Memories Consume
by Samantha
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters, lyrics are to the Linkin Park song
"Breaking the Habit".
Notes: Short late night quick fic, excuse any mistakes.
Feedback: U know it=)
::Memories consume Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again::
I can't sleep.
There has been more than one of her. No I don't mean literally, unless you count that Bot thing. Which, I never met, and think I would have been thoroughly creeped out by. I just mean I've fallen for girls like her before. Lots really.
Let's see, fifth grade was it? Maybe seventh (and yes I knew this then) there was Laura, blonde hair, clear blue eyes, perfect student, already dating the cutest boy in the class. I'd say she was the first; I remember watching her from the back of the class (that was where I sat) she would sit up front, next to him (was his name Jacob?) and raise her hand to answer every question. I sat in the back and could have answered none of the questions. But I could tell you what her favorite perfume was, what movie her and her boyfriend had seen the night before, and who her best friends were (none of them were me). That time I never talked to her, just watched.
Ninth grade was Krista, cheerleader, senior, goofy as hell. Shoulder length brown hair, and the biggest brown eyes you have ever seen. She had moved up from the Bronx, a few years back and her personality made her an instant queen of the school. Much to my surprise she took me under her wing just after winter break. We had a study hall together, and started talking. Turns out we had a lot of the same taste in music. Ok not really, she told me what she liked and I amazingly felt the same way. Haven't heard from her since her graduation.
Sophomore year brought Conner. She moved to the school a few weeks into term. Probably was there a month before I met her, I wasn't really going to school that much by that time. I snatched her up right away. I was bolder by that time, already having been with more guys and girls that most girls ever will be with. She was tiny, only a freshman, couldn't have weighed more than a hundred pounds soaking wet. Light brown hair that fell half way down her back, amazingly insecure for her beauty. (Ok that sounded way tacky) She was the only good part of that last year in Boston. Her family was loaded, and more than a few nights I ended up on her doorstep, it was wicked cold outside, and mom (Ha ha, yeah you could call her that) had a nasty habit of dead bolting me out when she had company.
I was usually already looped out on some drug or another by the time I got to her house, but she never seemed to mind. Usually would pull out a bottle of something expensive her parents were keeping for a special occasion (they were never there). More than once we ended up in bed together, passed out on her queen size princess bed. One night we were both feeling more than a little goofy, I had taken E before I even got there, and together we had killed off the better half of a bottle of some Russian vodka her parents had. Anyway, we were lying there in bed, all the lights already off, only the streetlights to illuminate each other. I used her chap stick, she asked for it. I told her no. She had to kiss me to get any.
Giggling she gave me a loud smacking kiss on the lips, then rubbed hers together, both of us laughing still. She complained of not having enough. So we tried again. This went on for a while, the laughter slowly fading, the kisses getting longer, her moving, laughing, at one time to pin me down by laying on top of me. I was rubbing her arms, my hands sliding up and down her sides; our legs moving apart, thighs pressed now into each other's centers. Now my hands would graze the side of her breasts. Her breathing was low and slightly ragged, she was slowly grinding on my thigh, at first hardly noticeably, then as the pressure built inside her, any pretense was cast aside. Suddenly she was full out kissing me, our tongues dueling. She sat up, I went with her, roughly pulling off her shirt, sucking on her now exposed nipples, my shirt was off in seconds, and soon both of us were naked. The sex was fast, it was almost feverish.
That was the last time I saw her. She never spoke to me again, and wouldn't return my calls.
::I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So I'm breaking the habit Tonight::
And then now there was Buffy. After all we went through and she still was in control of me. I would never be able to tell her that. Couldn't admit it to anyone. Tried to escape it with the mayor. Didn't work. Even now, all the danger is passed, she doesn't need me around, we're in LA, crashing at Angel's for a while. She's asleep, we're sharing a bed, I therefore can't sleep. So I'm sitting here on the windowsill, smoking a cigarette, wearing boy panties, and a tank top. She's in similar outfit. It's part of the reason I can't sleep. By now she has over taken the bed, on her side, her head is on my pillow, the white quilt covers her waist, but one tan leg is pulled up over it. Her hair is falling over her face, which would drive her crazy if she was awake, but asleep she doesn't even notice.
I love her. I loved them all. They didn't love me. She didn't love me. We fought, worse than I have ever fought with anyone. I loved her and hated her for not loving me. She was everything I wanted, and held it all away from me. There were secrets and lies, fighting, and more tears than I can remember. She broke me; no one else had ever driven me like her. Everyone else, either just left, or I left them. She was there, when I went to the mayor she followed, tried to get me back. When I tried to get help on my own from Angel, she was pissed (which given the circumstances, I understand). All through this she seemed to jump from beefcake to beefcake. Don't get me wrong I am I like dead boy as much as anyone else, more than a lot of the scoobies. But he is so broody.
I went to help her save the world. Figured everyone else had done it at least a couple times. As the other slayer it was only my duty to be there for once. I planned to do my thing and get out quick. Not get caught up in her. Not again. We came back to LA together; I was going to spend one night. Then I was going to leave. Last night she asked me to stay one more night. Tonight she told me she loved me.
That's why I can't sleep.
::I try to catch my breath again I hurt much more Than anytime before I had no options left again I'll paint it on the walls 'Cause I'm the one at fault I'll never fight again And this is how it ends::