One More Time: Breakable
by Sulks
Rating: PG-13

Author's Notes: I'm mean.

"So Giles and Red hooked up, huh?" Faith repeated. "I guess that makes sense."

"Yeah, the kind of sense that makes none," Buffy screeched. "Giles is like, old--"

"Giles is hot," Faith interrupted. "Fully, really hot, I would do--"

Buffy shot her girlfriend a scathing dirty look. Faith had been back for a couple of months, and things had been strange at first, but things were finally settling down again, enough so that they were no longer stepping on eggshells around each other. Buffy had spoken to Willow on the phone the night before, and the redheaded Wiccan admitted that she and Giles were dating. Buffy was still shocked over it.

"I would *have*," Faith amended quickly, ready to take cover if Buffy were to throw her temper at her. "I would have done him, past tense-- past tense in the sense of B.B. you know, Before Buffy, and before I became BB, you know, Buffy's Bitch," Faith rambled.

Buffy laughed, charmed. "Okay," she allowed, "he is kind of handsome and Mom did say he made love like a stevedore."

Faith choked on her Coke. "Wow, B." She croaked out.

Buffy looked at her. "What's a stevedore?"

Faith laughed. "You don't know? You never looked it up or anything?"

"I was afraid to," Buffy pouted prettily, "I didn't really want to go through all that and find out it's something gross, but if someone were to just *tell* me, I could take that." Buffy grinned.

Faith snorted. "You're so lazy, I can't believe you're the one with the high school diploma."

"We're going to have to talk again about you getting your GED."

"Whatever."

"What I don't get," Buffy said. switching back to the original topic, "is Willow, what happened to girly love?" Buffy's eyebrows furrowed.

Faith shrugged. "Red loved Oz before she loved Tara. Now she digs Giles, what's the big?"

Buffy shrugged as well, "no big deal, really, I just wish she wouldn't keep switching and confusing me. She should be like me! Find a flavour and stick with it."

"What if you get tired of that flavour?" Faith asked, half-seriously.

"You know how I could eat CocoPuffs for breakfast every morning if it weren't for the seriously high fat content?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well I could eat y--"

"Don't say it!" Faith clamped her hand over Buffy's mouth.

Buffy looked at her curiously, Faith had always liked it when Buffy talked dirty. In fact, Faith talked dirtier than anyone else Buffy knew.

Faith looked suddenly sick, her hand rested over her stomach. Her shoulders slumped and she set her face on the table. "Fuck," she muttered.

"Faith?" Buffy asked, slightly panicked. "What's wrong, baby, do you feel sick?"

"No...It was just...Chris and I, we were trying to be more careful about the way we spoke cos of the baby," she muttered, "it was just kind of a leftover thing from that, I guess. Sorry."

"Oh, Faith." Buffy murmured, sighing sadly.

"That didn't mean I really cleaned up my dirty fucking mouth though," Faith said weakly, trying to lighten the mood.

"You would have been a great mom." Buffy said sincerely, stroking her girlfriend's hair.

"Thanks, B. I should go though, gotta go to work." Faith was working at Sheila's Bookstore again.

"I'll walk you," Buffy said.

"You don't have to do that," Faith said protesting gently. Buffy had been walking Faith to work every day, and walked back with her every night. Buffy was still paranoid about losing Faith again, and the blonde could be a little stifling at times. Still, for the most part, Faith didn't mind.

"I want to," Buffy said, reaching for Faith's hand. "Let's go."

They walked in companionable silence. They walked inside the store, and saw Sheila flipping through a book.

"Hey Sheila," Buffy and Faith chirped.

Sheila glanced at both of them, startled. Upon closer inspection, Buffy could see that Sheila had been looking through a photo album.

"Hi girls," Sheila greeted pleasantly. "What are you doing here?

Faith wrinkled her eyebrow. "Uh, I work here...right?"

Sheila laughed, "yes, you do. But I left a message with Dawn saying you didn't have to come in."

Faith and Buffy glanced at each other. "I'm going to have to remind her about passing on phone messages," Buffy griped.

Sheila smiled, and chucked Faith under her chin. "Did I ever tell you that you look exactly like my youngest daughter did when she was around your age?"

"No, you didn't," Faith said, but suddenly recalling how Sheila's eyes had widened when she first walked into the store. So that explained that.

"Do you have a picture of her?" Buffy asked curiously. "Your daughter, I mean."

"Yes, I do," Sheila said, she flipped through her photo album, and stopped at a family photograph.

"Big family," Buffy commented.

"Five children," Sheila said proudly, patting her slim hips.

"Wow," Buffy said softly, "Faith, she looks so much like you." Buffy handed the album to Faith. Faith took it and looked at it and raised her eyebrows but did not comment on the striking resemblance. "Sheila, you so do not look like someone who could have had five children."

