Springer, Sunnydale Style
by Shamrock
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The BtVS and Angel folks belong to Joss and co. The Jerry
Springer show is an entity unto itself. I've only borrowed the
characters and as soon as the security guard's back is turned, I'll
put them back.
Spoilers: Don't be surprised. In a forum like this the most
interesting stories can come out. Up to and including S4 of BtVS and
S1 of Angel.
Author's Notes: Just... don't ask. It was written solely to relieve my
frustration at Insurgency, hence the silliness. Set in and around the
end of S4, all you really need to know is Riley's still around and
Spike is chipped. I really just figured I'd better post a fic before
ye all forget who I am.
Thanks: To Colin for 18 years of madness, all of it good. To Gareth
for kicking my ass over Insurgency and being more than helpful. To
Brit for making it all worthwhile.
Feedback: Praise is good, flames give me a laugh, either way I'm
happy.
[Springer theme tune.]
Audience: "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
Jerry: "Thank you, thank you. Now with us we have Buffy and Riley, all the way from Sunnydale. Hi, welcome to the show."
Buffy & Riley: "Hey Jerry, thanks."
Jerry: "Riley, you've brought Buffy here today because there's something you want to ask her."
Riley: "Yeah, I have."
Jerry: "Okay, so go ahead."
Riley: "Okay. Buffy... we've been together a while now, and you know I love you. You're the most important thing in the world to me."
Audience: "Awww."
Riley: "And because I'm such a damn nice guy and so dependable and reliable an so on, I was thinking... would you marry me?"
Buffy: "What?"
Riley: "Will you be my wife?"
Buffy: "No!"
Riley: "What?"
Buffy: "Hell no."
Audience: "Ooooh!"
Riley: "But I'm... I'm so *nice*"
Jerry: "Well actually, Riley, Buffy has something to tell you too. Go ahead Buffy."
Buffy: "Well, Riley... I'm seeing someone else."
Audience: "OOOOH!"
Riley: "My God. Who?"
Buffy: "Faith."
Riley: "Faith? You've been sleping with Psycho Slayer?!"
Buffy: "I'm gonna let that slide on account of the fact that you're a moron."
Jerry: "Well, let's bring out Faith."
[Faith walks out to mixed booing and cheering from the audience. Buffy and Faith kiss. And kiss... and kiss.]
Jerry: Ahem.
[They break apart.]
Riley: "I don't *bleep* believe it. You cheated on me with this slut?"
Buffy: "Don't you *bleep* talk about her like that."
Faith: "Don't know what you're getting so stressed over, Beefstick. You slept with me."
Audience: "Oooooh!"
Riley: "But I thought you were Buffy."
Jerry: (undertone) "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one."
Riley: "No really, she stole Buffy's body and slept with me."
Audience: "OOOOOH!"
Faith: "You weren't *bleep* complaining at the time."
Jerry: "Okay, well we have another guest to bring out. He's (to Buffy) your ex-boyfriend and (to Faith) your friend. (To Riley) *pauses* He doesn't like you. Here's Angel."
[Angel walks out. Audience cheers.]
Jerry: "Angel, you used to go out with Buffy. What happened?"
Angel: "Well, after we slept together, I lost my soul and she sent me to hell - things just weren't the same."
Jerry: "It's so sad when relationships end like that."
Angel: "Well, fact is, Riley doesn't deserve her."
Riley: "*bleep* you, you don't even *bleep* know me!"
Angel: "Well you *bleep* couldn't *bleep**bleep**bleep* cocktail stick *bleep**bleep**bleep* quadraplegic moose *bleep* with a *bleep**bleep* deckchair!"
Jerry: "Good point."
Riley: [stands up] "Think you can take me, Deadboy?"
Angel: [stands too] "I don't doubt it, Farmboy."
Riley: "Them's fighting words."
Angel: "Bring it on."
[Riley charges Angel but Faith intercepts and grabs him, holding him while Angel pounds his face.]
Audience: "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
[Buffy makes a half-hearted attempt to separate them while the Springer Security team move in. Steve eventually manages to pull Angel off. Everyone sits back down, Angel and Faith looking none the worse for wear, Riley looking like he's gone ten rounds with a pissed-off grizzly she-bear on speed who was protecting her cubs at 'that time of month'.]
Jerry: "Okay, Buffy, Riley - you two talk. What do you want to say to each other?"
Riley: "Why Buffy? Why do this?"
Buffy: "Well we were never really that good together in the first place. Our relationship didn't start honestly, y'know?"
Jerry: "How so?"
Buffy: "Well he never told me he was part of a covert military demon-hunting organisation."
