How to Get the Good Things
by Sulks
Rating: PG-13
Author's Notes: This is slighty AU, working under a Sliding Doors type thing, which I will EVENTUALLY get to, but it does hold some parts of the canon pretty faithfully. Slight spoilers for season 1 and 5/6 of Buffy contained.
Faith and I have been hanging out a lot lately. I think we've hung out more in the past few weeks than we have in the past four years combined. It just kinda happened. There was this huge increase of demon activity, and when we weren't patrolling, we were training...and pretty soon we were spending most of our free time together. We were both waiting for something big to make its move, and pretty soon, something did happen.
There was some vampire that wanted to pull off an ascension. Naturally, this reminded us all of the Mayor, so things were even more tense than they normally would have been. But we always win, and the vamp was one of those brainless types anyway. One of the minion vamps got Faith in the thigh with a knife which had this stuff on it that made her really sick for a while. Slayer healing was slowed down a lot. I guess that's why she and I started getting closer. Wes wasn't around much, which kind of made me angry. I know that if I were sick, Angel or Riley wouldn't have just left me alone the way Wes left Faith alone. I could kinda tell that Faith minded that, but she didn't seem particularly surprised.
"I'll look for Wesley," I had told her.
"Don't bother," she said flatly, "he doesn't wanna be around right now. And I don't expect him to."
"But he should be here."
"Nah," she said, waving her hand dismissively. "We're not like that."
"Like what? A relationship where your boyfriend is there for you?"
She rolled her eyes. "He is not my boyfriend. Wes just isn't the type of person wants to be around his wilting flower girl--"
I stared at her.
"Orgasm partner," she finished. She'd been hanging around Anya too much. "It makes him uncomfortable. I know he cares that I was hurt, and that's enough. He doesn't have to be here." She'd sounded so blase about it, but I still thought she looked a little hurt. "Besides," she continued, "you're here."
I smiled. "Yeah, you have me."
But now she is better.
We're walking down Turnpike. She's twirling her stake, and breathes in deeply. "It's good to be back in the game," she says.
I turn to smile at her. "How's it feel to be back?" I ask.
"I've been itching to get back into this," she says happily, almost bouncing up and down. She rubs her thigh. "Stupid vamp," she mutters.
"Are you back on solid foods?"
She gives me a dirty look. "It was that ONE time," she hisses, looking mortified.
I laugh at her. It wasn't funny then, but it's been about a week and it's really hard to look at someone as a bad ass when you've seen her eat baby food because she's too sick to keep down solids. That knife's mojo was 'wicked powerful,' as Faith said.
"I'm glad you're better," I tell her honestly. "I was really worried about you."
"Ah," she says, rolling her eyes and kicking a stray can on the ground. "We all knew it was going to be okay."
We all did NOT know she was going to be okay. Giles, Wesley and Dawn were going through all sorts of textbooks and Tara and Willow were conjuring all kinds of spells. It's one of the reasons why I'm not angrier at Wesley for barely seeing her while she was incapacitated and delirious. He was trying really hard to find a cure.
It's also why it's difficult to look at Faith the same way when you've seen her all sweaty and begging for her mother. It just makes me wish all the more that she'd find someone who really loves her. Not that Wesley *doesn't* love her. I think he does in his own way. But the more I get to know Wesley, the more I think he's a guy with a whole mess of issues. And God knows Faith has a mess of her own. The two of them together is just begging for...well, trouble. Still, he does seem to care. He was scared when she was sick. It was obvious even though he was trying to be this big ol' tough guy and he was all scruffy and uncommunicative. He was scared. But I don't think he loves her the way she wants him to love her, and I don't think she loves him the way either. I don't really know for sure, and I'm practically dying to find out. But now's not the time. She just looks happy enough to be patrolling and finally back to health.
"Just the same," I tell her, "I'm glad you're back. It was kinda lonely patrolling all by myself."
"Well, I *am* the strong one," she teases.
