Going Home
by Suki
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: M.E. owns all the rights and characters of Buffy and Angel.
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Streets of Boston

As I walk I think about the fact that I can actually do that walk where I want.

In prison you had to stay on the line follow it everywhere. I have to learn to look up from now on I keep putting my head down and looking for the yellow line, stupid.

Parole stupid ass, sure send me back home to Mass. Christ it's cold. It's weird being back people are actually talking without an accent. I pass an open market and there is this fat old Italian guy he beat the shit outta me with a broom handle for stealin', bastard. I took a bigger hit when I got home the old man he beat the piss outta me too. Fuck it they can all kiss my ass. I keep walking I almost wish my body could give out sometimes but no luck. I wish when I screwed up they could have stripped me of all the slayer shit but no luck there either.

I keep lookin' over my shoulder to see someone from the council. I expected them to kill me when I was in prison but again no luck. The last time I saw Angel he told me about B dying and Willow bringing her back, she can kiss my ass too. I went to that shit hole for her, if that's what she wanted then I would give it to her. I messed up so bad I felt so bad that I figured I'd be safe there, safe from B, safe from the council. She never came to see me but then again I never really expected her too. I shut up did my time and fought only when no one was looking or I had to I knew I could hurt someone real bad I'm not stupid.

Finally a nice clean shelter right the place smells of piss and cheap booze. I walked to the front desk and ask for a bed. This chick looks so tired and I don't think she really cares she hands me a blanket and a Red Cross bag and says to follow her. The beds are lined up in long rows I tossed down my stuff and look around what's happened to me? This old lady tugs on my sleeve.

"Don't leave that here they'll steal it." She stares at my backpack.

"Umm thanks." I push my pack to where my pillow is and lay down and rest my head on it, no one can steal it now. I hope I never wake up.

When I do wake up it's to this huge racket. I look around and see these couple of kids playin', they are chasing each other around the beds and banging on the metal frames.

This one little girl falls right by my bed she looks up at me and I can see the tears in her eyes, I really don't want to say anything to her but she keeps lookin' at me. I sit up. She stands and looks at her hands the heels are kind of scraped up she pushes her palms down her dirty jacket as well as the tears and runs off after the bigger kids.

Fuck, what's happened to me?

I lay back down and threw my arm over my eyes. I can't get the image of her out of my head her face is dirty her clothes are shitty her shoes are too small.

I roll over to watch her and the other kids they are pushing each other back and forth but this kid she's not taking crap from anyone, they push her and take her toy. She just stands there her little fists balled up, but she won't cry. I go to roll over again and notice that my pillow is wet I'm crying fuck she's me I see it all she's gonna grow up and have a shitty life. I hear them, she's yelling at the kid, grabbing her by the arm jerking her around. I put my hands over my ears, but I can still hear her. "Shut up and get over here do you want them to kick us out? Do you want to be back out there in the street? You're so stupid get over here and shut up."

I stand; I want so bad to hit her to make her feel bad. I think I'm losing it.

I sit on the bed and feel my head swirl around with all the thoughts all the memories I got to stop them.

I grab my bag and check it at the front desk and they give me a ticket.

"Where's the phone?"

She points to the wall.

I dial, I'm not even sure if it's the right number. I hear it ringing.

"Hello?"

"B?"

"Who did you want to speak to?"

"B, is B there?"

"I'm sorry you have the wrong number." Click dial tone.

I rest my head against the wall; the sweat is pouring off me.

I drop another handful of change in.

It rings.

"Hello?"

I don't say anything, I'm trying so hard to listen to the voice to see if it's her?

"Hello, is anyone there?"

"B?"

"Who is this?" The voice on the other ends sounds pissed.

"B, it's me." I feel like I'm coming a part. I can't breath.

"Is this some kind of joke?" I can feel her she wants to hang up. I can see her in her kitchen pacing back and forth.

"B, I can't…..I'm so scared, I'm in this place and this kid is me…"

"Faith is that really you?" She still sounds pissed.

"Buffy, I'm in trouble, I'm lost." I can feel myself slipping from the phone from reality.

"Faith!" her voice sounds far off.

"I'm sorry, sorry for all of it." The kid is standing next to me she's looking at me her eyes are tearing me apart. "Go back to your mother before she hits you again." I shove the kid back the main room.

"Who's there with you? What's going on?"

"I'm in a shelter in Boston, it's rotten it stinks and I'm, sorry okay." That's all I remember really I hit my head when I fell I guess, plus no food and all.

*****

As I look out over the Charles river I can see boats and people scurrying around and I think of all the lost people out there. I hope they have some place to go someone to go home to.