Audience: "Oooh."
Riley: "Well she never told me she was the Slayer."
Audience: "Oo- huh?" [confused looks all round]
Buffy: [rolls her eyes] (undertone) "God, I am so underappreciated in this job."
Riley: "So how long has this been going on?"
Buffy: "On and off since she first came to Sunnydale. We were-"
Angel: "Wait a minute? You were with her when *we* were together?"
Buffy: "Uh..." *looks at Faith guiltily* "Well, about that..."
Faith: "Well it's not like she was getting any off you."
Angel: "You *bleep*"
Faith: "*bleep* you, Deadboy."
[They fight and, being a Slayer and a vampire of preternatural strength, take out half the Springer set in the process. Steve and the rest of the security team look uncertainly at the two of them before slowly backing away and running from the building.]
Riley: "How could you be with either of these *bleep*s?"
[Angel and Faith pause, look at Riley, then quit pounding on each other and turn on him.]
Riley: *gulp*
Buffy: "Enough. Just sit down, both of you."
Angel: "Sorry, Buffy."
Faith: "Yeah. Sorry, B."
Jerry: [from the back of the audience where he's run for cover] "Yes, quite. Well, we have a few more guests to bring out now. They are... Giles, Xander, Willow, Anya, Tara, Oz, Veruca, Cordelia, Doyle, Jenny, Wesley, Parker, Scott and Kate."
Riley: "What have they got to do with anything? Why are they here?" *he pauses* "And aren't some of them dead?"
Jerry: "They're just here, okay?"
Riley: "But they-"
Jerry: "It's my fic... erm, *show*. Deal with it."
[The rest of the gang come on stage to cheers from a very apprehensive audience who have just seen half the studio destroyed.]
Jerry: "Hi all."
Everyone: "Hi Jerry."
Jerry: "Now, let me see if I can get this straight. Xander, you had a crush on Buffy when she first came to Sunnydale but she was involved with Angel, who turned out to be a vampire, and you started going out with Cordelia until you realised that you and Willow had feelings for each other and started to have an affair despite the fact that she was with Oz at the time although he, being a werewolf, then became attracted to another female werewolf, Veruca, who he ended up killing and then left Sunnydale which left Willow free to pursue a relationship with Tara and Xander free to take up with the ex-vengeance demon Anya..."
[Jerry takes a deep breath and continues...]
Jerry: "Meanwhile Buffy had sent Angel to hell after he became evil and killed Jenny Calendar, Giles' lover who was also a gypsy sent to observe Angel, and she was toying with Scott though that never really went anywhere because Angel then came back, but left to go to LA where he ran into Cordelia again and also Doyle who had a huge crush on Cordelia but was also half demon and never realy got around to telling her and anyway they were busy worrying about Angel who had run into Kate and they were both putting a lot of effort into *not* having a relationship and of course Doyle died just before Wesley showed up as a 'rogue demon hunter' who, despite having some chemistry with Cordelia back in Sunnydale hasn't seemed at all interested in LA whereas Angel had never gotten over Buffy who, after a brief one night stand with Parker ended up with Riley although it now seems she's also been seeing Faith..."
[Jerry is by now leaning on a chair for support and panting for breath.]
Jerry: "That about right?"
[Everyone nods.]
All: "Yeah, that sounds about right, yeah."
[Jerry looks at all the assembled guests then shakes his head and throws his cards over his shoulder.]
Jerry: "You know what? I've been doing this show for years now, I've seen transexual nazi wifebeaters brawl with trailer-trash celibate prostitutes, but you are the most *bleep*ed up bunch of *bleep*s I've ever seen!
[Everyone stands.]
Buffy: "Oh really?"
Jerry: *gulp*
[Everyone on stage begins to approach while Jerry backs away.]
Jerry: "And my Final Thought - run!!!"
[The remaining audience members flee for their lives but Jerry turns around to come face to face with a bleach-blonde vampire.]
Spike: "Not once! You don't mention me in the bloody fic-"
Buffy: "Ahem."
Spike: "Sorry - *show* - once!"
[Spike grabs vamps out and grabs Jerry, sinking his fangs into the man's neck, in blatant disregard of the fact that he's chipped. Jerry slumps to the floor.]
Spike: "Bloody poof. Never liked your show anyway."
Riley: "It was better than *some* I could mention, like certain spin-offs for example."
Angel: "Just what might you be insinuating by that?"
Faith: "Quick show of hands - anybody gonna miss Beefstick if he's gone?"
[All hands remain down.]
Riley: *gulp*
[Fade out as the large group of people on stage begin to close in around the soon to be no longer Corn-Fed Iowa Boy.]