"Ha! Who's the one that let herself get stabbed."
"Hey," she protests. "At least I haven't died....twice."
"Okay, it was self-SACRIFICE!"
"What about the first time?"
"That was prophesised! It couldn't be stopped!"
She raises an eyebrow. "Excuses excuses."
We stop, stand and face each other. We both laugh. She abruptly stops.
"What's wro--"
"Shh." She puts a finger to my lips. I feel her finger on my lips. She's glancing over my shoulder, her brows furrowed. "There's some shit goin' down at the Cemetery," she says. Her index finger is still on my lips. "Let's go," she says. She looks at me. "Whoa." She pulls away from me. "Sorry 'bout that."
"It's okay," I tell her, wishing she hadn't. Geez. This just goes to show I need to get with someone. I never would have thought I'd be the type of person who can admit (to herself at least) that she needs to get laid. But, man. It's been a while. Once you lose your virginity...well, no pun intended, but it's a real breakthrough. And you realise what you were missing before you...well, you know. Not that losing MY virgnity was an especially happy experience.
"Let's go," she whispers, winking at me.
We sprint toward the Pellegrino Cemetery. Finally some action.
"Hey, boys," Faith says. "Sorry we didn't RSVP, but we've just been so busy."
Faith and I are getting coffee. It's hard to believe, but she's a toffee nut latte addict. Vente. It's for the sugar, and because who doesn't like toffee? But she had to literally be dragged into Starbucks the first few times since y'know, Faith and "pansy ass frou frou coffee shit" just don't seem to mesh well. We leave Starbucks and she immediately lights up a cigarette. I give her a disapproving look.
"What?" she asks, acting like she's innocent as hell.
"You should quit."
"What universe are you living in?" she laughs. "Please. It's not going to be smoking that kills me. And even if I weren't gonna probably get killed by some lucky vamp or demon, why would I stop smoking? Eventually, something's going to get you."
Geez. THAT was depressing.
"That was....that was...that was *dark*."
"Well, you know they call me the dark slayer," she says making a goofy face at me.
"The dark slayer?" I repeat, and I'm a little incredulous. I poke her bare shoulder. "You're like, five shades paler than I am."
"What?! I am not!" She looks pouty as we pass by a window and looks into it. "It was only cos I spent a fucking week indoors." She pauses, looking like she's deep in thought. "And besides, I think it's like, you know, you're sweetness and light and I'm...well, not. I'm bad and you're not. Etceteras."
"You're not bad," I insist.
She laughs, "sure, I am," she says flippantly. She grabs me, "I vant to suck yer blood!" she says in a bad Hungarian accent. She pulls away, "see I'm baaaad. Bad to the bone."
"Yeah, yeah," I say, shoving her. Joker. She's never serious. Well, rarely.
"Besides, everyone knows I'm the bad ass between us," she says.
"I'll grant you that," I concede. "But you aren't bad," I tell her. "I hope you don't--" I rest my hand on her arm.
"Don't," she says. "Let's not go there." There's this look on her face and her eyes look really sad all of a sudden. See, this is what I hate about us. You take a step forward, and then you, like, leap a football field back. Trying to understand Faith is a Sisyphean task. Sometimes it's so difficult, I just feel like giving up.
"All right," I agree, trying not to show my annoyance. The last thing I need is for her to get pissy at me by accusing me of being pissy towards her. "How are you and Wes?"
"We're five by five," she says immediately.
"You sure?"
Faith turns to look at me.
Shit.
She looks so angry.
"What are you implying, B?"
"I'm just asking, *F*."
"Wes and I are fine," she says, frowning. "It's none of your business anyway."
"Faith, look...I'm just...you know, trying to make small talk. I'm not trying to get all in your face about it...just wanna know if you and Wes are okay..." I'm such a bitch. I keep hassling her about him, even when it's obvious she doesn't want to talk about it.
"Whatever," she says. She's getting more and more irate and lights up her fifth cigarette. Jeez, chain smoker much? "We're five by five?"
