Lie By My Side
by Snoe
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimers: I don't own anything!
Author's Notes: This was written based on Jen'fr's sad fic challenge.
Although I did abide by the rules of the challenge, this is
probably not what any of you had in mind. I'm sorry ahead of time, but when I
was discussing Buffy's death with someone this popped into my mind, something
originating from Edgar Allen Poe's poem "Annabel Lee". The song is "Don't let
the sun go down on me" by Elton John, of course. And again, I'm just gonna say
sorry now, cause I'm sure I'll be disappointing some of you out there.
I drop my heavy duffel bag on the bed in my room and then let myself fall into the chair with a heavy sigh. I'm so glad to finally be back, not that the operation wasn't for the benefit of humanity and all, but…Well let's just say there's no place like home.
The light on my answering machine is blinking rapidly and I lean forward, pushing the 'Play' button. There's a message from some buddies, someone I haven't talked to in a while. It should be interesting to talk to them, if I ever did call back. Then some advertisement and a definite wrong number…unless they had my name changed to Myra overnight. I'm just about to go take a shower and forget about the rest of the messages when a very familiar voice starts on the tape.
"Uh…Riley…hi, this is Willow. I…hope this is your place…I wasn't sure about the…the number, but…"
The long pause makes me think that maybe she got cut off and I slowly walk over to the answering machine. Why would Willow call me? But then she actually continues…
"Riley…something happened. I uh….it's Buffy. I think you might want to come here right away."
I freeze at the tone in her voice. Willow has never once in all the time I've known her sounded so distant…so cold. I only briefly wonder what's going on before I'm throwing clean clothes in another duffel bag, shower and home sweet home forgotten. I'm trying to run on military mode, not letting any feelings get to me, but this is Buffy! If something happened to her it's all my fault. If I hadn't left I could've saved her.
As I leave my room, hurrying to the chopper that I hope will take me to Sunnydale I can't help but notice that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me that something is very wrong.
I can't believe he said that. What right does he have to tell me what I'm ready for and what not? He's dead for god's sake, he shouldn't get to tell me one goddamn thing. Okay…breathe, maybe. Sounds like a good idea. I have to stop and think before getting so worked up over everything, that's what got me into all the trouble in the first place. Not thinking when killing an innocent, not thinking when lying to Giles, especially not thinking when working with the mayor. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is actually attached to the rest of my body.
But I still can't believe Angel had the fucking nerve to tell me that I wasn't ready to go to Sunnydale. I just mentioned that I wanted to go and apologize to them, to Buffy especially. Yeah, I'm still hoping for forgiveness, pathetic huh? And Angel gave me this look, this incredibly sad look that's really hard to distinguish from his broody face, and said: "Faith," sigh, "I don't think you are ready for what would be awaiting you in Sunnydale. I think you should wait some time."
I just wonder when HE thinks I'm ready, it's like he's my father or something. Telling me what I can and can't do. I've been out of prison for almost two weeks, and I had over a year to think about what I did wrong. I've been waiting to apologize to B ever since that night in Angel's place, and I don't care if she beats me to death. She deserves to hear it, they all do.
And what'd Angel think, I was just gonna run up here and chill? I don't think so, I figured he would've known me better. I am sorry for just bailing on him, but this is way more important right now. And I'll be back, right after I settle things with B. And this time I don't mean fighting.
I grab my backpack off the floor and throw some clothes in it that probably should've been washed before I wore them again, but hey…I don't have a lot of time. Angel ALWAYS comes to check up on me after we have our little arguments. He's a good guy, just this time he's wrong. I am ready to face Sunnydale and whatever it brings.
Buffy deserves that apology and I'm gonna give it to her. Right now.
They are looking at me like I am a vampire that just told them he likes to drink blood. Expressionless faces staring back at me. As soon as Giles opened the door and I stepped inside they all gave me this look that made me double check if they weren't vampires. I've seen vampires look more alive and healthier than them. But I already knew something was wrong.
"Where's Buffy?"