Sheila laughed. "The first one was murder, my daughter Cassie was the youngest."

"What happened to her?" Buffy asked.

Sheila sighed. "We had an argument when she was eighteen, and she left home. I never saw her again."

"Sheila, I'm sorry," Buffy said sympathetically patting the older woman's hand.

Sheila dabbed at her eyes, "well, why don't you two get going. I know you have better things to do than entertain an old woman. Come back tomorrow morning, Faith."

"Okay," Faith said simply.

Buffy and Faith left the store. "You were so quiet in there," Buffy commented.

"Didn't have much to say."

"It was so weird how much you looked like Sheila's daughter, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was," Faith said softly. "I think Sheila wants to believe that her girl was my mother or something, but it's not possible. My mother only had one other brother, and I met him. He would have mentioned if they had more siblings, he was just like that."

"But maybe you're related to her some other way, the resemblance was way too striking-"

Faith shook her head, "Sheila's family's from England and my mom and dad both lived on the East Coast all their lives."

"You never talk much about them," Buffy commented.

"Not much to tell, they were all right parents. Not great, they had a lot of problems. I knew they loved me, it's just they should never have been parents in the first place, you know? At least, I know my mom loved me. Not sure about my father though. They weren't going to win Parents of the Year Awards, and eventual Children's Services took me away." Faith grabbed a menu from the Chinese restaurant, they were passing, "let's get some food, " she said, "do you want to get a shrimp dish, a beef dish and a vegetable dish?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, leave it to Faith to intersperse serious talks with questions about Chinese food. "That sounds good to me," she said. She grabbed Faith's hand and the two of them walked outside while they were waiting for their food to be prepared.

"I miss cigarettes," Faith said randomly.

"What?"

"I miss cigarettes. I smoked a lot while I was in prison. Didn't smoke much while I was in Pittsburgh, because I didn't want to smoke around Carrie, and then later, I had the baby to worry about...I miss it. I miss smoking."

"Do you want to go buy a pack?" Buffy asked wrinkling her nose in distaste at the thought. "Liquor store right across the street."

Faith shrugged, "I know you hate it, 'it's like kissing an ashtray,'" Faith mimicked the blonde who often repeated the oft-used and very cliched saying.

"I never did," Buffy admitted, "I'd never mind anything you did. It wasn't bad with you, although I bet it would have been with anyone else."

Faith laughed, pleased by the revelation. "Nah, I'll just miss it, I guess." She got up to get the food order which the owner of the restaurant announced was ready. They started the walk back to the house.

"My mom used to call me her little firecracker," Faith said nostalgically, thinking back to the Mayor. She remembered telling him about it. Deep down, as much as she regretted hurting Buffy so many years before, she doesn't regret forming a bond with the Mayor, though she knows she should. There'd never been anyone in her life before the Mayor that had loved her as completely and unequivocally as he had. He forgave her when she made mistakes, and he was completely supportive. Sure, he was completely fucking evil, but years later, when she was finally trying to do right by her life, his lessons came in handy. She was more confident in herself, and a lot of that came from him reaffirming her ego. Still, she can't drink milk straight, it just twisted her stomach too much.

They passed by Faith's old apartment, the one the Mayor had given her. "He put in the order to have that fixed," Faith said softly, pointing to the window, "almost right after I...well, you know. Coma. Order didn't clear until a few days later, of course."

"I didn't know that...I noticed it...but...how did you know that?"

"There was a letter for me, along with a video message...it doesn't matter," Faith said shaking her head, the bile rising as she remembered how filled with hatred she had been when she awoke from her coma. Her dreams had been haunted by Buffy, the blonde ruining her dreams of a family life. Not to mention the fact that what she'd done to Buffy still made her stomach feel sick.

"I've been wanting to tell you something for a while, B." Faith said softly. "Remember last year, I'd take off for a while...you know...that kind of thing."

"Yes," Buffy said cautiously, afraid to tread into unsafe territory.

"I was going to my old apartment," Faith confessed. "The Mayor bought it for me, and it's mine. I dunno. I just hang out there sometimes..."

"Why would you want to do that?" Buffy asked, somewhat confused.

Faith shrugged. "To you he was evil, to me he was my father--"

"So that was it," Buffy said softly, the realisation hitting her. She felt so daft. Of course, it'd been in her face the whole time. All these years she'd been racking her brain trying to figure out exactly why Faith did what she did, how she had been so easily led astray by the Mayor. And Buffy finally realised that while Faith may have made her own decisions, the Mayor had compounded the situation by manipulating her with the promise of a father figure, of a family. It made sense to her why Faith would tolerate Davis, the father of the little baby that Faith had played Peek-a-Boo with in the park, or why she had been so willing to believe Christian Rowe, why Faith had been so obviously devastated at losing Carrie and her own child. It was so simple, really, Faith always just wanted a family.