"You in love with him yet?"
Buffy Summers, you are a bitch. You know she doesn't want to go there.
"What?" she asks.
"Are you in love with him? It doesn't seem like you are...maybe you should--"
Faith glares at me. "Don't you ruin this for me," she yells. "He's the first person in my life who...he's the first person who wasn't yours first, and I won't let you ruin this for me."
Shit. Shit.
I try to stay calm and reason with her. "I'm not trying to ruin anything for you," I tell her softly. What the hell is she talking about though? First thing that wasn't mine first? "If you love him, I hope you'll be happy...I never wanted you to be unhappy," I say. And it's true. I don't want anyone to be unhappy or lonely, because I know what both feel like, every day of my life since this whole Slayer thing came along.
"Why are you doing this to me?" And it sounds like she's pleading with me.
"What am I doing?"
"You...You're making me think about stuff I don't want to think about...just leave this alone."
"If you love him," I repeat, "I hope you stay with him, I hope it works and I hope you're happy. But if you don't--"
"Then what?" she interrupts, and she sounds so tired and she looks just so...weary.
"Don't waste your time or his," I say, and she flinches.
She runs a hand through her hair. "I'm not real good with the whole...relationship thing," she says. "Never been good with it. I don't believe in love, Buffy. It's bullshit. I like him, and he's good to me. And we're happy the way we are, isn't that enough?"
She looks like she's forcing herself to remain calm. Her jaw's all clenched up...I'm not sure what to say to her. She looks at me carefully and then scowls and turns away. She throws her cigarette on the ground. "You wouldn't understand," she mutters, and she starts to walk away.
I wouldn't understand? Who is she kidding? She thinks I don't understand what it's like to feel alone and unhappy. And you know, I know to a certain extent, I've been privileged and blessed. I had Mom and Dawnie. I love my friends, and I'm so grateful to and for them. I never really thought I'd ever have friends like these. When I lived in L.A., and I was more of a bimbo than Cordelia Chase, circa 1996 before she got that whole visions gig, I never thought I'd ever have *one* friend who understood me and really liked me for me. And then when I got the Call, I pretty much resigned myself that I'd never have *any* friends, that my mother would grow to hate me for breaking up her marriage, that Dawn and I would never be close... but I came here, to Sunnydale, and my life changed. And things got less lonely, but I still felt alone...
And I know it was worse for Faith. I really know that. When we were younger, I knew that, but I didn't really appreciate it. I guess it's kinda like a highschool mentality, when you make fun of someone because they don't dress right, or they act funny sometimes or whatever, and you know on some level that they have a reason for acting that way or whatever. But it's only later on, if you think about it at all, that you realise they probably had something kind of bad going on behind the scenes, y'know? Because in LA, everyone thought I was a delinquent for burning down the school, and what was I supposed to do? Tell them why? So I always knew on some level that Faith had a reason for acting the way she did. I always knew on some level that she had it really rough, but it's only recently where I can understand that enough to stop caring about the things she did to me and my friends. When I'm finally able to forgive and move on.
I know she didn't have the same blessings I did. The family. The friends. No connections, right? And I know how strong she must have been, how strong she must be to have survived for as long as she did.
I forget sometimes how young she is. How young we all are. And I know that she saw more than she had to, experienced more than anyone should have to. And I know she's endured things that probably would have broken me if I had to experience them when she had to. But we're both strong now. And that's partly because we have to suffer the same curse.
Yeah, being a Slayer can have its perks. But most of the time, all it brings is loneliness and alienation. And maybe I don't understand all the reasons for her sadness and loneliness, but I know what both of those feel like--in spades. And it just really bothers me that she thinks I wouldn't understand. Because I really feel like I'd understand her better than anyone else.
Maybe we never were supposed to coexist. Maybe we'll never have anything other than a love-hate relationship. But I kind of want one with her that involves....y'know...love.