There's a sob from the side of the room at my question and I look at Dawn, who's crying now with Tara's arm around her shoulder. What'd I do wrong? Wouldn't anyone ask for Buffy? She's like their leader, she keeps them going and…uh oh.
"What happened? Someone tell me!" My voice shakes and I have to control myself to stop from right out yelling at everybody. They all give me that look that says "Poor Riley, he doesn't know anything."
I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to look at Giles, who at least offers me a frown.
"Riley, I think you might want to sit down for this."
I pull away from him in panic, I don't want this. I want Buffy. Where's Buffy? Giles pushes me into a seat and I realize I'm shaking. I'm shaking like a little girl, for god's sakes!
"What happened?" I ask again, this time my voice is flat and almost emotionless. Please don't let them tell me what I think they might. If there's a god…
"Two weeks ago…we fought Glory…"
"Two weeks ago…we fought Glory," Willow starts and leans forward, pushing some wild strands of hair away from her eyes.
I watch them from the window outside Giles' apartment. Happy flashbacks, huh? But what was I gonna do? Go and knock and say "Hey I'm back! Miss me?" Well, I was…sort of like that, but then Beefstick showed up. And it seems like he doesn't know what's going on either.
I've never seen the Scoobies look so down. It's like someone killed their leader and…uh oh. I don't even wanna think about thinking that thought.
"…Glory wanted to use Dawn's blood to open a portal, it would've poured all dimensions into each other," the little witch continues and I grip the windowsill tightly. Beefstick seems to still believe all's well on earth, as if Buffy was gonna waltz in the door any second and kiss his stupid ass. At least I'm realistic, right? Doesn't mean I'm not kind of in a state of denial here. And who the hell is Dawn? What'd I miss? Though it seems Beefstick knows and he puts a comforting hand on that little girl's shoulder. Whoever she is…if it's her fault…
"Buffy beat Glory but uh…was too late. Dawn's blood had already opened the portal, so she…Buffy gave her life to close it. She's dead, Riley. I'm so sorry…" Willow trails off and looks away. I'm sure she's crying; it looks like all the Scoobies are tearing up. Well damn but I can't blame them. And Beefstick is sobbing like a baby, who would've thought.
I stop myself and think about what I just heard. Buffy…my Buffy, the only person who ever did anything good for me, she's…dead. I squeeze my eyes shut so tightly it actually pushes the tears out. Crying, great…again. The lump in my throat is threatening to choke me, breathe Faith just breathe. I slowly open my eyes, my fists clenched tightly and I risk another glance through the window. The Scoobies including Riley are comforting each other and I finally realize that I don't belong. And the only person that could've made me belong is dead. And she will never, ever know how sorry I am about everything.
I drop to my knees and let out a cross between a scream and a sob…probably not the smartest thing to do, 'cause I can here someone in there asking what that was. For a second I'm contemplating letting them find me, I just want to see her one last time, but instead I get up and run. They'd never even let me get past 'Hi'.
With the angry tears stinging my eyes I jump up and run…I don't even know where. B and I always had a connection and I just hope it's still there after death, at least so I can find her grave.
"Thanks…Willow, guys," I mumble and roughly brush the tears from my eyes. I'm not supposed to cry, I'm supposed to be strong. But Buffy…why'd you leave me? I still had my hopes that we could get back together, forever.
They give me reassuring smiles as I step out of the apartment into the cold air. I have to at least see her one last time. To feel her presence. I look at the little paper in my hand Giles gave me: The location of the cemetery and lot of Buffy's grave.
Swallowing the lump in my throat I take a deep breath and continue to the cemetery. Just to be with Buffy, one last time.
I gasp for air and look up at the tall, dark trees surrounding me. What am I doing? Oh my god…I am going insane, I can't be doing this. Someone help me please! I kneel on the dirt, my hands are black from the earth I've dug through, my face sweaty and streaked with black. I wipe a sleeve across my face and take deep breaths.
The night air has fallen along with dusk and the cemetery is, of course, completely empty. There seems to be no vampires, but right now I wouldn't care. Not one single bit.
