Who Am I?
by Slayer Tash
Rating: PG-13
PART 1 “Mission complete. Echo returning to base.”
I sit up in my bed, my breath coming out in gasps, my heart hammering away in my chest. I push the sheets that are clinging to my sweat drenched body to the side and get up out of bed and make my way in to the kitchen.
4 weeks…4 weeks since the shit hit the fan and I have dreamt of her every night, the same line waking me up in a cold sweat…funny how the sweat is cold and I feel anything but cold as I rest my forehead against the cool steel of the fridge.
I would close my eyes as I try to calm down but each time I do I see the look on her face as she walked out of Angel’s office. The look that tells me I know I will never see her again.
“Buffy?”
I hear coming from Dawn behind me, I don’t move…I think the fridge is the only thing holding me up right now.
“Another dream?”
“No same dream just another night.”
“You wanna crash in my bed?”
“I don’t think I want to go back to sleep.”
“Do you think we should be talking to Giles about the dreams?”
“No I don’t” I sigh and move to face her, resting my back against my savior the fridge.
“They could be some kind of slayer dream.”
“Slayer dreams happen over and over before the event happens not after.”
“Well maybe this is in reverse, you keep dreaming of that day for a reason.”
“Cause I am fucked in the head Dawnie.”
“Well normally the answer to that is yes.” She says with a smile “However this time maybe you keep dreaming of it because you are meant to do something after it.”
“Like what? Not sleep with anyone ever again because of the mess it can cause?…well mission accomplished I won’t ever be having sex ever again powers that be so please stop making me have this dream” I say the last part to the ceiling.
“You ever think it isn’t them making you dream it.”
I shrug…I honestly don’t know why I am dreaming it night after night I just want it to stop because I want to start getting over her.
“Buffy you have never been able to get over Faith, it’s been how many years now?” She says as if reading my mind.
“Too many…not enough” I sigh again and sit at my breakfast nook.
“Want me to make pancakes?”
I shake my head in response.
“I know I don’t have to be up for work for another 4 hours but I don’t mind.”
“It’s okay Dawnie, go back to bed. I don’t want Giles on your case because you fell asleep in another translation meeting.”
“I think considering the current situation Giles needs to lighten up.”
“Giles is picking up the pieces caused by Angel’s death.”
She doesn’t say anything just comes over and kisses my cheek before heading back to her bedroom.
I have always loved my sleep, mainly because in this line of work and the hours that I have kept sleep became a luxury not a necessity like it is for most people. Then again as Faith liked to remind me, we weren’t like most people.
Now I hate it, each night in living colour I see a person I trusted betray me out of jealousy and the person I loved walk out of my life not knowing exactly how I felt. Despite all that came to light during her mission here she won’t ever remember any of it. She would have gone back to that place and had her memory wiped.
Everything we said, everything we did was all gone in her mind. She and I didn’t exist anymore to her. I guess I still have my memories of those 6 weeks but if we don’t exist in her mind then what does it matter what memories I have. What I have up here just reminds me we will never have it ever again and that hurts. It hurts so much that at times I can’t breathe…I don’t want to breathe. I just don’t want to exist anymore because without her what kind of existence is it anyway?
Every time I close my eyes I dream of my life being taken away from me.
I hate how I feel. I hate how I care so much when all I want to do is stop caring. I just want it to stop.
If I am not dreaming about her then I am thinking about her and it is starting to drive me mad. I think I have always been a little to the left of normal but I knew the line between sane and not so sane and lately because of my thoughts the line is a little blurred. The line is a lot blurred, what I do it isn’t healthy, what I say isn’t worth listening to, what I feel…what I feel is pain, is loss, is confusion, is making me die inside.
Giles thinks I need to mourn. The loss of Angel. The loss of Faith. Angel…that situation is easy. He betrayed me, he betrayed my friends and he screwed with my life worse than anyone ever has. What Faith did with Riley all those years ago is like comparing a dirt speck to a fricken mountain. He manipulated, he lied, he used, he…he broke me. Plus he is dead so the life journey with him came to close.
Faith however, Faith as always has never been simple. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how I felt about her, how I have always felt about her but was never aware of. I didn’t deny it because of the implications as so many people would think or because I think I am too good for her or that my head is up my butt, I honestly wasn’t aware of how I truly felt about her. When I was though I wasn’t able to act on it.
I know I have gone on about those wonderful 6 weeks we spent together before she left…can I even refer to it as that anymore? She didn’t leave, she didn’t run away from me or from us…she ran from what Angel tricked her in to seeing then was sold off to a place that made her forget who she was. So those 6 weeks…that time in my life with her would have to be the most significant relationship in my life.
I have been through a lot as have the people around me. The who’s who of the demon compendiums have made cameos or had staring roles in our lives at one point or another. I have shared my slayer powers with every possible person who is entitled to it. I have lost my Mother. I have died and come back twice. And the most significant period in my life was the lust filled, sex filled 6 weeks I spent with Faith.
And I didn’t get that it was that significant until it was all gone. I didn’t understand at the time that some life altering things were happening to me. It isn’t just about a change in orientation or engaging in such an intense and emotional connection with someone I once stabbed. How I thought about myself and how I saw the world was changing.
Faith got me, Faith understood me, Faith knew what I was about when I had no idea. She shared with me the one thing I couldn’t explain to anyone, couldn’t share with anyone, couldn’t explain to myself even. People knew what I was and what I did but they didn’t know me. I shared everything with Willow and I shared a lot with Xander but they won’t ever know me the way Faith did. And that isn’t even on an intimate level.
