Control
by Slayer125
Rating: NC-17

Dedication: To Tracy for choosing me, and to Denise for being an excellent Beta and friend. Liz sorry I haven't written lately but you rock and you know it.
Feedback: Please.

Control, it is all about control I say to myself stepping out of the shadows. I'm tired of trying to fight what I feel, who I am. She needs to understand me if there is a chance in hell of her loving me. I raise my hand to knock on the door but I pause just inches from contact. I can't do this; I lower my hand only to have her open the door.

"I sensed you were near." Buffy says as she takes my hand in hers. God she feels so good that I just want to take her lips in mine and hold her the rest of my life. I'm really not the want, take, have girl everyone thinks I am. I watched Buffy from afar for the longest time and it was actually her who made the first move. I am so glad she did otherwise I would still be in the shadows and not feeling her warmth envelop my body as she hugs me.

I run my hand through her hair and it falls through my fingers like a smooth silk. Buffy's eyes are glittering in the lights and it captivates me. They always remind me of looking into an ocean because they are so captivating and changing constantly.

"Are you ok baby?" I hear that voice reminding me of everything that means something to me. I wonder if she realizes that I know all of her bad habits, good habits as well. She is cute when she concentrates because she sticks her tongue out and captures it between her teeth. When she eats she uses at least three napkins because she simply can't stand having her hands dirty. That one is kinda funny considering how much demon gunk has been on those beautiful, tender hands. Also, when she sleeps she keeps her hands wrapped up around her chest and snores the cutest little snore. She is the only one I know who can keep me up all night and not irritate the hell out of me doing so.

"Yeah, I'm fine B just something's going on that I have to deal with." I groan as she straddles my waist and wraps those muscular calves around my back. She starts to nibble at my earlobe and I can feel her breath in my ear, which arouses the hell out of me.

"I can help you deal baby." She says as her hand moves down my stomach. I can feel her nails leaving a trail down below my belly button and I definitely have that low down tingle. I tilt my neck trying to ease the tension I feel building.

"Is it possible to love someone too much B?" I ask and she stops nibbling on my earlobe. Buffy leans back and looks into my eyes; I can see the questions forming and the doubt starting to cloud her vision. Fuck I didn't mean for it to be like this, it's just I am confused as hell. It seems that I want to spend forever with her and I kinda want to know what she wants from this, from us.

"I don't think you can love someone too much Faith." She says and I close my eyes as she caresses the scowl line on my forehead. She always tells me I frown too much, I need to smile more. Not like I have had a hell of a lot to smile about, until now. Sometimes I think it is too much pressure for her always having to worry about my moods, how I think, how I feel.

I want her to understand what I am talking about. I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes, breathing in the essence of my love. She fills every sense of me leaving me breathless. "What is wrong, my love?" She whispers and I feel her against my face.

"I don't think you understand what you mean to me." I whisper scared to show her what and who I really am.

"I know you are my love, my partner, and my soul mate. I know that you know what I am thinking sometimes before I do." She says tickling my neck with her finger. I lean back further into the cushions trying to read everything on her face, in her eyes.

"B, ever since I was little I tried to keep everything I have felt in here." I place her hand above my heart. "Now, I don't know what I should say and what I should hide. If I told you every emotion I felt it would scare you, I know that for a fact because it scares me."

She kisses my lips softly and I run my fingers through her hair again and she smiles the softest of smiles. The one that always gives me a catch in my breath, the left side of her lips tilts up just slightly higher than the right. See that is what I am talking about, I am stalker material here. How many people notice all these little things about the person they love.

"You don't think I scare myself sometimes Faith. Sometimes when you go out on patrol and don't come home when I think you should. I find myself sitting at the window staring out there and thinking of you. I can never decide whether I should go looking for you or wait. I always wait because I don't want you to feel like you aren't capable of being who you should be." She shakes her head and Buffy's hair falls over her eyes.

I smile a little knowing she worries makes me feel loved and I like that. "It's not that B. I trust you to be a slayer; I worry sometimes when Willow looks at you I get jealous. Then when you are with Angel, I feel like he can offer you so much more than I can. He has a few hundred more years experience than me." I say hating to expose this side of myself; I do so much better hiding me from everyone.

"Baby, I love Angel and I always will but you also have to understand. You fill my heart with joy every morning I wake up and see that sleepy smile. I am absolutely astounded that you chose me to be your woman. I know you can have anyone but you're with me. I would never risk that no matter for who or what." She lays her head on my chest and is listening to my heartbeat, which is how she falls asleep every night. Then I get out of bed and sit in the chair trying to hide from my demons. The thing that soothes me is to know that she loves me no matter what.

"I do." She whispers, I look down questioningly.

"Do what sweetheart?" I ask.

"I love you no matter what." She says. "I know that you have had a hard life and if I could I would change it. I can't though Faith, I can only hope that I can be enough for you here and now."

I swallow hard and look down at her head against my chest. This is the hardest part for me. "Can I trust you?" She lifts her head quickly and I see a spark in her eyes, I think she misunderstood the question. "I mean can I trust you to always be honest about what you do, how you feel?" Buffy nods her head and I know she understands what I am asking. I feel a tear slide down my cheek as I think of how to phrase the next question "And if your feelings change I want you to tell me Buffy, I don't want us to play games."