Faith shrugged. "I miss him, B. I know he was evil, but I can't help it. I loved him, and it's not that I want him to have won, because that would have been wicked bad, but sometimes I just fucking hate myself for betraying him. He loved me, he trusted me and I *betrayed* him, and I just wish I wouldn't *do* that. You know? I mean, you guys probably would have won even if I hadn't helped you, I mean what the hell is wrong with me that I just go around fucking *everyone* over."

"But Faith, you did the RIGHT thing--"

"It's not the principle that matters right now, B. It's the action--"

"Faith--"

"We're here," Faith said gruffly. They entered into the kitchen and set the food down on the counter. Dawn sauntered in and immediately grabbed plates and passed them around.

"What's going on?" Dawn asked, glancing at their somber faces.

"Nothing," Buffy said.

Faith just grunted.

The conversation died, but it continued to bother Buffy and she vowed to resume the conversation again. In the interim, Buffy had called Angel and given him Sheila's name, hoping to track down her daughter, and discovered Cassie Doane became Cassie Morrow who gave birth to Lynne Morrow who gave birth to Caroline "Carrie" Rowe. Angel had recited the list of names over the phone exactly in that fashion, and Buffy had felt herself nodding off, suddenly reminded of going to Bible study classes as a child, and remembering the teacher reading off some of the more boring chapters of Genesis regarding who beget whom. She remembered the initial shock she felt when she realised that the child Faith thought was her daughter was Sheila's great-grand daughter. But the Watcher woman really had born a striking resemblance to Faith. It was just a series of coincidences really, Sheila came from a family of Watchers, although she'd never been one herself, and she just happened to relocate to Sunnydale, where she bore her children. Her daughter ran off to England, and became a Watcher like both her grandparents before her, and gave birth to Carrie's mother. The discovery had made Faith smile, despite the fact that she tried to live her life as Watcher-free as possible, and she observed the reunion from a distance, not wanting to confuse Carrie.

Things were happy for a while, but eventually Buffy took up the discussion they had regarding the Mayor. Two weeks had passed before Faith had finally been willing to re-discuss it.

"I just don't see why you should feel bad about helping us, Faith. You did the *right* thing."

"It's not as if I *regret* helping, I just feel *bad*, and not bad that I did. It's not like that. I just feel bad I hurt him."

"He was *evil*."

"It's not that simple," Faith cried. She flopped onto her bed and pressed her hands over her eyes. "This town, B. It's fucking killing me. I love you, I love Dawn, and most of the time, I don't think about it. But it's fucking killing me, and I don't mean in a Slayer sort of way. I mean, it's fucking closing in on me. It's like I can't *breathe* here, B. More and more, the walls are closing in on me, and the only thing keeping me sane is *you.* Everything is so black and white here! I don't fit!"

"What are you saying?" Buffy asked slowly.

"I need to get out of here," Faith whispered. "I need to go."

"You only just got back!"

"I know, and I'm *sorry*" Faith said lowly. "I just...it's like this place is choking me. I *have* to get out of here."

"What does that mean for *us*? We break up again? How can you--I can't *take* losing you again."

"I don't want us to break up either," Faith tried to reassure. "I'll move somewhere close. LA's only two hours away. I'll come every weekend--"

"It's not the same," Buffy muttered. "What am I going to do without you? How am I supposed to go to sleep or wake up and know that you're not going to be next to me? Or in the bathroom or downstairs? What am I going to do without our Saturday morning breakfasts or Sunday afternoon movies with Dawn? What am I going to do knowing I can't see you whenever I want to? Or to know that you're safe every night? I can't take not knowing that you're safe every night. When you were gone, that's what killed me the most. I knew you were alive, but that didn't mean you were *safe* or that you weren't hurt...every night I wanted to just fucking die because I couldn't handle not knowing you were okay."

Faith felt as if she'd been smacked. She didn't know that..."I'd call every night--"

"It's not about...I don't know how to explain it. I just have to see you, to be able to *touch* you. Knowing you're safe at night, *that's* what makes me the happiest."

"One of these days, it's just going to happen that I wind up dead, B," Faith said softly. "That's just the way it is. Whether I'm in LA or here, it's not going to change the fact that I'm gonna wind up dead relatively soon--"

Buffy released a loud sob. "God, you're still so cavalier about that," she griped. "Like it's no big deal--"

"B, it's *not*--"

"How can you say that?" Buffy demanded. "Do you not KNOW how it would kill me if something happened to you? Do you really think I could take anything *more* happening to you?"

"It's what I was meant to do, B."

"*We're* Faith. We're in this together!"