I have tried to mourn her. I have tried to let go of her. I have tried to tell myself that I won’t ever see her again. I have tried to move on…it lasted 30 seconds on each attempt. For me to face those things mean losing part of who I am. It isn’t because we are both slayers but Faith is a part of me. I think we could have been two normal girls living a normal life and we would have been together. I bet if I go dimension hopping that most alternate worlds have Faith and I together. Snuggling on the couch, weeding in the garden, doing the weekly food shopping, walking hand in hand along the beach at sunset, fighting over her putting an empty juice carton back in the fridge, fighting because I take too long to get ready for a night out, getting busted for making out inappropriately in public places, dry humping on the dance floor as we dance to the music, making love in our bed till the sun comes up.
How can I mourn her when I know that she is still alive? How do I let go of the hope that when she is finished with where she was taken she will come back to me? How do I do anything without her? How do I walk? How do I talk? How do I breathe? How do I stop caring?
Somebody tell me please.
Does Faith dream of me like I dream about her? Does she close her eyes each night and see my face? And if she does, does she even wonder who I am…cause of the memory wiping and all or does she just feel me deep inside her and know within herself that I am out there somewhere waiting for her.
I am tired…I am tired of thoughts…I am tired of dreams…I am tired of feeling helpless…I am tired of feeling sorry for myself…I am tired of life without her…I am tired of just being in this room lost in my thoughts.
I wanted to stop caring and I wanted to stop thinking about her but after weeks and weeks of different dreams and different thoughts I figured there was something to Dawn’s words. Maybe I am dreaming about her for a reason, maybe I can’t let go for a reason…apart from the obvious ones related to our relationship.
I just want to talk to her and yell at her and apologise to her…just be near her again because I feel like something is missing from me.
When she first left I didn’t feel this way, I was beyond mad with her. I was furious. It felt like she didn’t trust me and she didn’t even wait to talk to me. I thought she had just taken off bring forth the furious.
Now, now I know that she didn’t take off. I know that she was manipulated and used and lied to and this empty feeling just fills me up. Kind of an oxymoron I know but that is what it feels like. I am chock full of empty.
The longer I stay here away from the world the more I think about Faith after she is released from this place. Will she still think I was with Angel? Will she still be mad with me? Will she even remember anything before Dollhouse? Will she even come back to us?
Then after that even more serious questions pop in to my head. Will she want answers?
I know that if she does ever come back then I want what we had back. We fought for so many years that when it finally stopped and we just were how we were with each other. Clichés prevailed. The stars aligned. It felt like it was how it was always meant to be. I stopped bullshitting to myself and I stopped bullshitting to her.
So when she wants answers I know I am going to have to be honest.
I will have to let her know what Angel did to her, to us. I will have to tell her what happened when she came back. I will have to tell her that we left her there in that facility knowing what they did for god knows how long till she was released.
That last part just kills me. Knowing that we are leaving her with them. Letting them wipe her mind, letting them sell her off to the highest bidder, letting them use her body…letting them hurt her.
If she knew that we just left her there then we are over.
So I guess it is time to get over myself. Pull up my socks. Reassemble the troops.
It’s time to get my girl back.
“We need to get her back” I state waltzing in to what was Angel’s office.
“Buffy, hello” Wesley the only occupant of the room says.
“Hi. Faith. We have to get her back.”
“Right and you came to me rather than Giles because?”
“Well this was the first place I came and no matter who was in here the us getting Faith back was going to be the topic of conversation.”
“Okay. I will call a meeting. I already have Gunn working on Dollhouse and ways we can infiltrate them or even bring them down.”
“So one evil corporation is going to in battle with another evil corporation. Gee hasn’t slaying gone 21st century.”
“I prefer to think of this as an evil corporation run by good people.”
“Yeah right and what did your last CEO do?”
“He did that off his own bat Buffy. None of us knew about it and I assure that if we did we would have done everything in our power to stop it, to stop him.”
“And what? Have him try it again the next time he has a side of crazy with his morning cup of blood. Believe me when I say him getting dusted is the best ending to any battle I have had to fight.”
“Now Buffy that is just the betrayal talking.”
“Damn straight it is! For years and years I had Angel love blinkers on. I was able to rationalize everything he did to me, my friends, my family, my town. He didn’t have a soul blah, blah, blah…well guess what, he did some pretty fucked up things with a soul. Faith…she…You…you…we…all went out on a limb for him time after time and we all allowed lame excuses to let him off the hook. So many things he did were inexcusable. How many lives could have been saved if I had just staked him the first time when I had the chance, or the second time or the third, fourth or twentieth time?”
“Think of how many lives he saved working here!”
“He played with my life!”
“You are making this very personal.”
“It is very personal. My girlfriend was sold off to the highest bidder.”
“Buffy I think we have to remember all the good An-”
“I don’t have to remember anything. When Faith went all loopy she paid for what she did.”
“And he didn’t?” He bangs the desk “His soul was his punishment, he lived with what he did everyday, he tried to make up for what he did everyday.”
“For selfish reasons! He knew that the more he paid it back to closer he got to making his soul permanent and becoming human again.”
“Do you honestly think he would have accepted being human again? He wouldn’t have been able to fight or able to keep helping.”
“Oh boo hoo. I don’t see you, Giles, Xander, Andrew, Dawn or Gunn wielding any super human powers in your fight. Sure Gunn has the wicked cool lawyer thing going on for him now but he never went in to battle with any of the advantages Angel or I did. If he felt he couldn’t fight on once he became human again then he was a weak human being to begin with, a selfish human being.”
“And you aren’t?”