Faith's stalking away now. I run after her and grab her by the arm. She yanks it away violently. "What the hell do you want from me, Buffy?" She yells. "I'm not like you, all right? I don't make love, I don't have sex where love's behind it. But this is the first time, like, EVER where I'm actually having a *relationship.* Maybe Miss High and Mighty Buffy Summers doesn't approve, but it's the best I can do!"
I can feel my heart just shattering into pieces for her. Because it's not the best she can do.
"You can do better," I tell her, reaching out to hold her hand. "You deserve better, you deserve to be in love."
She snorts derisively. "No such thing, B."
"You still really believe that?"
She purses her lips. "No. Maybe it's possible for you, B," she sneers. "But it's not for me."
"Faith--"
She sighs with exasperation. "Why the fuck do you care, Buffy?"
I shrug. "I care about you."
I'm falling in love with you.
Her eyes soften. "I...care about you too." I want to laugh. She says the word "care" like it's a bad taste in her mouth she's trying to get rid of.
I'm falling in love with you.
"But just leave this alone, okay, B?" she pleads. "This is the closest I've come to being happy...I'm almost happy. Maybe it's not the kind of thing you're used to, but...just let me have this without you bugging me, okay? You and me, we're different. I'm not *you*. Just let me be me, instead of just telling me to be myself."
I'm falling in love with you.
But I don't tell her. Instead I force a smile, and I want to throw up. But I just keep smiling. "As long as you're happy," I tell her. "I'm happy," I continue, "Sorry."
Liar. I'm such a liar.
She gives me a relieved smile and then leans over to squeeze my shoulder. "I'll see you, B."
I watch her walk away from me. They all walk away. Angel, Riley...Faith.
If you think you are falling in love someone, but you're not really sure you could ever make it work with them, because God knows that Faith and I have a hard time making *friendship* work, then it is fair to try and take them away from someone who maybe they don't love but could make things work out with? I mean, in some ways it seems pointless to do something that you don't think will work out, but at the same time, it's not like a relationship is a waste of time just because it doesn't work out right? I'm not sure what to do.
She's not exactly happy with Wes. I don't think I'm fooling myself with that. But I think she's kinda coming close. I don't want to intrude on her almost-happiness. Especially when I'm too much of a wuss to say anything to her.
You know, as far as couples go, Wes and Faith are very low-key. No one other than me and Giles knows that they're a couple. They don't *ever* fight. But that's not to say they get along. They just...they don't fight. It's weird. Creepy. Twisted. And I'm not saying this because I need conflict in my relationship, and I don't recognise a healthy relationship. It's creepy because the two of them give off this totally weird vibe, and I don't even like being in the same room with the two of them when it's just the three of us. Sometimes, there's all this weird hostility between them. All I can say is, I never knew Wes had so many issues, but I guess any guy that uptight had to be a bit...repressed.
Anyway, I am swinging by Faith's to see if she wants to do some extra patrolling. I'm getting that feeling again...the feeling I had when we called The First Slayer and I felt compelled to go out and...hunt. I think something big's going down, but I'm not really sure what it is. Anyway, Faith being a Slayer, I bet she's feeling it, too. And I'm gonna see if she wants to come with. Well, I'm hoping.
Geez. What IS that? I'm walking down the hallway to her apartment, and...it's coming from *her* apartment. The sounds of breaking furniture. I am VERY familiar with that sound, having been thrown into many tables and chairs. I sprint the forty feet or so to her apartment and just as I am about to knock, I hear glass shattering inside and Faith shriek.
I kick her door down, and I run into her apartment.
Wes and Faith are standing near her fire escape. The window's broken. They're both naked, although Faith's hair is in pigtails. Cute look. What am I thinking? They're both naked. The two of them turn towards me. Obviously it was the sound of me breaking in that did it.
"Buffy!" Faith exclaims.
Wes just stares at me. Wow. Faith has no reason to complain...look away, Buffy. LOOK AWAY!
