Midnight Dreams
by Slayer125
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters are Joss' and Mutant Enemies and the
song is by the Calling.
Note: I know this story is strange but I hope you all like it.
Dedication: To Tracy, almost 2 years and still going strong. Also, to Denise who
is my awesome Beta.
I hear the thunder, feel it deep in my chest consuming me as much as every breath that rakes through this broken desperate body. The lightning streaks through the black skies and I want this storm as much as I want, no I don't want that. I fall to my knees as the rain starts to pour from the sky. I want it to cleanse me and make me worthy of her. It was so much easier when it was cut and dry. I was good and she was bad but then it all changed.
I lay on the ground feeling the rain and cold seeping into this flesh that I have to wonder if it is even mine. I look hard into the grass as if somehow it will give me all the answers that I need. I run my hand through my hair and I can almost imagine it is her slender fingers caressing it. Faith, the name is so simple yet so full of impact. I long for when this life was easy before it happened.
I died and went to heaven; it was wonderful because for the first time I was free. It was not even so much from the slaying but the pain. I lift myself up trying to compose myself but failing miserably. The hairs on my neck are standing straight up but I am too tired to care. Let them suck this blood that nourishes a life I am not worthy of.
Even before I became Buffy the Vampire Slayer I had plenty of pain. I had a father who would rather fuck his secretary than spend time with his wife and little girl. Tried to make my mother happy but I don't think I succeeded in that. Then there was Willow and Xander, Giles as well. I really felt like someone special. Leave it to me to screw that up by falling in love with a Vampire, then sending him to hell and him still love me.
I sniff and wipe at my face thinking how fucking pathetic I am. I should just be happy to be alive again but no I have to analyze everything.
I watched her while I was in heaven and I saw so much that I never allowed myself to before. I never had a clue that Faith was in love with me, and I did not realize that I loved her until now. Until I have pushed so hard and so far that she would just as soon kill me than see that I want to be to her.
The day they put me in the ground I saw what happened after everyone left the grave. Faith came to the grave and the once strong Slayer cried for what she had lost as did I. I saw the rose she left there for me, there was also a carving in the tree, which I am now tracing with my fingers. I have it memorized but the touch is comforting to me. There is a heart with the initials B and F on it, then there is a stake right through the center.
After I died Faith shut herself off from everyone except Angel who keeps me updated on her. Faith is always slaying and sleeping around, as far as I know she quit drinking finally. That happened after he told her I was back but I saw her the nights she would lay in her bed with my picture and trace my face until the picture was so worn that it tore. If you think it is possible to not feel pain in heaven you could not be more wrong because that was the night I realized that I loved her and wanted to help her become the strong woman I love. But here I am back in the flesh and have been for months, she came to me and helped me defeat the biggest bad. I wanted to beg her to stay with me but I could not make myself. Angel has called me begging me to help him save Faith from what she is becoming but how can I do that when I can't save myself. The lightning flashes again and I look up from what was once my final resting place. The ground has settled once again after the resurrection.
I swear I'm wrong as I look around for her. She can't be here, Angel would have called me. Then I see her only it is not my Faith. My heart stops as I realize it is too late for my happily ever after. She steps in front of me when I realize that I never saw her move. The hand that I wanted to hold mine is translucent, the chill around me is colder than being, OH MY GOD this can't be happening.
I am no longer aware of anything but the ghost of the woman I love standing in front of me. My body is shaking and I pray that I will wake up realizing this is a horrific dream that just isn't true.
"I had to say good-bye B. I know that things did not work out the way we expected but I have to say it."
Faith reaches a hand out and I long for the touch that can't happen. I wrap my arms around my waist trying to prevent this from happening. How could I have been so stupid and not told her what she meant to me?
"Faith, please! Fight it, you can't leave me." I swear I am screaming but my voice is nothing more than a whisper in the storm surrounding us.
"It is ok B." Her voice is supposed to soothe me but it just makes me want her here with me. "I am not scared."
I look down at the headstone that still has my name engraved on it. "But I am." I whisper hoping she hears the words I have to say. "That is why I haven't said anything Faith. I wanted to come to L.A. but I couldn't. Faith, you have to know."
"I do B." She said as she stepped closer, I knew Faith was trying to reassure me with her presence but it only made it worse. I lost my chance, the only reason for staying alive in this hell was gone.
"You don't know that I have loved you forever. You don't know that when I was in heaven I watched you and wanted so much to caress you like you caressed that picture. I should have."
"Life is too short for what if's B. You need to know that I know you love me and that my last breath was given to whispering the name of the woman I love. I will cherish you and no matter where I go."
Her hand is on my face and I feel the chill settle into my bones. The lightning flashed, she is gone, I am by myself but I hear her final words linger in the air.
"I will be caressing your face and your name will be etched in my heart and soul."
"I love you." I scream loudly to the night hoping that these are the words that linger in Faith's mind wherever she may go. The thunder cracks loudly and I feel the world shake around me. I look around and find myself in my bedroom.
The radio is on and the words of the song haunt me and I have to wonder what I had just been dreaming about. Was it real? was Faith ok? The phone rings and I block out all of the sounds from the house. I focus instead on the words of the song I am listening to.
So lately, I've been wonderin Who will be there to take my place When I'm gone, you'll need love To light the shadows on your face If a great wave shall fall It would fall upon us all And between the sand and stone Could you make it on your own
I know this can't be real, I have to be sleeping still. I will call Faith in a few minutes and I will hear her husky voice say my name and everything will be ok.
If I could, then I would I'll go wherever you will go Way up high or down low I'll go wherever you will go And maybe, I'll find out The way to make it back someday To watch you, to guide you Through the darkest of your days If a great wave shall fall It would fall upon us all Well I hope there's someone out there Who can bring me back to you
My heart pounding loudly in my ears, I hear a knock on the door. Willow steps in and holds the phone to me. I hear Angel's voice on the other end of the line. I know then that I have to go. I have to conquer all of my fears and be the one to bring her back to me.