So Much to Say
by Samantha
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Joss owns them. Shania Twian owns the song.
Notes: This is for Chackram, although I did it oppisite from how he wanted it. If you can't tell, and I did do it sorta without specifying. This is all from Buffy's point of view. Hope ya'll like it.
Feedback: Love it.
We did it. Saved the world..again..never really loses its punch though does it? "We saved the world" that's just one of those sayings that is always going to hold up.
People died. More than I was really ready for, I knew they were going to, but still, I don't think I was ready. Mostly the potentials, Anya too, and Andrew. Jesus I even miss his whining. That's how I know I'm still human, still alive.
I know because of the pain.
I swear that's the only thing that's ever really let me know I was there, alive, for real, a part of this world. You thought I had it all figured out. God could you not have been more wrong. I never figured any of it out. I didn't know the rules.
I knew how to pretend, I got so good at pretending that I stopped realizing when I was pretending.
I pretended up until the end that I didn't love you. You were always the one I could put my walls up too. And those walls went up so fast when you were around, one look and I was at the defensive. I was a fucking asshole.
Yeah you heard me correct, I was an asshole. Bet you never thought you'd hear that. Hear me admit to anything less than perfection. Look at that, for the first time the world almost ending actually taught me something.
No, that's not true. Losing you taught me something.
I know you hid stuff, I know you were scared. But more of the time you were so honest. That's what scared me. You were real, you were alive. The fucking, the eating, all of it. It was real. It was you being in touch with life. Realizing that it was short, and really living it every second.
You scared the shit out of me. I was not ready to live like that. I was so worried about preserving my life that I forgot to live it. I see how stupid that is now. You know when I felt most alive? With you. And I never let you know. You were the only person to make me feel human. And I never told you.
So you fought. Better than me I think. And then in a flash it was all done. We won, but you weren't there to celebrate with me. I didn't realize until that moment, when I looked around for you, for your cocky smile, telling me everything was going to be alright. And it wasn't there.
You were buried already. I had to dig you out. Everyone said to leave you there with the others. I couldn't. I carried you out, you deserved a real place to rest.
Now we're here, alone together for the last time. No one else knows where I am burying you. I think that's how you would want it. After all this is our place. The place we relaxed after slaying for the short time I let you in.
You can see all of Sunnydale from here. Do you remember that? Almost looks like a real city from here. I swear to god this is the biggest tree in the forest. We used to lean against it, talk till dawn. Those were the best nights of my life, and I never realized that till now.
But you did didn't you? Looking back I can kinda tell. I can see all the little hints now, all the not so little ones too.
Most of all I knew it when I brought you here to bury you.
Just as I started the hole, with the moon full I could see something etched in the tree. "Faith loves B". You knew those were our nights.
I never got to tell you so much. So I wrote you a letter. It's stupid, I know. But I want you to have it, I want you to know that it's all true. I'll remember you forever, and if I ever have a chance like you again, I won't ignore it.
I'll bury the letter with you, I let it flutter to land on top of you. And still holding back tears, it's the only way I can do this, I start to fill in the hole. Your grave.
::I'm sorry for everything I've said And for anything I forgot to say too When things get so complicated I stumble, at best, muddle through I wish that our lives could be simple I don't want the world, only you I wish I could tell you this face to face But there's never the time, never the place So this letter will have to do I love you::