"Hi!" I say, just a little too perky. Keep your eyes on their faces. Oh, God, this is awkward. "I just...I was in the mood for a slay and wanted to see if you...I thought you were in trouble, I heard furniture breaking and then the glass..."
My eyes are involuntarily scanning around the room. Oh, ew.
Suddenly it's very clear to me what they were doing. Her kitchen table, a few chairs and the coffee table are all...well, we can use them for stakes now. I'm curious as hell as to how the window got broken, but I refuse to ask.
I realise then that they're both bleeding. I'm not really sure where Faith's bleeding from, but it's from her backside. The blood's dripping onto the floor, and Wesley has cuts on his forearms and thighs. Then I realise they're both looking at me expectantly. "Oh! You should...get dressed. I'll wait outside."
God, what is taking so long? I've been out here for...well, I don't wear a watch. So I don't know. It feels like a long time though.
Finally! Wes opens the door, well, it's more like he just kinda slides it aside. It's broken off its hinges. He gestures me inside.
He's putting on his coat.
"I'm going to try and get some lumber," he says, looking me not-quite-in-the-eye. But he doesn't look particularly embarrassed. "Anyone could break in. She's in the bathroom."
He leaves, and I go into the bathroom. She's rubbing some alcohol on her upper arms.
"Let me get that," I say.
She looks at me gratefully. She's wearing one of those white wifebeaters she seems to like so much. "Thanks," she says.
"This looks bad," I say.
She shrugs. "Nah."
"Is your back okay?"
She nods. She hisses slightly as I rub some alcohol into a particularly deep cut.
"How did this happen?" I cringe. "Wait, don't answer that, I think I know."
She grins at me and raises an eyebrow. "We were screwing," she confirms."I had my legs wrapped around his waist, and he shoved me a little too hard against the glass. Boom."
Bleh. I didn't want to know! It makes sense though. You can just tell by looking at them that they have loads of kinky sex. I did NOT just think that.
"So you wanted to go patrolling?" she asks.
I nod.
She raises an eyebrow. "You're feeling it too?" she asks.
"You mean when you..." I falter. Faith would say, "when you need find a good fuck or a good fight," but I can't quite bring myself to say that.
"That's why I called him over," Faith whispers, "I felt the need to...well, you know, get in a good ungghh," she releases an overly prolonged grunt.
I grin at her. "And did you?"
She looks at me quizzically. "I thought you weren't comfortable with the grunting. It's half the reason I do it."
I laugh. "I'm used to it."
She laughs as well and then nods. "Yeah, but it...I still feel the need to go out patrolling."
"Hunting."
There's this weird shift in her eyes. I never knew you could tell so much from her eyes. Most of the time, you really can't read her much, but from time to time, her eyes tell you everything.
She nods. "Yeah. It's like when Dracula--"
"Exactly."
"Let's go," she says, almost urgently.
"What about your window? Your door?"
"Wes will take care of it. He's good like that. It's all shit here anyway."
There's been this weird energy between me and Faith lately. That whole thing with this need to go hunting...it's still going on. And it's brought us...really close together. Sort of.
I dream about her. But it's like I'm in HER dreams. They are nightmares mostly. It's like I'm this spectator in them.
There's this one dream. It's Faith. She's young in these dreams, no more than eleven or twelve, but somehow, in the dream, I know it's her. There's a man, and he holds her down, and she struggles and tries to scream, but she can't. And I feel her terror and helplessness. And he...he does things to her.
There's lots of dreams like that. Where she's terrified and helpless. And I feel it with her.
I hope these aren't her dreams, that my sick head made them up, because it just means that she's hurt so much. And that I never really knew or even suspected. Almost from the beginning, I always thought she was a little unstable, but I never thought about why. I resented her for a lot of things, but that time has passed...I hope these aren't her dreams, that it IS my sick head making them up, but I kinda suspect they are.