"The line of succession is through me now," Faith said softly. "I carry it, which is why no Slayer showed up when you died. Do you really think that the Council is going to let me live until I'm 70 when I won't be able to do my duties? No way. You know it as well as I do. I have to die for the next Slayer to be called, so no matter what, I know I'm not going to have that retire-to-Florida life."

"God," Buffy whispered, seeing the argument. Her face hardened. "I'd kill every last one of them before they touched you."

Faith laughed sadly. "Thank you, I appreciate that. But if there's one thing that I've learned from you and Angel, it's that...all this...it goes beyond me and you. There's a mission, a purpose, B, and I don't mind dyin' for it. It's what I was built to do."

"I can't handle this..."

"I'm sorry..."

"I *hate* this," Buffy muttered, wiping away at her eyes angrily. "I hate that you're so cavalier about this. I hate that you're *right* about those fuckers in England. I hate this whole fucking situation..."

"Bottom line is, B. I don't fit in here. Everything's so black and white, and let's face it. I'm barely even grey. LA would suit me better, and I told you, I'd still come back every weekend..."

"I already told you my thoughts on that," Buffy said softly. "I'm sorry, Faith...but...it's just not enough...and I'd rather have nothing at all than not enough." Her tears spilled down her cheeks.

Faith looked as though she'd just been kicked in the stomach. "You don't want to be with me?"

"In my entire life, I've never wanted to be with anyone as much I want to be with you. But I can't handle not having enough of you. I can't handle *losing* you."

Both Slayers were crying profusely. "So this is it?" Faith asked, her voice cracking. "After everything we've been through, you're breaking up with me because I'm *moving*?"

"You know there's more to it than that," Buffy sobbed, reaching out to grab Faith. They held onto one another crying for an indeterminate amount of time, before Faith finally pulled away.

"I'll go," Faith said shakily, wiping at her face.

"Don't," Buffy whispered, pulling Faith close to her again.

Faith gently disengaged herself, smiling sadly. She reached into her closet and pulled out a duffel bag, and threw some clothes in along with various other paraphernalia. It took her 15 minutes to pack, Buffy watched her the entire time, crying and wanting to beg Faith to stop.

Faith kissed Buffy on the forehead. "I'll always love you, you know," her tone of voice breaking Buffy's heart.

"Oh, God..." Buffy cried. "Don't go--" She didn't want to force Faith to stay, she could tell Faith hadn't been entirely happy here, she was antsy and depressed...but she didn't want Faith to leave.

Faith walked into the hallway, and wiped at her eyes. She knocked on Dawn's door.

"Come in," Dawn called cheerfully.

"Dawnie?"

The grin on Dawn's face faded as she saw Faith's face. "What's wrong?" she asked urgently, her voice taking on a hysterical note.

"Dawnie, I'm wicked sorry--"

"What's going on?!"

"Dawnie, I gotta leave again..."

"No! Why?!" Dawn shouted. Her eyes immediately began to fill with tears. "Is it Buffy--"

"No, no it's not like that," Faith said emphatically. "Honey, I tried to make it work here, but I just don't belong--"

"Yes, you do!" Dawn insisted. "This is all her fault, isn't it?"

"It's not, Dawn. I just..." Faith began crying again. "Dawnie, you'll get it when you're older."

"No, I *won't*," Dawn shouted angrily. "I'll never understand why everyone just LEAVES. Mom. Tara. Willow. You. And you've done it more than once!"

Faith winced. "I'm sorry, Dawnie--"

"Why are you leaving?" Dawn asked in a voice tinged with desperation. She reached out to hug Faith. Faith held the younger girl for several minutes, the both of them crying.

"I should go," Faith said, pulling away.

Dawn pulled her back. "No...don't! Stay! Me and Buffy, we can change, we'll do whatever you want--"

"I'm sorry," Faith whispered.

"It's Sunday tomorrow," Dawn said desperately, "we always go to the movies."

Faith cried harder, pulling away from Dawn, who only reached for her again. Buffy walked into the room and gently pulled Dawn away from Faith. Dawn buried her face into Buffy's chest and cried even as tears streamed down the blonde Slayer's face.

"I'm so sorry."

"I know," Buffy acknowledged brokenly. "I know. I don't want to keep you where you don't feel like you belong, I just always thought you belonged with me."

Faith released a wrenching sob, before she wrapped her arms around Buffy and Dawn. "You know my heart belongs to you, B. I love you *both*, but God, I just...I feel choked by this place, can you understand that? Please say you understand--"

"I do understand," Buffy whimpered. "But I hate it anyway."

"I'll go," Faith whispered, wiping at her red-rimmed eyes.

Buffy and Dawn watched as Faith walked down the stairs and out the door, all three bawling.

...continued in One More Time...