Bad Case Of Broken Heart
by Sarah Meyers
Rating: R

Disclaimer: I live in my head, and in my head they are mine. But in reality they belong to Joss.
Author's Notes: This starts off nice, but there's no happy ending. Don't read it if you don't like the angsty stuff. One day I'll get out of my dark mood, I swear. The title is the name of a song by The Ataris, and also the lyrics are from a song by The Ataris called 'Song For A Mix Tape'.
Dedication: You know who you are, and you know what this all means to me. Thanks for being my support, because despite everything I couldn't do it without you. I love you.

I wrap my arms around B's waist as I feel her knee's buckling and push my tongue farther into her mouth reveling in the way it feels to have her warm tongue dancing with my own. "I can't stand," she barely manages to whisper out as she breaks our intense kiss for a second before crushing her mouth back to mine.

I hold the kiss for what seems like eons before pulling my mouth away from hers reluctantly to give her some sort of reply. "It's okay B, I've got you. I'm here. I'm yours B," I say back, my voice deep and full of my passion for her. I can feel her lips pressing against my neck, her tongue sneaking out to flick over my pulse point and at this point I'm starting to wonder whether or not I'll be able to keep supporting her when my own knees are about to give out on me. "B... Bed," I grunt out as I slide my hand under her shirt and hear her moan softly.

As we're moving to the bed, or more like falling onto it, the fact that she has a boyfriend briefly flashes through my head. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but what should I care? I'm not the one with a boyfriend. I'm in love with her, and I can't help that. Yeah, that's what justifies all of this. I love her, nothing else is needed. I climb on top of her on the bed and lay half of my body down on hers and press my lips to her neck, giving her the same sweet treatment she just granted to me and suddenly I hear her saying something. I strain to focus on the words; I'm too lost in the haze of passion to be able to focus. But then I hear her saying the words I thought for sure that this time she'd just forget. I suppose that was just wishful thinking.

"Faith, stop. I can't. I want to but I can't. We can't," she pants out, her breath ragged.

I fly off of her and sit on the corner of the bed, my eyes finding a nice stain on the carpet to stare at as I nod. "I know. I understand." Okay, that came out a little colder than intended, but what does she expect? One second I'm waiting to die of heat stroke and then the next she's saying the words that can freeze my heart in an instant.

"I should get some sleep," she tells me, and I can hear the guilt just pouring from her voice. I let out a quiet sigh feeling bad myself. I can't be mad at her, the thought that I should stop did pop into my head for all of two seconds. But I justified my actions. I guess it's not that simple for her though. She's the one in love with him and fucking me. I wonder if that's all it is to her, just another fuck. A good lay. And I thought that I was the get some get gone girl.

I nod once more and grab my jacket and go to climb out her window so her mom won't know that I was over so late. I can feel her hand on my shoulder stopping me and I feel like I'm burned by the contact and this time the heat I'm feeling isn't the good kind. "You know I love you right?" she asks me with a hint of desperation in her tone.

My minds racing and I do everything to get it to just quiet down long enough for me to get the fuck out of here. I almost want to tell her no, that I don't know. Tell her that if she loved me she'd stop being such a fucking coward and be with me, and only me. I also know that I could use this to my advantage. If I said no I could guilt her into finishing what we started. It's all a fucking mind game. That's all love is, and you just gotta know how to play it. "Baby please," this time she right out begs after hearing no answer from me.

I screw my eyes shut and try to form the words that I know she needs to hear even though right now they're impossible to speak. Just a few simple words, that's all it takes. "I know B," I reply flatly, and I know it hurts her that my voice is empty and hollow. Maybe now she'll know how I feel inside when playing this game with her.

I leave before she has a chance to say anymore. If I don't I know I'll never leave, and I am trying in some fucked up way to be strong for her. I end up running back to the hotel, needing to expend some of my pent up energy that my night with B caused and when I get back into my room I'm crying so hard that the sudden break in my pace causes me to collapse onto the floor.

There's a chair around here somewhere, but I don't bother to get off of the floor and just rest my back against the wall to offer me support. And at least the floor has carpet. Drawing my knees up to my chest I try to swallow all the sobs that are pouring out of my mouth, putting a strain on my voice. I beat my head against my knees so I can get my thoughts to slow down long enough for me to put them together. I gotta be strong here. Strong for B.

Then all the sudden the scariest thought in the world hits me and I can hardly breathe. All this time I thought I was finally doing something right, but in the end I'm still the one fucking up. Not B, not dead boy. No one but me. I mean, if I really were in love with her wouldn't that mean that I'd love her enough to let her go? That I'd stop needing her, depending on her, and give her the space she needs to get over me as well so she can stop feeling guilty. After all what can I do other than ruin her relationship with Angel? I get her to leave him for me somehow and then what? Then I realize I can't handle being in a real relationship, or worse, I fuck it all up. There's no way I'm capable of doing anything but hurting her.

All this time that's all I'm doing. Shit... I feel dizzy. Too many thoughts. I'm not used to this at all.