I stare down at the ground, then look up at the gravestone. Buffy Anne Summers. Looking down again I screw my eyes shut tightly and let out a couple of sobs. She's not dead, she's not dead. But as I open my eyes I stare right at the pale, fallen skin of the most beautiful girl in the world.
"Buffy!" I exclaim and my dirty hands grip tightly around her soft arms, pulling her closer to me. Somewhere along the way I must've dropped my sanity…or something.
She's not answering, what's wrong with her? The white gown she's wearing is ripped and dirty and hey…I might as well take it all off. She doesn't deserve ripped clothes.
"Buffy?" I whisper softly into her ear and stroke her cheek, leaving dirt marks on her perfect skin. My face is so close to hers, her beautiful lips. No, I can't…I…her lips are cold, but soft, the taste of summer lingers in her mouth and I pull her underneath of me. She's cold, I'll warm her. She's moaning, I swear she is, my hands wandering down her body. So soft, darling. But so cold. Anything to keep you warm Buffy.
Her skin still feels soft against mine, although she's cold. Buffy never liked to be on top, never, not now either. She wants me, still. Don't you baby? I hiss at the pleasure she brings to my body, her perfect little creases and curves. They fit me so perfectly. I whisper sweet words in her ear, she always liked that. She feels so cold enveloping me, but I don't care, I don't care. She still feels so good, makes me so hot.
Oh Buffy, I love you. But she doesn't answer. Why doesn't she answer? What'd I do wrong?
|| I can't light no more of your darkness/ All my pictures seem to fade to black and white / I'm growing tired and time stands still before me/ Frozen here on the ladder of my life ||
It figures that with my luck I'd have to search through 11 cemeteries before I finally find her grave at the last one. At least I hope it's here. The tears stopped, sort of like 5 graveyards ago. Now I'm just empty, hollow, like a shell that's fallen to the ground waiting for someone to step on it. God B, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to come back and we'd make up and then…I could've said all the things I never did before.
Oh great, open the floodgates again. Why, why, why. Why did this have to happen? Why Buffy? She was a good guy, they don't die. The bad guys die, like me.
I stop and turn my head to the side. Either some stupid teenagers are getting each other off in the middle of a fucking graveyard or something else is going on. Bending down I pick up a shard from the heap of broken glass on the ground, that looks like a smashed beer bottle. Since I don't have a stake and all, this is all I can come up with. I know, I'm pretty stupid for going to Sunnyhell without a stake.
Making way up the gravel path quietly I stop as I see a figure moving on the ground. I can't really tell, but looks like someone's underneath of him. So I was right…teenagers. I'm just about to yell at them to leave, when I look past them and see the gravestone on top of a very…what the fuck?…open grave. Buffy Anne Summers 1981 – 2001 Beloved Friend and Sister She saved the world a lot. I take a step closer…you gotta be fucking kidding me 'She saved the world…A lot'?? Who the fuck came up with that? Probably Xander.
I swallow the tears that are threatening to come up as I'm reminded that, no matter how stupid the gravestone is, it's still Buffy lying down there buried…Or not! Holy shit, what the fuck is going on?! As I get closer I can see Beefstick, yeah it's definitely him…GI Joe fatigue and all and he's moving on top of…Buffy. What the hell is going on? He's…Beefstick is…Iowa-boy is…oh my god. He's fucking a corpse. No, not just any corpse. Buffy…I resist the urge to turn around and hurl, and instead an anger I've barely ever felt before in my life rises up inside of me. How dare he desecrate her? How dare that bastard?
I grip the shard of glass tightly, I'm sure I must be dripping blood by now, and advance towards him when suddenly…he lets out this huge sob. At least I think that's what it is. Then he turns his head and looks at me…just looks at me with so much pain I thought I was looking in a mirror. Well, sorta. And all the words just leave me like that, making me swallow again.
"You! You killed her!" He groans and slides off of the body towards his clothes. I raise an eyebrow and shake my head.
"Cheer up, Charlie. You know I didn't do it," I say with a hint of indifference. Why am I making conversation with a psychopath?