“I know I am. I know I am selfish and spoiled and bratty. One of the reasons I want to get Faith out is because I want my girlfriend back. Angel though…Angel thought he was morally superior. He used what he was doing to feel better about himself. I don’t doubt that it hurt him to remember what the demon part of him did but as time went on the pain and hurt he caused was a distant memory…plus he didn’t choose the soul so what else was he supposed to do.”
“Arguing about what Angel was or wasn’t isn’t helping us.”
I sigh “You’re right. So plans are in motion?” I give up the argument cause I think I kinda won with Wes stopping it…yes he also stopped it with logic but I don’t care cause I so totally won.
“They are.” He snips his answer…I so won!
“So a meeting?”
“I will schedule it for this afternoon. I am meeting Gunn before lunch to see what he has come up with.”
“Okay.”
“We will get her back Buffy. I’ve…I’ve failed Faith too many times to let this happen to her.”
“You and me both Wes. You and me both.”
I think I am going to jam this pen in to my eye. Four hours I have been sat in this meeting while Giles and Wesley go over Angel’s encrypted files.
It hasn’t all been bad because we got information we needed on Dollhouse, even a way in but now they are sitting there marveling at the technology that was used to hide the files of information Angel had.
“I have to get Willow in to see this, it is simply magnificent.”
“Giles can we pay homage to the lord of encrypted files later…focus on saving Faith first.”
“Buffy I don’t think you understand the complexity that he went to-”
“Giles I don’t give a crap at the complexity of the hiding. The point of this meeting is to put a plan in motion to save Faith not get a happy over Microsoft office.”
“It is hardly Microsoft office Buffy. We are talking stuff that Bill Gates himself would be amazed at.”
“Great, well you can give him a call and chat about it all fucking week for all I care, just after we save Faith.”
“She’s not going anywhere Buffy” Wesley joins in the conversation.
“Neither is the encrypted file and nobody will be playing with the files life. Molding it in to god knows what to do god knows what.”
“Okay Buffy settle down. Now as discussed earlier we have one of two options. We can enter Dollhouse as a prospective client or as a prospective investor.”
Some of the information Angel had saved showed that this place is privately funded by anonymous donors and investors who are interested in the kind of technology they use in relation to mind control.
“Why don’t we enter both ways?” I say “If one fails we have the other.”
“We do have the man power and the resources” says Wes.
“Are Wolfram and Hart going to be okay with this? They hired Angel for a specific reason to run this branch and now he is gone.”
“Gunn spoke with the partners a few days ago. They are happy for us to continue what Angel was doing…before the crazy.”
“Right and we trust a firm based on doing evils bidding?”
“Despite appearances they aren’t all about evil Buffy. They understand better than anyone about keeping the balance between good and evil. It was the main reason they brought Angel in. Evil was taking over, the staff became drunk on the power that came with evil. When he took the job it was a situation of keeping your enemies closer but when he started to change things-”
“Blah. Blah, blah. I don’t give a crap about what a ‘difference’ you think Angel made to this place I just want to make sure that we have the means and needs to get Faith home. I don’t want to go out in to battle get the job half way done and then have the rug pulled out from under me.”
“They support us 100%.”
“Angel’s research showed that Wolfram and Hart were interested in Dollhouse long before he was. In fact I think he accidentally stumbled on their research in to the company…in the end I guess they ultimately helped him.”
“Remind me to send the partners a fruit basket when we are done” I snap “So we go in both ways. If we are lucky enough to get a meeting to hire a doll then we hire Echo bring her back here and reverse whatever they have done.”
“I doubt it will be that easy Buffy” Giles says taking off his glasses “We need to know how they do what they do. What they use to wipe their minds, what kind of state the Dolls are in when they aren’t programmed…we need to look in to the dangers of what wiping her mind will do.”
“If we assume some of what happened to her while she was here was true then they use some kind of chair with blue lights. Faith told me she remembers being in this chair. She wasn’t connected to anything like wires or leads but there were machines attached to this chair that did all the reading. She said it felt like she would fall asleep in this chair but when she woke up it was confusing for her. She said she didn’t remember lying down in the first place and when she was ask questions they would just say she had been taking a nap and would lead her out of the room.”
“I think we need to definitely go in as ‘investors’ first. What I read in the files was that anyone who was taken on board as an investor got a tour of the place and depending on their field of expertise got an in depth report in to what they do and how they do it. We have several different teams being rounded up all with possible ways that we can get the information needed to undo what they did to Faith.”
“Can't we use magic?”
“That is a possibility, a last resort one. Using magics to undo modern technology can have dire consequences.”
“Which way will have her back here quicker?”
“Buffy please understand that this isn’t about quickly. We need to do this properly. This isn’t a going after a preacher in a vineyard kind of mission or any other kind of thing we have done before. If we get found out by this place then they are likely to kill Faith and anyone else involved with her. They are serious about keeping what they do going and go about any means to do so. Remember what we are dealing with here. They have no reservation in using human’s to do all kinds of unspeakable acts.”
“I know Giles. I know what is involved here and when I think about…about what they make her do. I can’t think past get my girlfriend back, I can’t think past the selfish reasons because when I do.”
“I know.”
He says softly cutting me off before I have to say any of the shitty things.
He knows that thinking them is bad enough.
Proactive Buffy is gone. I waved her goodbye after yet another meeting with Uncle Killjoy and his annoying nephew Stick in the Mud and said hello to the Buffy I have come to know and love. I am a mix of depressed and pissed off and all I can see is my anger…so back to normal Buffy I guess? Hmm seems this version come with a side of kicky sarcasm.
Now not only do we have to worry about getting Faith back but now they want to do what they can to save the other ‘dolls’. After an argument that went in circles I told them to get fucked and even threw a few files that were on the conference table in front of me. I love a dramatic exit almost as much as I love a good speech.