Just take deep breaths. Yeah, aren't those supposed to clear you head or some shit? Maybe I should learn how to do that meditation thing. I could go out for a slay but that would just make me more horny and that's the last thing I need now. I gotta figure out what to do here. It's all a mind game, just gotta remember that and I'll be able to figure it out. After all, I'm good at playing with people's minds. Of course I'm not used to the tables being turned, and now it's not only my mind that's being fucked with but my heart as well.

I just gotta stop loving her, simple as that. Simple, yeah right. Okay, so that is out of the question because she's the only one I'll be able to love. That much is simple. But what the fuck am I supposed to do here? Think Faith dammit! I know I've got half a brain in that head of mine somewhere.

I close my eyes in an attempt to gather my thoughts and immediately I see B, sprawled out on her bed, sweating, moaning my name as I slide my fingers into her, making love to her before things got so complicated. I let myself smile at the memory for a split second before the realization that I'll never be able to touch her so intimately again sets in and a fresh set of tears starts falling but still I make no attempt to pull myself out of the memory. It's one of the few things of her that is mine and mine alone.

I can feel her all around me as I remember taking her over the edge, her cries of pleasure and the tears that fall from my eyes every time I know that I did something that made B feel so good. That I did something right. Shutting my eyes tighter I can feel B's hands pulling my body back up onto hers as she cups my face and gives me the sweetest of kisses and wipes away my tears. "I love you Faith. I love you so much," she whispers breathlessly as she comes down from the high that I just gave her and more tears fall from my eyes.

I open my eyes and laugh in spite of everything that I'm feeling. Back then I used to cry because I never knew I could be so happy or feel so complete. Yet now I cry because I never knew I could feel like such shit and so empty inside. It's a total one eighty and it sucks.

So clearly memories aren't getting me anywhere but down now and I need to figure out what to do about all of this. I need to find a way to stop hurting B, despite what it costs me. See, isn't that love? I'll just start with the simple stuff like our friendship. No matter what, I won't ever leave that behind. I promised her as much, just as she has promised that to me. Of course, she's also broken a lot of promises that she made to me, but I can be a forgiving person. The fact that I still love her and trust her after all of this is proof enough of my love.

But what do I do with all that love now? I can't be with her anymore because it makes her feel guilty, but how can I not be with her when I know that in her heart, and in her mind she wants the exact same thing I do? There's too many contradictions here. If love is just a game then I want out even though I know I can't stop loving her. Argh! See, another fucking contradiction. I want it to stop but then again I don't. How the fuck can I get anywhere when I can't even stop contradicting myself?

I pull myself out of my thoughts long enough to get onto my bed. It looks like I'm in for a long night of thinking so I might as well at least get comfortable or something. Life was so much simpler before I had to go and fall in love. I swear if love were something tangible that I could get my hands on I would kill it right now for everything that it's doing to me. Because it won't let me slip back into my way of living that was so goddamn easy. It won't let me put my protective walls back up and it's turning me into Marsha fucking Brady.

If I could just get around the promises I made to her I'd be okay. Then it would all be so simple. But no, I had to go and promise my honesty to her. How the fuck is this going to stop if I have to be honest with her? Because honestly I want to spend every second of my existence making love to her, and if I tell her that it's not going to get us anywhere but back to where we were earlier tonight. It's a fucking cycle and I'm helpless to break it because I'm bound by love and my promises of devotion, honesty, and trust to her.

What makes it even worse is knowing that she's just as lost as I am. It sucks to know that no matter how much I think, how much we try, there is absolutely not one single thing we can do about this. There is no blame to be placed for any of this, we fell in love and she happened to be with someone else. Sure it was fine for a while, but then reality reared its ugly head and kicked me right in the ass. She's not mine, she's too much of a coward to be mine, but I know it's more than that and that's why I can't hold any of this against her. She has every right to not be with me. And I'd be a hypocrite for calling her a coward without calling myself one too. Because despite how much it kills me that I can't have her, if I ever had the chance I'd probably run away from it kicking and screaming like my head were on fire. Because I'm too much of a coward to believe in myself enough to let myself have her.

The way I see it, there's only one way out of this. But like everything else the promises that I made to B cheated me out of it. I promised her that I'd never kill myself. I guess she knows me too well, because I'd be more than happy to do that right now. To make it all just end. She said that people who kill themselves go to hell. Doesn't she know that I'm already in hell? She is my own personal hell, and it looks like I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life there, because I'm not strong enough to escape it. I have no desire to.

Before my thoughts can get too dark I turn my stereo on and listen to the song playing to get my mind off of things, even if only for a second. "These are the songs that make me smile and cry myself to sleep at night when I'm lying without you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. Hey silly girl, I'm begging you," I sing along with the song until even that becomes too hard as tears flood my eyes. Curling up into a fetal position on my bed I close my eyes and let the memories of happier times with B take over my mind, hearing "I love you Faith," softly echoing in my head.

"I love you too B," I choke out to the empty room as sleep takes over, giving me the false promise of a better tomorrow.

The End