There's another dream which I know is real. Her Watcher being killed by Kakistos. I threw up after I woke up from that one. I tried to comfort the girl in the dream. That Dream Faith. I even think she knew I was there, but she was tied down and she was screaming at Kakistos and screaming at her Watcher. She was pleading with me. But there was nothing I could do.
I tried to talk to her about it, to ask her if she sees me standing there in these dreams. But she got angry with me. I could see in her eyes that she has.
She's been in my dreams too. I still dream about killing Angel. I kiss him, and then I stick a sword into him. I remember the way he looked at me lovingly, his eyes full of trust right before he shut them just because I told him to. I remember his arm stretched out to me...and I wanted to take his hand, because by that point, I really had nothing left to lose. I already felt like I was in Hell. She's there, looking at me sympathetically. Looking at *him* sympathetically.
I understand why she doesn't want to talk about it. I hate that she's there, in my dreams. Seeing them happen.
Killing Angel was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I dream about a lot of them. My cousin Celia dying...finding my mother, wishing I could have saved her somehow. I dream about what it would have been like to lose Dawn. I dream about dying. And she's always there.
I dream of Heaven, but when I wake up, I feel...empty. Lonely. I still feel that loss. I wonder if she feels that too.
I see her other nightmares, and I hope that they aren't memories like mine. Except I'm kinda sure that they are.
So neither of us really wants to talk about this. I haven't told Giles. I doubt she's told Wesley. I tried to talk to her about it only because I know that it's important in terms of Slayer-related things. But I guess I didn't push it because I don't want to relive them in my waking hours either. And it hurts that she knows those things about me. I mean, she already knew. But to have her right there...it just...it's not that I am ashamed. It's that I just wish she hadn't seen me in those moments, the way I was. Weepy. Vulnerable...
I guess she feels the same way.
Sooner or later, we need to talk about it. There's something brewing...and I think it's big. But I don't know what it is.
But for right now, it's me and Faith, stalking the undead of Sunnydale. She eyes me as we approach a known vamp nest. I give her the signal, and we both kick the door down.
The vampires stare at us.
They're grinning at us.
Not for long.
Ash flies around me like snow. It gets in my eyes and I squint against it. I taste some in my mouth. They taste bitter, but not as gross to me as I would have thought. I don't spit.
And here we are, it's just me and Faith and a floor full of ash. She looks at me, and there's ash in her hair. Her eyes look darker, and they gleam. "Wicked," she breathes.
"Definitely."
That's when she grabs my face and kisses me.
I push her down onto the ground, I am on top of her.
She flips us over without breaking contact.
I feel her hair in my hands.
I feel her hands on me.
I've never felt more alive.
Author's Notes: Blah blah, this is kinda AU, blah blah. The real note here is that these chapters deal with...well, look, this is Buffy's POV, so because of that we're gonna get a very skewed perspective. So it might not actually..uh, reflect reality. And also, this is kinda..well, it's not DARK, but I think it goes to a place where a person's selfishness gets involved and...oh, forget it.
As far as having sex just for the purpose of having sex goes, I'm not really familiar with it.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding?
It was really the thing with Angel that did it. It just seemed strange, after everything that had happened for sex to be more than just sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other. I mean, I guess, that's the way it was in my heart. My head was telling me that that's not the way it should be. So I tried to hold on. To Parker, to Riley, even to Spike. I wanted it to be more, but...it wasn't always what I wanted it to be. If that makes sense.
I think I was relieved when...
Well, let's take Parker. I was more hurt that he played me than anything else. He was nowhere near as attractive as Angel. He was just thin skinny little boy compared to Angel. And he could never compare to Riley, Spike...Faith. I guess I tried to hold on to him because everyone always says that you're supposed to do that. And beyond that, I was desperately trying to prove that I wasn't Faith. And we all know Faith's always had that "get some and get gone" philosophy.