"Shouldn't you be in bed resting?"

I spin around and there she is. It's her, it's Buffy. I'm holding on to the IV stand by the window my hair is filthy this gown makes me look like shit. I can't look at her so I look down at my feet.

"Well I spent my whole pay check flying here, two days walking from shelter to shelter until I find the one where some girl has collapsed. They refuse to give any information because I'm not family. So I go to the police and tell them what I know about you, which isn't much other than you tried to kill…."

She puts her hand up as if to stop herself, she folds her arms across her chest and just breathes.

"So they send me to family services, which in turn takes pity on me and calls LA county correction offices to find where and when you were released." She stops when a nurse walks in.

"Meds time come on let's go. Please get back in bed or you'll just get worse." The nurse pulls back the bed covers and I get in.

"Now you need to take this." She holds out a little paper cup with my pills.

I see a hand go out and stop her.

"What is that?" Buffy has her by the wrist.

"Excuse me miss but as far as I know this patient is over 18…are you family?"

Buffy looks from me to her then settles her eyes on me.

"She's my responsibility." She lets go of the nurse's wrist.

"They are supplements and a Valium. She can't seem to sleep at night so we have been giving her something to relax."

"Nothing more?" That's all Buffy says.

"No, excuse me Miss but you'll have to see the Doctor about this I am just following orders."

"Good I'll see the doctor." Again that's all she says.

I look at Buffy and then the nurse, B nods that it's okay to take the pills from the little cup, I swallow them like a good girl. The nurse leaves but tells Buffy quickly "I'll tell the doctor you want to see him."

"Good" she walks to the side of my bed and sits in the chair. "So back to my story."

I turn on my side to face her as she sits and talks.

"They faxed your file over and it said you asked to be paroled here, they gave me your old address." She stops again and just looks at me, I blink a couple of times but I just continue to listen to her.

"I went to your old building, your old neighborhood, I asked around but no one had seen you."

She takes a couple of big breaths then continues.

"I went back to your old building again and talked to your neighbor, Mrs. Ravelo, she remembered you, but she hadn't seen you."

She's looking at me like she wants me to say something to her all I can do is look at her.

"She asked if you made it Faith?"

She looks at me puzzled cuz I don't answer her.

"I asked her what she meant by that, and she told me a little about the small apartment upstairs. Why didn't you tell me Faith?"

My eyes are so heavy. I just want to look at her but I'm so tired so very tired. I see her stand up and she reaches out to me, I flinch just a little. She stops just for a second then brushes the hair off my face.

"Sleep I'll be back tomorrow."

*****

I'm leaning on the windowsill again watching the boats. They took the IV out but left the thing in, it hurts kinda.

"So back at the same spot?"

She came back wow I'm impressed or she's just waiting for me to get better so she can kill me. I must be feeling better if I'm being a smart-ass.

"How are you feeling?"

I nod and give a little shrug then turn back to the window.

She drops her coat on the bed then comes to lean by the sill with me.

I try to find my voice but it doesn't seem to want to work.

"Not talking again?" She looks tired. "Can I look at something, I need to see something, can I?" She's reaching for my gown, and I'm a little freaked.

She holds her hands up. "I don't want to hurt you I just want to see if what she said is true, what Mrs. Ravelo said was true, please Faith."

I nod and she separates my gown to look at my lower back. I feel her hand run down the scar. She drops the material and turns around and walks away from me.

"I kind of didn't want to believe her ya know."

I nod and look away. I remember when it happened I ran to Mrs. Ravelo she patched me up.

I find my voice for the first time and it's weird it doesn't sound like me.

"She must have saved my life a half a dozen times." I don't turn around I just say it out loud.

"She said she lost you to the street after they put him in prison."

"Yup true, I had to survive needed to eat and shit."

"I'm sorry Faith." Her head is down, she looks so tired.

"Go home Buffy." I turn to look back out the window.

"What?" Uht oh she's pissed again.

"You look tired."

"Ya well, I am!"

"I loved you Buffy." I get up and move to settle back in my bed.

"I know, I mean I figured it out." She still got her head down.

"Have you been to Boston before?" She looks at me like I have three heads.

"No?"

"What day is it?" I know there is a reason I am asking all of these stupid questions.

"Umm Tuesday the 26th I think." She rubs her hand across her temple.

"She'll be dead 6 years tomorrow."

"Who Faith?"

"My mother." I cry just a little. I really don't have much feeling for her anymore.

"I'm sorry, I know how that is, I miss my mother very much."

"Joyce died?"

"Yes she did."