They say it is my selfishness that is clouding my judgment. That I want Faith back so I can recapture the wonderful 6 weeks we had. Well first of all ‘DUH!’ of course I want her back for that reason but it isn’t the main one. What they are making her do I know she wouldn’t be okay with it. All the shit she has dealt with in the past, all the work she has done to be where she was with her life would be gone in an instant.
She wouldn’t care that she was tricked in to going or that she was programmed to do all those things. She would see the old Faith doing the old things.
Of course UK and SITM didn’t see it that way. Here they are running Wolfram and Hart and they have the gall to bring up morals. Faith was sold off to this place and as far as I am aware all the other dolls they have working for them volunteered for their ‘experiment’. Faith however did not!
My contribution was if they signed up of their own free will they stay. We go in, we get Faith and we leave them the hell alone to continue doing whatever it is they are doing. If we worry about everyone else in the place then it just gets way too complicated.
“I don’t think anything is more complicated than going in to battle thinking with your groin rather than you brain” I say mimicking Wesley from earlier today “Thinking with my groin” I snort “If he thought with his groin it would be a very long thought that’s for sure.”
I flop on to my couch and decide that I am going to come up with my own plan, one that doesn’t involve The Thompson Twins and one that will totally kick their plans ass.
So I think I may have come up with a plan. I buy Faith back.
Yeah I don’t think Faith will like the idea of being bought either…even if it is to stop her from doing things she doesn’t know about but will spend the rest of her life trying to make up for.
I could find another slayer that is willing to trade places with her. Yeah like Uncle Killjoy will let that happen.
I trail her on a mission and then sneak up behind her with a cloth covered in chloroform and knock her out and bring her back here…shit we don’t know how to reverse what they have done to her yet.
Plans are hard!
I have sat on my couch for a good 45 minutes and not one of the ideas I came up with used any kind of logic. Well not sane logic anyway.
The kidnapping one is a good idea because basically that is what we are going to have to do. There isn’t anyway they are going to let us just take their best doll away from them. It just needs finessing and it just needs something to reverse all that was done to her in a painless and good for her kind of way.
And I know how to do that. Willow.
There was a knock on my apartment door. I get up off the couch and go over and answer the door.
“I hear you need me” Willow says standing there with a huge smile.
I stand aside to let her in “Out of all the things we have seen and done over the years you being able to do that is what freaks me out the most.”
“Hey I am wicked with the mojo and my best friend should be able to reap some of the perks.”
“About time cause it seems to me Kennedy has been hogging those ‘perks’ for sometime now” I say closing the door behind me.
“Do you want the same perks as her? Cause if you do I am so gonna have to hide from Faith when we get her back.”
“I love you Will but I don’t love you.”
“Ouch! Xander is right that does hurt.” She grins and plops down on my couch.
“So Giles and Wes are being giant pains in the butt about all of this. They want to do their research and take their time and if we weren’t talking about Faith being manipulated and used then I would be on board with their ideas but it is about that so I am all about as quickly as possible.”
“Uh huh.” She nods ‘Do you think we should talk about this out loud?’
Her voice pops in to my head ‘If they have the place bugged aren’t they going to notice the lack of talking?’
‘Well we just have two conversations.’
I know my brain is going to hurt, I nod the response to her in my head suggestion and then out loud “Are you going to embellish on uh huh?”
“I just don’t know how comfortable I feel with clandestine meetings.” She opens her laptop and plugs in her USB ‘I am sooooo on board with you, they are being overly cautious and they don’t need to be.’
“So you are on their side?”
“No sides Buff. I want her back just as safely as you do and Giles and Wesley know what they are doing.”
I snort.
‘They are totally clueless and are stalling. They may have some of the best resources at their hands but they are too scared to use it. They are being so cautious because of the partners.’
“Will I can’t stay here doing nothing when I know she is out there.”
“I know Buff.”
“No you don’t! You can go home at night and snuggle with your sweetie. I lie awake at night knowing mine has no memory of me because she was sold off like a fricken slave!”
“Okay, okay. I know this isn’t anywhere near having Faith back but how about we go out for the day? Head down to Melrose put a dent in our council credit cards.”
“Really? That is your suggestion. I shop my troubles away?”
“No just put them on hold for a few hours.”
‘Is there somewhere safe we can go and talk about this?’ I ask.
She nods “Come on Buffy, you have been stuck in this apartment for weeks and while I’m not dismissing why you have been up here a best bud has gotta worry a little bit. Come out, blow off some steam, spend Giles’ money as a form of revenge and then get back on the case with them.”
“I dunno Will…I just feel like I am leaving her at the mercy of them.”
“I know but going off half cocked without a plan won’t help her either.”
“Wesley says I am being selfish.”
“If it was Kennedy I would be doing what you are 100%.”
“I know part of my reason for wanting her back is selfish, I don’t deny that at all. I just wish it wasn’t used against me every 2 seconds.”
“If you want to talk to them about it then I will come with you.”
“Thanks Will, I think I might just settle for some revenge shopping for now. I am mad enough to do some considerable damage.”
“That’s my girl, meet me at my place in 30 minutes. I need to get out of these office clothes.”
I smile at her.
‘I so have secret files on my USB that are totally going to help us, getting changed is just a cover.’
“Thanks Will. I will see you soon.”
Willow wasn’t kidding about her secret files or about Giles and Wesley being scared. Turns out what they said they gave to the IT department to decrypt wasn’t given to them at all. The information they shared with me in the meetings weren’t even in the encrypted files. It was just sitting in a normal research file on the main server that all employees had access to.
