
"Destinys Child, 'Emotions'."
"Oh, nice."
Dawn turned slowly from the door and walked back to her room, the music got louder.
-And who is the one your clinging to Instead of me tonight And where are you now Now that I need you Tears on my pillow Where ever you go Cry me a river That leads to your ocean-
Buffy sat listening to the music lost in her own thoughts looking out the window. As she thought of what she had had, and then quickly lost a single tear ran down her face.
"Hey girlfriend."
Buffy's head whipped around to see Faith leaning against the doorframe a small smile on her lips.
"Faith," Buffy jumped off the windowsill and ran to the door. She stopped in front of Faith, who put her arms around her waist. Buffy's arms worked their way around Faith's neck.
"You were right B, this is right."
"You sure?" Buffy asked.
"Yeah, but I'm not so sure about this music." Faith smiled down at Buffy. She leaned down toward her and was met by Buffy's lips halfway. She pulled Buffy tighter to her, and without breaking the kiss they both moved into Buffy's room, Faith kicking the door shut behind them.
-Goodnight, Goodnight-