"Aaaargh!" he moans/groans/yells or whatever and comes running at me, naked and all. I quickly dodge him and he comes at me again. The boy's lost it, definitely. If not already demonstrated by his necrophiliac exercises.
"Listen, soldier-boy, get the fuck out of here before I kick your sorry ass all the way back to potato-land!"
He seems to reconsider and tries to punch me, but I block his fist and throw him backwards. He doesn't know I'd never hurt another human being again, well unless it was self-defense. Beefstick scrambles to get his clothes and runs into the woods. I really don't feel like going after him.
Turning towards the grave I kneel down next to Buffy's body and close my eyes. What did he do to her? Her body is pale, the full moon glittering off of it in tiny sparkles. She's dead, so very dead. Grabbing the ripped, white cloth that's lying next to her, I cover her body and start sobbing.
|| Too late to save myself from falling/ I took a chance and changed your way of life/ But you misread my meaning when I met you/ Closed the door and left me blinded by the light ||
"God, B," I half-mumble, half-sob, "I never meant for this to happen. You weren't supposed to die! I've been waiting for over a year for your forgiveness, to finally be able to apologize. Man that night, when Allan died, I was scared of what had become of me, and I never wanted you to be like me. Just wanted you to find the fun a little. But you and your Scoobies, you all thought I was evil, I was never let in. But god Buffy, how could I ever stay away from you? We're two halves of a whole, darkness and light. I need you Buffy, how am I gonna live without you?"
|| Don't let the sun go down on me/ Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see/ I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free/ But losing everything is like the sun going down on me ||
I watch the tears drop onto her skin and I wish this were a movie. In movies tears always resuscitate people. I fall onto my ass, crying like a baby, my hands covering my face. I have never in my whole life felt so alone and empty. Without Buffy there's nothing keeping me going. I don't want to die, I never did. All I wanted was…is Buffy. The only person that ever kept me going, and now she's gone. My everything.
"Buffy I…I need you. Ever since I saw you that night at the Bronze I knew we were supposed to be together. Why couldn't I have told you sooner? Maybe you'd still be alive…"
Nothing like confessing your love…to a corpse. Seems like the story of my life.
|| I can't find, oh the right romantic line/ But see me once and see the way I feel/ Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm/ But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal ||
She'll never how sorry I am, how much I love her.
"B, I'm so sorry, for everything I did. I never meant to hurt you, but after a while it seemed like that was all you wanted and expected from me. I thought you could see my love but you never, ever acknowledged me."
But she doesn't answer, she's not forgiving me. I turn my head and my eyes are temporarily blinded by the moonlight reflecting off the glass shard I had dropped on the grass. There's just a few drops of blood on it. The cuts are probably already healed. Slayer healing and all. I just wish that worked on the inside, too, but it doesn't. Buffy was supposed to be my slayer healing for the inside. But she's gone.
"Angel told me once that there'd be a time for me to apologize and a time for you to forgive me. A time for us to be together, he said that. He said you, the way you are, you could help heal all my wounds, once we both were ready. I thought I was ready, but seems like I've missed my time. Why…?"
It's not fair, not fair. I need Buffy. I can't be without her. These cuts inside of me, I can't deal with them on my own. I stare at the shard of glass, it's sharp edges and close my eyes again. This is stupid, I shouldn't be doing this.
But the edge is so smooth as it slides across my wrists, there's no pain, no pain strong enough to erase the one I'm already feeling. I shouldn't do this, shouldn't.
Dropping the glass I gasp as the blood pours down my arms, some of it soaking through my pants and some of it streaming onto Buffy's body. I didn't wanna desecrate her, I'm so sorry.
Tears slip from my eyes quietly as I lie down next to her. She's cold, but I won't be warm for so much longer. I can finally lie next to her, be with her, see her again and ask for her forgiveness. It has to be this way.
"Buffy, I love you," I whisper, moving closer against her body.
And I could almost swear I heard an answer, almost. But maybe I was just dreaming, hoping maybe.
One last tear escapes my eye as I shut my eyes, meeting Buffy for the final and last time.