"Vampire?"

"No, she had a brain aneurysm." I see that Buffy is crying a little.

"I'm sorry B, she was a nice lady."

"Faith what are you going to do now?" I think she's at the end of her rope.

"Why did you come here?" It's weird I just realized she's here in Boston I mean I know she is here but why?

"You called…I um..I don't know." She sits on side of my bed and looks at me. "Faith are you okay, I mean mentally, you're not crazy are you?"

I laugh, ouch it hurts but I want to laugh.

She laughs too but I think it's nerves.

"I think people like me are good or they are bad, ya know what I mean?"

"No I don't?"

"I can either be good or bad Buffy I just have to decide." I shrug my shoulders.

She's looking at me like I am crazy.

"I've been bad, now I need to be good, I don't believe in redemption B sorry I don't have a tortured soul like your ex, I just had a shitty childhood."

"Is it that simple?"

"No, but the other way made me feel worthless more than I did before. I thought that I could have you, well I was wrong so I got pissed. I'm sorry Buffy for all of it, you need to go home and move on I know I have to."

"So that's it your confession, you've unburdened yourself?" Uht oh she's pissed yet again.

"I've already been in jail B, I earned the right to get out, as far as the other stuff I'll slay here do my time till I'm too slow or something and my time is up."

She's pacing now and stops when the doctor comes in.

"Hello my name is Dr. Smith I was told you asked to see me."

"Yes, I'm Buffy Summers" They shake hands then he starts to flip through my chart.

"Well they said you have some questions about her treatment?"

"Yes…." He cuts her off, nice.

"Miss Summers is it? What is your relationship to the patient, records you understand?"

"I um she's, she's my partner." My head goes up so fast I almost hurt myself.

"I'm sorry the nurse didn't say anything about that, my apologies."

He goes into this whole thing about malnutrition and old broken bones and stress and I have no idea what else they said, I can't move. Why did she say that does she want to fuck with me, find out what's wrong so she can feed me to the council.

"Faith?" The doctor's talking to me.

"Ya what?" I came out of a daze.

"You can leave tomorrow I just want you to rest one more night than your partner can take you home."

"Home… my partner?" I look at B and she's standing at the end of my bed with her coat folded across her arms.

"If you have any discomfort or any other problems you can get in touch with a staff member at this number." He hands Buffy a piece of paper.

"Thanks Doctor." She shakes his hand then he leaves, what the hell is going on?

"Well I have to go I have some phone calls to make some arrangements to settle, I'm staying at Mrs. Ravelo's, I'm on the couch." I must look stupid cuz I know my mouth is open.

"Are you sending me back to the council, what the hell is going on I said I was sorry I'll leave you alone…"

"Yes, the council is involved and someone will contact you."

"Fuck!"

"You still have a foul mouth Faith." She's putting on her coat.

"Where are you going?"

She walks over to the bed and is pulling gloves out of the pockets of her coat.

"I need to call the council and make arrangements to have you moved, and have your parole changed to Sunnydale, I need to have the gas and electric turned back on in your apartment, I'll be very busy."

I can't speak; I just sit there.

"We tried it your way last time, it didn't work."

"I don't understand?"

"I go there sometimes ya know to your apartment and I sit there and think, I cleaned up some. I didn't have the money to fix the window but I did board it up."

"I still have the place?" It's all I can find to say.

"Yes and that's where you'll live so I can keep an eye on you, the council can send you a watcher or something and find you a job. Here is Mrs. Ravelo's number call if you need anything I'll be back in a few hours, any questions?"

"Are you for real?"

She tilts my chin up so I look at her.

"Very real, this time we go by my rules okay we take it one step at a time. You got a problem you come to me, you get scared you come to me, you feel insecure you come to me."

"I think I'm still in love with you?" She sits down on the bed again.

"I know Faith, I want so much for you to get on your feet and figure out what's up with your life." She takes my hand in hers. "Faith all the stuff that happened to you was bad very bad, you need to find out what Faith is about, then when you do come and get me cuz I'll be waiting for you."

I close my eyes and hold my breath and count to 10.

"Faith open your eyes." She's shaking my hands.

Slowly I open them and she's till there. "You are real." I touch her cheek.

"I'll be back in a few hours get some rest." She just touches her lips to mine and smiles at me. "Bye, see you in a few" She waves and walks out the door.

I get out of bed and go to the window and lean on the sill. It's dusk and the lights of the city are starting to turn on, I watch the boats and the people scurry around. I hope they have somewhere to go. I hope they have someone to go home to.

I smile cuz I think I do.

...continued in Restoration and Regret...