Willow swears she ‘accidentally’ overheard them talking a few days ago about stalling me as long as they could because they aren’t even sure we are going to be able to get Faith back because they both feel out of their depth.
She did a little digging and was able to see the encrypted files had sat untouched for quite some time. They last person to access them was Angel himself. She downloaded them on to this nifty little USB key with something called a U3 on it which means it can’t be traced or if she is using it they can’t trace it.
Giles and Wes were lying! What is it with men and lying to me?
I even caught them out in a lie when I got back to the office. See neither Willow or I told them where I was going or what I was doing but when I came back to the building empty handed they questioned me on it.
“I say this must be a first, you and Willow shopping and you come back empty handed” Wesley says with a smile as I walk in to his office.
“How did you know I was going shopping?”
Giles takes of his glasses and begins cleaning them “Willow told me, she wanted to run her having the afternoon off by me.”
“Oh right.” You big fat liar “I did get a few things but they are at Will’s. She and I talked and I am going to just chill out and hang at her place for a few days. Being in the apartment is just messing with my head…if we are going to help Faith then we need to be working together.”
Oh just hand me the Oscar now!
“Will pointed out that I was thinking too much with my heart and that wasn’t helping anyone. She suggested I take a few days away from here and let you guys work on all that stuff you found without me breathing down your necks…I didn’t agree with her at first but when she pointed out that Faith would benefit more from careful planning than impulse planning…” I trail off as ‘tears’ well in my eyes.
“Buffy please don’t think we don’t understand what you have invested in this. We understand completely and the passion you bring with that will come in very handy when the time comes but for now we need to be delicate.”
“I know” I wipe my eyes “I am so used to being in charge and having people follow my plans.”
“Things are different now.”
“I know…I just came by to grab a few things from my place and then I am going back to Will’s…I also wanted to apologise.”
Giles comes up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder “No need Buffy like Wesley said we completely understand.”
“Thanks Giles” I sniffle a bit for effect and as much as it makes bile rise in my throat I pull him against me for a hug.
As I walked out of the office I was waiting for someone to call out scene or is it cut? I don’t know and I don’t care really.
I guess it isn’t a mystery that this place we are trying to get in to is state of the art with its gadgets and doohickeys, all I wanted to know was if we get in via magic is it going to be traceable. According to Willow no, they don’t use magic and for a corporation as forward thinking as theirs the knowledge they have about our world is basically non existent.
Angel was very careful about what he told them in relation to Faith’s abilities and of course himself. He didn’t spare any detail on us though. Told them we may come knocking one day looking for her but not to be fooled. He gave them this big bogus story about how she was his little sister and they had been in witness protection for some time now and no matter how much the Police tried to protect them we always found her. He went to them for her to disappear forever.
I wonder what they are thinking about him now considering someone hired her to kill him. Guess once the person is theirs they don’t give a crap who hires them to do what.
So us going in as us is a no no but the fact they aren’t too big on the supernatural world Willow is pretty certain we will be able to go in with glamour’s hiding our true identities.
She is already in contact with them and has an appointment for us to visit their headquarters tomorrow. She doesn’t have to stretch the truth too much in relation to herself. Told them she was a big brain who was studying to be a neurologist but didn’t feel challenged enough in that field and wanted to explore the capacity of the human brain more. She had even emailed them a copy of a thesis she had supposedly done during her time at college.
My part is that of the finance. She has told them that I am willing to donate to their facility if they help her. Apparently I am not even needed. She was told in an email reply that based on her grades and thesis they would be interested in talking to her without a billion dollar sponsor but to bring me along anyway.
Yeah me a billionaire, she sent them copies of one of the council’s unused bank accounts and just transferred them in to my aliases name.
What she had already put in motion amazed me. Then again the Willow who used to use her magic to search the internet back in the ‘dale certainly got upgraded when we released the power of the scythe.
When we realized what had happened all those years back that our mojo had enhanced her mojo she kinda freaked out. Not cause of the black hair and veins that used to come with all that jazz but the fact that all she had to do was think of a spell and it was performed. No potions, no words just poof and it happened. It caused a few fights between her and Kennedy too cause a few times while they were making with the hanky panky Will needed to think of someone else to achieve…to arrive at her goal.
If we thought her turning into Warren was a weird day, you should have seen the shock on our faces when we saw Kelly Clarkson leaving Will’s room one morning. Turns out it was just Kennedy going to get coffee.
Anyway back to the task at hand. Willow had our way in and a free pass to tour the facility holding Faith. I was kind of hoping that I would get to tour where the dolls were kept just so I could catch a glimpse of her and see how she was but I am under strict instructions to not go in with the Faith blinkers on. I have to do as I am told.
I guess we will see what happens tomorrow.
All I know is if I see Faith and they are hurting her in anyway then I can't be held accountable for my actions.
I am in awe, this Dollhouse place is just amazing.
For people that do shitty things they really keep the people they do it to living in luxury. However for all the amazing I see there is about 10 times more disturbing I see as well. They have these people just wandering around with these blank faces.
I have been told they are dolls that aren’t currently on a mission. So if they aren’t programmed to be doing anything why are they just left to wander around aimlessly? I did ask that and I was just laughed at. I guess the fact that I have a lot of money doesn’t matter to them. I know if I was trying to get a lot of money off someone I would not be laughing at their questions.
“Do you allow the dolls to do anything on their missions?” I ask.
“We try to keep them programmed to do what is needed of them.”
“What happens if the person that hires them tries to veer them off course?”
“Each person that hires one of our dolls signs a contract. One that is specific to each mission. If our dolls are used for any purpose other than the mission we know and our clients know we know. We deal with them in our very own special way.”
“What if someone wanted to hire them for a night?” I know I do not want to hear this answer.
