The Rose and the Thorn
by Shalane
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Joss and all his people own it all...as we all
know and lament....
Spoilers: End of the series, but doesn't really give anything away.
Feedback: Yes please! Loved it or hated it, let me know.
Everyone who knows Buffy Summers is half in love with her. OK, some of them love her in that way where they would love to tear off her face and wear it as their own, but in their own way, they love her too.
It's such an obvious thing. I mean, why else would not one but three soulless creatures love her, as well as all her friends and family. Her friends loved her so much, they wouldn't let her go. And we all knew Angelus was still in love with Buffy, as was Spike even pre-soul and even the legendary Count Dracula.
It's what separates her from me. On paper, we're pretty much the same. Both chosen to a sacred birthright, yada, yada. Yet she is someone, she's Buffy, while I'm...not. I'm Faith. It'll all make sense later.
The reason everyone loves her is impossible to pin down to one thing. I guess you could say it's all those cheesy things you read about, like the way her hair shines, how she bosses everyone around, the way her eyes light up after the kill, the way she's so self-centered, but in a way you never could hate her for. She takes for granted those that love her. I guess she's been surrounded by it all her life so she never knew a life without love. It's all I ever wanted, and all she's ever had. I could be bitter about it, but I'm not anymore. I'm past that now.
Don't get me wrong, I love her too. But during this stint in prison I have had plenty of opportunities to wonder why I'm not Buffy Summers. What makes her so universally loved? I think I've finally figured it out. I was thinking of a conversation we had together during patrol one night before...you know. We were walking along in that comfortable silence of friends when she said
"Faith?"
"Yeah?"
"Why can't I quit slaying? Go somewhere else and just...escape."
"You know as well as I do, B."
"Yeah, I guess so. I wish I could, I don't know...appreciate things."
I don't think she ever really knew what she had. It took me a long time to make peace with the fact I was never going to be Buffy. Even when I was in her body, and felt and heard all the love radiating towards me, it just made me more jealous. That's why I tried to hurt her, because if I could be the one person who didn't love her, I could stand out. I guess I did, but not in the way I always wanted. Anyway, bet you didn't know that when I got to Boston with her body, I was going to kill my-. Ourself. Then she'd never get her body back, never feel the unconditional love again, and she would feel the lack of warmth that my life was. And if it meant I'd die too, it'd be a small price to pay to have her understand me, finally.
Eventually I gave in and accepted I was just like all the others. I love her so much, it hurts. But I know telling her wouldn't do a damn bit of good, because really, would she care? Or would it be another notch on her bedpost of people who love her?
I've finally learned that the only way I can differentiate myself from her other admirers is to not show my love. I know I'm past trying to hate her. I never could. So when I get out of this place, I'm going to stand out for her in the only way she recognizes: I'm going to act like I don't love her. I'll be nice, polite and helpful if I ever get the chance to help the Scooby gang again, but nothing more. I know it'll kill me inside to pretend every day, to be close to her, but it'll be worth it. Perhaps she'll notice, and maybe I can be the one person who she has to want love from. With any luck, I'll have a shot to bask in the glory of the goddess everyone loves, and be whole.
Everyone but Faith knows how much I love her. It's obvious, really. Did I give Riley a second chance? Did I ever really give Angel one? No. Only for Faith did I care enough to give a second chance to. And why did I? Because I love her. She's the only one who has the uncanny ability to get under my skin and make my knees weak. I know, the irony. Riley would have killed for my love, and Faith would laugh in my face if I told her. I've never understood how she could have survived without love, but she's made it abundantly clear she doesn't want or need it from me.
Well, that was until I walked in her shoes. Or ran to Giles in them, anyway. I felt so alone, scared, insecure and above all, I had this overwhelming desire to be loved. Since then I've had time to reanalyze everything she's ever said, done or wanted to do. With hindsight, it's all a ruse. Faith is a tough girl, no doubt, but she has a softness I'd never seen before. I'm sure she'd hate that her plot to ruin me led to my understanding of her. It was an awakening to be in her body, in more ways than one. I've loved her since then, despite my nagging fears of what she would say. Despite what I've just said about her facade, I also know she'll never let me in. She thinks I don't understand. Even if she knew I did, she's always been so aggressive and verbal about her love-hate relationship with men. All our innuendo probably meant nothing to her, and I'm merely overanalyzing. I have no reason to think she'll ever swing that way, let alone love me back. I tested out the waters once, and received a noncommittal answer in typical Faith fashion. We were walking home after patrol, and the air was loaded with tension. I had to say something, so I did.
"Faith?"
"Yeah?"
"Why can't I quit slaying? Go somewhere else and just...escape?"
"You know as well as I do, B."
"Yeah, I guess so. I wish I could, I don't know...appreciate things."
I don't think she got I wanted to escape with her. I guess I didn't really know yet either. It came out in my inability to express myself, so I gave up and lamely ended with something vague. I know now I would drop everything and run away with her if I had the chance. I'd leave behind everyone I care about, for her. Because she's Faith. It's hard to say what makes her so...Faithy.
She's everything I'm not. She's confident, strong and fearless with sweet bits of tenderness underneath that make it easy for me to love her. She's uninhibited and free. I tried to be like her once. Didn't work out. Everyone expects me to be the way I am, so me as Faith didn't fly well. I've accepted I can't be her. Every once in a while the despair I felt when I was in her body comes back to haunt me, and I want to cry for her. I wish she'd let me love her. But I think she'd see that as a weakness. She's always thought I was competing against her, challenging her. Which brings me back to why she'd laugh if I ever confessed my love. I know she doesn't hate me, I don't think she ever really did, but I don't understand why she tried to hurt me. Maybe for revenge on what I did to her. I never wanted it to be that way, but what's done is done. That's besides the point. I have learned that the only way she'll allow me to be around her is by pretending I don't love her to the point of tears. I can't bear to go see her in prison, caged and knowing I put her there, in a way. I didn't understand her then. I do now. If she ever gets out, and if our paths ever cross again--God, I hope they do--I'll be polite and forgiving, but nothing more.
Showing her the depths of my feelings would only scare her. It'll probably hurt me inside to conceal my love, but hey, I've got plenty of hurt, a little more won't kill me. The gang all think I'm emotionally frozen, but really, I'm just waiting for my princess to wake up and come for me. If the day comes, and I'm able to hide my feelings, maybe she'll stick around, and I'll be close to the one I love, my other half, and be whole.