Buffy brushes my tear away with her tongue, it would be arousing if I wasn't so tore up by my last thought.

"Baby, you spend so much time worrying about the future that you don't have time to enjoy what you have now. I love you and that isn't going to change. Faith, you are so special to me that it hurts me to be without you, you have to trust me. More importantly you have to trust yourself to be enough for me." She rotates her hips a little knowing that would get my attention. "You have to be enough for yourself baby because you are everything that I could ever want." I feel a little better as I kiss her lips softly.

"I trust you Buffy just please don't ever lie to me or betray that trust." I say knowing this conversation is over at least until next time my insecurities overwhelm me again. I am learning control with the help of my beautiful B maybe someday I'll be enough.

I push her back against the cushion of the bed knowing that tonight I will make love to her, I won't fuck tonight.

I slowly ease her t-shirt off of her body and watch her ribcage stretch as Buffy's back arches into my touch. I kiss those lips softly, whimpering as those nails drag along my spine and up onto my neck. Buffy always knows that my neck is my weak spot.

I move my lips against hers, tongue tasting every line and crevice including a little indention she has. Every time she has an orgasm she bites her lip, which is why she has that indention. My tongue caresses hers and I taste the flavor of strawberries and Buffy, an exquisite combination.

Our tongues are dueling as if they are both seeking to dominate and overtake the other. I win as she pulls away breathlessly Buffy's head tilts back trying to catch her breath. I take that opportunity to run my tongue down that exquisite little neck of hers. I can feel Buffy's pulse pounding as I start to suck above it. I bite and Buffy cries out hoarsely. I sniff the air and can smell the passion, the smell of sex hanging heavy in the room. I stand up and remove my clothes, I also watch as she strips her pajama bottoms off. I briefly hope no one comes in then I lose all sense of thought as I lay down next to my soul mate. I press my throbbing clit against hers, and then brace my arms on both sides of her head. Buffy's cheeks are flushed as I start to grind my pussy against hers. I know she is wet because I can feel the wetness combine with mine as I move. I start to thrust my hips forward, making my clit push hard against hers. Buffy's eyes are closed and I can feel her thrusting against me. God this turns me on, I want to be one with her.

I move down and start to suck on her neck, tracing the bruise from moments ago with my tongue. I start to move faster wanting to hear the sound of her coming. I rotate my hips every so often; nothing can be heard but the sounds of our breathing as bodies thrust together. Her nipples are rubbing against my stomach and they are hard and begging for attention. I keep thrusting my hips and maneuver myself enough that I can take that nipple into my mouth. I bite lightly then start to suck on it greedily, like a baby starving.

She cries out, hips arching high enough to almost throw me off. I know that Buffy wants it now but I want this to last, I know my words will never be able to convey my emotions so this is my only other option. I push my hips down hard, pinning her hips to the couch. I notice those hands are tearing the couch cushion as she grips them hard.

"I love you with every breath," I whisper as my tongue traces Buffy's lips. "With every touch" I say circling my hip against hers. "I love your smile," I whisper breathlessly as my tongue moves down her stomach. "I love the way you taste," I whisper as I near the essence of her. I can see the moisture dripping from between her lips. "Your smell" I say as I blow softly into her making Buffy cry out, hips rising high again. I know she wants me, right here, right now.

I flick my tongue out softly catching her clit with it. I look up to see her head is thrown back, and cheeks are flushed. Pillows have been thrown across the room in her passion. Not being able to stay away from her anymore I bury my face deep inside of her pussy. I can feel Buffy's moisture as my tongue greedily laps at the juices flowing from her, tasting sweeter than nectar to hummingbirds. I move my hand up thumb grinding into her clit. My tongue is sliding in and out, circling and teasing. I curve it up and can feel her muscles contract with each thrust.

Breathing heavy now, I move away licking at my lips. I start to suck on that hard clit and slide three fingers deep inside of her.

"Faith." I slide in.
"Bad…" I slide out. Suck the clit softly.
"I…" In fingers, tongue lapping softly.
"Hump." Tasting her juices.
"Lo…." In a little faster, I look up seeing her biting her lip hard.

I feel the muscles contracting, squeezing, and trying to hold me prisoner. In and out my fingers go. I watch my fingers as they slide in and out, juices coating them. Deep inside of her, back out. My breathing is hard and I know that I am ready.

I move above Buffy and start to thrust in hard and fast watching her eyes forcing her to meet mine trying to show what this heart feels. Harder, faster, in, and out, deeper I move and kiss her hard.

Control it is all about control. I move my lips against Buffy's and I know she tastes herself, I briefly wonder if she enjoys it as much as I do.

"FAITH" Buffy cries I know she's almost there.

In
Out
Harder
Faster
Breathing harder
Filling her
Harder
Faster
"I."
In and out they go filling her soul
"Lo.."
I push hard curving my fingers I feel her slip a little.
"..ve" fingers out then in and curve. Moisture flooding my hand, I collapse as I hear Buffy's screams echoing in the room.

"You" she whispers collapsing on the couch, bite marks deep in her lip.

I move above her and pull the throw over our naked bodies; these are the moments when I have control. These are the moments I know that I am what she needs me to be.

"I love you B" I whisper letting her hear my heartbeat, beating in rhythm with hers.

I know I will be unsure and insecure again, I just hope she will be there to catch me when I fall.

The End