“We have dolls that are specifically for that kind of night.”
“And the people they were before they became a doll are okay with you selling their body?”
“The people that are signed up here know exactly what can be asked of them. We go over every possible scenario with them before they sign on. They can choose what they are hired out for. Very much like one signs up for college classes.”
“Yeah because it is the same as that” I snort in response.
We continue the tour through the ground floor. There are people doing Tai-Chi in what looks to be some kinda of Feng Shui garden, more people wandering around aimlessly and a small group of them in a cafeteria.
So far there is no sign of Faith. And this Adelle De Witt I am walking around with is just making my skin crawl.
“Do you have favourite dolls?”
“What do you mean Miss Montgomery?” Adelle stops walking and looks at me.
“Please call me Roxy, I mean favourite dolls. Ones that seem to get more jobs than the others or are they sent out in some kind of order.”
“Our clients see a catalogue of dolls with outlines of the kinds of missions they have done and also what they will do. They are chosen that way.”
“Do you give them a rating, like a success rating?”
“We do like to let prospective clients know that kind of information. Rest assured though that all our dolls complete what they are hired for. We aren’t in the business of losing.”
“Now I know the brain side of it is more down my friends alley but I am just curious as to what kind of method is used. Whether it is painful for them.”
“They feel as if they are asleep. They are monitored through the entire process to make sure nothing goes awry.”
“Have you had any cases where it has gone wrong?”
“We wouldn’t be doing what we are doing if things could go wrong, we are very careful about the well being of the people in our employ.”
“It seems to me you have no problem in using people as vessels to do others dirty work.”
“This is a business Miss Montgomery.”
“So profit line before people?” I can feel myself getting angry.
“Please don’t get me wrong Miss Montgomery. I feel you are taking offence to the answers I am giving you.”
“I am just having a hard time understanding how you can sleep at night knowing you are wiping people’s mind blank and hiring their body out to the highest bidder. How you can stand there and calmly answer each of my questions without once thinking about the person you are doing these things too!”
“They are not people!”
“Yes they are! You may take away any scrap of humanity they have but they are still people.”
She folds her arms across her chest “Your friend gave us the impression that you knew what we did and were perfectly okay with this.”
“My friend told me she wanted to further her education with neurological studies and this was the institute that did it.”
“She was right. We can teach her more.”
“At the expense of others lives?”
“You don’t have to take any part of this if you feel uncomfortable with what we do Miss Montgomery. Of course when you leave here we would have to alter your memory of being here.”
I get right up in her face “Are you threatening me?”
“Not at all. You understand that we have to protect ourselves.”
I notice in my peripheral vision a couple of guards standing to attention waiting to see what I do but I step back from her when I feel the all familiar tingle running down my spine. I try not to play too obvious knowing that Faith is near me.
“Sorry, I just…I’m the money she is the brains.”
“Relax Miss Montgomery. Your friend Gina seems to be the kind of person we need here and if she shows the same compassion you have then she will certainly be an asset to this organization. The passion you show is what we look for, the questions you have asked we encourage.”
I let out a shaky breath as I feel the tingle getting stronger.
“Would you like a moment Miss Montgomery?” She asks looking over my shoulder.
“Yes please.”
“Please excuse me” she says then walks off.
I turn and watch her as she makes her way up to Faith and a tall looking African American man.
Faith’s eyes lock with mine and I am done for. I swear if they turn around right now they are going to see a Roxy shaped puddle.
My pulse is racing and my breathing is shallow and erratic and it is taking all I have to not walk up to her and just be near her, to breathe her in.
She is making her way over to me and this puddle shaped alias is shitting bricks.
She stops in front of me “I know you.”
“I-I-don’t think s-s-s-so.”
“Your eyes, I know I know them…the rest of you I don’t” she says so soft that I know only I can hear her. “You have a different body.”
“No” I say just as quietly.
“You know me. In a place full of people that know nothing you know me.” She steps right into my personal bubble “You know who I really am.”
“Echo is everything okay?” The tall man is beside her.
“I saw her with Adelle, I was making sure she wasn’t here to cause any trouble” she says stepping back.
“It’s okay Echo. Miss Montgomery here is taking a tour, seeing what you and the other dolls do.”
They are telling her what I am doing here? Do they treat all the dolls like this?
“Echo has just returned from a mission. I was taking her to see Topher.”
“Right well I will let you continue on your way then” Adelle says “Thank you Echo.”
I look at her and her eyes are still on me.
She sees me, Buffy.
And I see Faith…
And Faith is scared.
I am still trying to calm down and don’t notice that Adelle is talking. She is all Roxy this and Roxy that then I realize I am supposed to be Roxy.
“Sorry, could you repeat the question” I ask Adelle slowly coming back in to focus.
“I was just apologizing for Echo and her behavior.”
“Right…right. No need to. I guess she saw me facing off with you and got a bit protective.”
“Was she rude to you?”
I shake my head “Just reminding me that you are doing me a favour by showing me around and I should mind my manners.”
“Echo is one of our most remarkable dolls. She has speed and agility that would amaze…well most people. She is very intuitive and very much a go getter. No matter what we imprint her with she always seems to be her own individual self.”
Sounds like my Faith I think to myself holding back a smile.
“Should we see how Gina is fairing?”
I nod and follow her.
When we find Gina/Willow she is with this lanky blonde guy and in a room with the infamous ‘Blue Chair’.
“Hey Roxy, how was the tour?” Willow asks.
“I had a great tour. I was kind of skeptical at first but after chatting with Adelle and actually getting to interact with one of the dolls I think my mind has been put at ease.”
“You interacted with a doll?” Lanky blonde guy says.
