Everything for You
by Shalane
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Only thing I own is the plot here. Characters, everything else to Fox
and Joss.
Spoilers: Set in between seasons 5 and 6, but only talks about events in third
season, namely, 'Bad Girls', 'Consequences', 'Grad day pt 1', etc.
Note: Song is called "Number One Crush" and it's by Garbage. I know it's probably
already been done since it fits so perfect, but hey.
Dedication: To the beautiful person who is still my world, and always will be.
Thank you for everything. I love you.
Life sucked. Me, a girl who recognized no one higher than myself, and was bound by no laws except the ones I chose, was stuck in prison. I don't doubt I deserved to be here, but still, life sucks. No pun intended. The weight training room was my favorite place to be. I'd show off, keep myself in shape, let out a bit of steam, the usual. The training room was where I was when the song came on.
"I would die for you..."
That voice! I've heard this song before. It was on the radio in the police car that night....
"I would die for you, I've been dying just to feel you by my side, to know that you're mine"
Ain't that the fucking truth? I've wanted you, Buffy, so long I don't remember when I didn't have this ache thinking about you. You've never been at my side. It's always been me at yours, but I guess that's as close as I'll ever be. Except for that time--no, I'll think about that later.
"I will cry for you, I will cry for you, I will wash away your pain with all my tears, and drown your fear"
Right, so there's one part that doesn't fit. Because me? I don't cry. Gave that up a long time ago. Crying makes you weak. Crying makes you vulnerable. And vulnerable gets you dead. So fuck that.
"I would kill for you, feel pain for you"
Ha, I fucking did kill for you. I felt pain you can't imagine. Sure, I'm here, but you're dead. I collapsed, you know, when it happened. It hurt even more than you sticking that knife into my gut. I felt ripped apart and shattered for days. I didn't need Angel to tell me. You and I, we were that connected, whether you admit it or not. And I did kill for you, no matter what you say. You rejected me that night, when I--when we--killed the deputy mayor. Why do you think I went to the mayor? All you had to do was tell me we'd get through it together, or talk to me or fucking something. Yeah, you tried, but too damn late. I killed for you.
"I will sell my soul for something pure and true, someone like you"
Guess who the pure one could be? Hmmmm, tough. I may not have sold my soul literally, but I came damn close. All for you.
"See your face every place that I walk in, hear your voice every time that I'm talking"
There was a new inmate the other day. In the crowded cafeteria, I caught a glimpse of her. My heart stopped, I thought you were back. She turned around and my "world" came back; you were dead and I could never get the chance I put myself in prison for.
"You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored"
You tried to ignore me, you did. You moved me to the back of your importance line. Hell, I was even after Xander. I guess trying to act cool about the deputy mayor's death was partly to show you I didn't need you, and that you couldn't ignore me, because--hey! I'm a problem you need to take care of. Who the fuck knows why I did half the shit I did. I don't.
"I will burn for you, feel pain for you, I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart"
God, this song is perfect. Although the knife part is ironic since wait, you did that to me already. And believe me, my heart bled more than my kidney ever did. I felt it when you kissed me at the hospital. Yeah, I know, a coma and all, it's impossible, but I did.
"I will lie for you, beg and steal for you, I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me"
That was the one point you never got, B. Not really. You were almost there, that time at the Bronze. You and I owned that fucking place. Everyone wanted us; but you didn't notice. It was completely about me and you, until fucking Soul Boy showed up. But you came back to me. We had some fun, got caught. In the police car, before we busted free, we heard this song. Could have been my overactive imagination, but I swear you winked at me during some part. I wish I could remember which one, but I was too dazed to notice. I thought then it was time; I would tell you I want you, and you would say it back. Love could come later. Then the deputy mayor accident happened, and you shut me out again, and denied who you really are. But let me tell you, twinkie, I am you.
"Violate all the love that I'm missing, throw away all the pain that I'm living, you will believe in me, and I will never be ignored"
Everything could be fixed if you hadn't died. If I had been there to protect you. If you were still here, I could maybe make things right. Probably not, but there's the hope and chance to live for. I wish you would come back to me. I'd try to fix things. Everything I did, I did out of fear. But I'm not afraid anymore.
"I would die for you, I would kill for you I will steal for you, I'd do time for you I will wait for you, I'd make room for you I'd sink ships for you, to be close to you to be a part of you, 'cause I believe in you I believe in you I would die for you"
Everything for you.