“It was totally unintentional. Boyd was escorting Echo back after a mission. Echo witnessed words between Roxy and I and she came to my defense.”
He shakes his head “Echo never ceases to amaze me.”
‘Will why are we in this room?’
‘I have the feeling our minds are going to be wiped of this trip. I spent 2 hours with this geek and nothing.’
‘Well my interaction with Faith was interesting. She recognized me.’
‘What? Did she say anything?’
‘Not so they could hear.’
“Gina, Topher here tells me you have quite an aptitude for all things to do with the brain” Adelle says cutting off our telepathic conversation.
“I guess…I just like to be challenged.”
“Do you think we would do enough here to challenge you?”
“I think so.”
I feel the tingle again and turn to the doorway. Faith is there with this Boyd person.
“Ah we meet again” he says looking at me.
“I guess so” I give him my best fake warm smile and use all my strength not to look at Faith.
“Adelle perhaps our guests would like a beverage and I will join you as soon as Echo has been debriefed” Boyd suggests.
Debriefed…debriefed. Oh please you are going to put her in that chair and fuck with her head you asshole.
I feel Willow’s hand on my arm ‘I won’t let them hurt her.’
“Actually I want to see if these girls are as serious as they make out to be. Would you like to see just what we are all about here?” Adelle asks.
I look at her. She is issuing us a challenge.
“I’m up for it” I say.
I feel a wave of fear hit me. I know that it came from Faith 100%.
“I have been waiting to see what this baby can do since the moment I laid eyes on it” Willow says running her hand over the chair in kind of gross sexual way.
“Echo” Boyd says to her and she makes her way to the chair and lies down.
She looks me in the eyes as they attach the monitors to her. I try to convey to her that she is going to be okay. That I am going to protect her.
“B…B” I am being gently shaken.
“5 more minutes Mom.”
I hear a husky chuckle and hot breath over the back of my neck.
I roll on to my back and blink a few times to focus my eyes. They focus on a pair of deep chocolate eyes and a warm toothy smile.
“Morning Princess” she leans over me.
“Faith?”
“Yeah, who else were you expectin’?”
“What happened?” I frown.
“Red and some wicked mojo” she kisses my forehead, her way of getting me to stop frowning.
I pinch her.
“OUCH! What was that for?”
“I wanted to make sure I wasn’t dreaming” I smile.
“You are meant to pinch yourself doofus.”
“Doofus? Doofus? DOOFUS?”
“Yeah, you are a doofus” she begins tickling me.
“Faith no!” I start to squeal “Please Faith NO!”
The phone starts ringing and I thank the powers that be for that small mercy.
“Saved by the bell” I pant out as she lets me up to answer it “Hello.”
“Hey Buff.”
“Xander hey.”
“I know you and Faith are probably all with the getting reacquainted again but Giles has called a meeting. He wants to discuss a few things.”
“Can't this wait?”
“Well it has been two days since you returned and he thinks that is enough to time to…for you and Faith to talk.”
“Until 2 minutes ago I was asleep there has been no talking.”
“Or screwing” Faith says into the phone leaning over me.
Xander chuckles “Half an hour, Wes’ office.”
“Fine” I click off the cordless with a huff and flop back on to the bed dramatically.
“Let me guess. G Man is putting a kink in us getting our groove back.”
“Yep. I have been out of it for two days?”
“We both kinda have. I think I must have built up immunity to the mind control bizzo but with the kinda mojo Red put out it was enough to shut all of LA down for a few hours.”
“Instead it just got me?”
“And those Dollhouse fuckers.”
Is it wrong I even missed the way she said Fuckers? I push some of her hair behind her ear “We do have half an hour till we have to be present and accounted for.”
“Well I suggest you spend at least 15 minutes of that in the shower.”
“And the other 15 minutes?”
“Well you will be spending them in me.”
"Wait…Faith just wait" I push my hands against her shoulders before she gets a chance to start the pleasurable journey southwards.
"What? No time for a little foreplay?" She wiggles her eye brows.
I move from under her and sit on the side of the bed "It isn't that."
"Straight to the shower then?" She is a blur of arms and legs as she heads to my ensuite pulling her bed clothes off.
"Faith!"
She stops mid panty fling and looks at me.
"Aren't you the least bit curious…disturbed…How can you just be all so…"
"Me?" She quirks an eyebrow.
"No…even the you before would be all with the questions."
"The me before what?"
"Ah hello the mind control bizzo."
She frowns "Mind control bizzo? Twinkie did you bump your head on patrol last night?"
"You just said not even 2 minutes ago after I hung up the phone."
"The phone?"
"Would you stop answering me with questions. You woke me up, I pinched you then you called me a doofus, you tickled me and the phone rang, we were summoned downstairs and you mentioned you had built up an immunity to the mind control but we had been out of it for two days because of the mojo Willow had worked and then you heading for the shower because we decided to before we went down to see Giles."
"First off there was no pinching or name calling or tickling…you were getting the customized Faith Lehane wake up call, Secondly there was no phone call summoning us anywhere. Thirdly mind control and Willow mojo…what the? And the shower thing, you hate being late speshly when we have been ya know…We have the debriefing in soul boy's office after last nights take down of the wicked ugly dudes in south central."
"We fought them a-" I stop and look around…I am in the apartment I had before we were moved in to Wolfram and Hart.
"Last night, you almost had your hand sliced in half, if it weren't for Angel it would be all wicked gross and green right now for sure."
I looked down at my hand and see the remnants of a huge cut. The jagged scar that had faded months ago was back, glowing red mocking me I'm sure.
"B, baby are you okay?" She comes and kneels in front of me.
I put my head in my hands and rest my elbows on my knees "I don't know."
"Are you sure you didn't knock your head last night?"
"Yeah" I look at her "We should get ready."
"What aren't you telling me?"
"I don't know, I think maybe I need to talk to Willow first."
"Of course ya do." She gets up "Gotta make sure Red knows before anyone else does."
"Don't get pissed off Faith…what I have to explain is a lot and Willow knows about what I have to explain…well at least I think she does anyway."
"You are freaken unbelievable Buffy, you have us sneak around and hide us and then when we do get caught by the houlier than though Willow you play it off as a one off hungry and horny moment…Are you and Red…Are you with her?"
"NO! Me and Willow no…that would be…well just plain wrong. I just need to talk to her before I talk to you and you think I am crazy."
"I already think you are crazy, now I think you are cheating on me. I'd prefer to just think the first one."
"You think I am crazy?"
"Please everyone we are associated with is some kinda crazy including us."
"I am sooo not crazy."
"That is sooo not the point." She say mocking me "You avoiding me in preference of Red is."
"There is no preference what so ever for Willow, my Sapphic side has only ever had eyes for you."
"Well fucking talk to me. Despite the secret meetings and clandestine fucking this isn't some kinda fling for me B."
"I kinda knew that when we actually did this thing more than once and since when did you use words like clandestine."
"If you paid attention in meetings rather than staring at my ass or tits you'd know that I know all kindsa big words."
"I don't always stare" I say crossing my arms over my chest.
"True, most days you space out thinking of me throwing your legs over my shoulders and eating your juicy little pussy till you pass out."
I get up off the bed "You are so vulgar."
"That's how ya want it though Twinkie…you only let it go so far before you are pushing me away again. It is the classic Buffy/Faith pattern only this time sex was involved."
"Hey I wasn't the only one who did the pushing away."
"I haven't pushed you away for a long time B, cried out for help on more than one occasion."
"Bullshit, do you want me to name all the occasions you the non pusher have pushed?"
"No, I wanna know what is so important that you can't tell me before Willow!"
"Last night happened months ago only I didn't wake up about to get to a trip to happy town…in fact I didn't go to sleep at all. Angel did help me with my hand but you came in and saw way more than what was going on, chucked the shits and took off. I spent hours looking for you then eventually went back to your place to wait for you…only you never came back. I didn't see you again until a week or so ago when you came running out of a building in a yellow sundress and blue shrug cardigan."
"I would never wear a dress…let alone blue with yellow."
"I know. You had been missing for months when I ran in to you…you had no idea who you were or why you were in the building you were toting a gun and also no idea why. I took you to Angel's and long story short it turns out you had been working for an organization called The Dollhouse. They take human volunteers…wipe their memories and hire them out to people" I stopped as tear stung my eyes.
"You are telling me I went AWOL for a coupla months?"
"Not awol, there is more, a lot of more."
"Well ya better start talking Twinkie cause until ya do no calling Willow and no Scooby meeting."
"Okay but do you think maybe you could…clothes" I point out her nakedness.
"Yeah." She grins "Won't have much talking being done with me like this."
"No" I give a half hearted smile as she goes over to my dresser to pull out some clean clothes.
"Are you shitting me B?" Faith says pacing behind my couch.
"No" I move so I am kneeling on the couch but facing her.
"It is so far fetched."
"Really? After all the things we have seen and done. Is it that far fetched?"
"Why would Angel…I thought he and I were tight."
"None of us had any idea he felt that way. He left because we couldn't be together all those years ago and then when he came during the battle with the First I told him I wasn't ready."
"And then he finds out about us."
"It wasn't like you and I happened right away Fai. There has been nearly 3 years between that conversation and me falling in love with you."
"Yeah but in that little chat of yours did you elude to he and you getting jiggy with it again?"
"All I remember is saying I was cookies and I wasn't done baking and I knew I wasn't ready to be eaten."
She stops pacing and quirks her eyebrow.
"In a metaphorical sense."
"Yeah but to a guy they would have heard she wants me to eat her…metaphorically."
"You are so totally thinking about eating me right now."
"Cause I think like a guy!" She grins at me, a grin that promises no good!
"I need to talk to Willow" I start changing the subject before we end up naked on the couch "When I first woke up this morning I was in a different apartment about to head off to a meeting but in the time it took you to start necking me I was catapulted 4 months back in to the past without even noticing it."
"It happened to both of us."
I flop back on to the couch, frustrated beyond belief.
Standing in the elevator as we make our way to the floor that I hope holds all the answers to the last 24 hours or the last 4 months.
"When this is all sorted remind me to ask Angel to change this fucking elevator music would you" Faith muses.
"You still going to be talking to him?"
"He hasn't done anything apart from his job B."
I start to get upset and begin my protest but she pulls me in to a hug.
"He bugs the elevators." She whispers softly so I only I can hear her.
"Keeping it all about last night."
I put my arms around her and rest my head on her shoulder "I missed you" I whisper softly trying to hold back tears.
"I'm right here."
I pull back and look at her as the tears silently fall.
"Princess." She softly smiles and wipes the tears from my face.
Suddenly a thought occurs to me and I pull myself out of her embrace.
"What?" She frowns.
"Weren't you pissed last night when you saw me with Angel?"
She sighs "At first yeah…he looked like he was all up in your business but then Red came along and talked me out of the bottle of Jack and self pity rant and I headed back to yours to see how you were and to apologize for the freak out."
"Willow found you?"
The light bulb goes off in her head as well and leans back in to me to whisper.
"She wasn't around last time was she?"
I shake my head in response putting my arms back around her. She kisses the top of my head.
"It's gonna be okay B."
...continued in part 11...