Then there was Riley. I did love him in my own way. But I guess the memory of Angel just...it tainted things. Riley was the romantic. He was the guy that dreamed of the white picket fence, even when it was just as unlikely for Mr. Covert Action as it was for me. He was the guy that thought love had an ethereal. You know, the kind of Moulin Rouge-y, "love transcends" and the most important thing you can ever learn is to love and to be loved in return. That sort of thing. But I didn't feel that way about him. I don't think I ever can.
I would never admit this to my friends. And believe me, I'm grateful for them, I'm grateful TO them. But they wouldn't understand. The reason I really haven't found anyone is that...I just don't feel it anymore. It's like Angel wiped away that ability for me to love and to care about someone in the way that someone who's involved with me WANTS me to love and care about them.
It's not that I don't care about people anymore. I do. I love my friends. But there's always this distance, you know? Back when I was a kid, I used to think of my future, and there was always a husband and children involved. And I think I implicitly thought of love between a wife and a husband as this all-consuming thing. Where there wasn't this distance. I don't know how to explain it. I felt something similar to that with Angel. And I've never felt it again.
So, yes. I used Spike for sex. I knew he thought he loved me. Maybe he even does love me. So I used his love for me.
I had sex with him because it made me feel *alive*. After I came back from Heaven, there was this...disconnect. And having sex with him made me feel like I was back. Like I was tethered to this world which I desperately wanted to leave, but I knew I had to stay. I used him. And I kept using him until I was ready to stop. When *I* wanted it to stop.
So that thing that happened with me and Faith a few days ago after we dusted those vamps in that nest...that wasn't about love. I do think I'm falling in love with her, but...well, it'll never be close to the way I loved Angel. In that back of my mind, Angel's there. That entire space is owned by Angel. I still dream we'll get married. So maybe I won't love her the way I love Angel, and she'll think she's second to Angel, and maybe she's right. And she'll hate me for it, because I'd hate to be second. But I want my chance with her.
Because I'm selfish.
And I always have been.
I never felt more alive than when I was having sex with her. We hurt each other just enough to make each other feel it. And that was exactly how we both wanted it.
You shouldn't think I'm a selfish bitch just because I want her to be mine now. She always did have a thing for me. I noticed it almost from the beginning. I just ignored it. When she went away, I missed her. When she came back, she stopped flirting with me, drawing me out. And I was relieved and saddened.
I'm pretty sure deep inside she hates me for taking the Mayor away from her. For making her be the one to betray him. But she still wants me.
And I want her. And now that I know what she can do to me...well, I can make her mine. It wouldn't be hard. She's always had a thing for me. And she wants me too. I could see it in her eyes.
I wouldn't be using her the way I used Spike.
We could be good for each other, she and I. And I love her. I do. I wouldn't hurt her.
But she'll be mine.
She's sitting on the roof of her building, on the ledge. I knew she'd be here, although she's never told me she comes up here. She has her legs folded up to her chest. Her hair is kinda wild from the wind.
"Hi," I say, sitting next to her.
"Hi."
"You shouldn't sit here," I say. "What if you fall?"
She turns to look at me. "What if I do?"
"Well, that would be bad. Flattened Slayer, that's bad."
"New girl would be called," she says flatly. "She's gotta be better than me, and I'd finally be out of your hair, B."
I curl my fingers in her hair. "What makes you think I want you out of my hair." I rest my hand on her thigh. "At least come off the ledge."
She peers down. "Do you think I'd die from this height? Or do you think I'd just break a leg or something?"
"I think you'd better get off this ledge." Morbid. I get off the ledge and extend my hand to her.
She takes it, and we stand on the roof proper and we look down.
"What brings you here, B?"
I put my hand on her waist. "Just wanted to see how you were."
"Five by five."
Yeah, right. YOU'RE fine.
"What's the matter?" I ask.
She gives me this shaky little smile. "Nothing you'd understand, B." Oh, those big brown eyes. They make her look like a kid right now.
I frown. Why does she always say that? Geez. "Try me."
She shrugs. "I just hate being number two. But you wouldn't understand anything about that, would you? You being The Slayer and me being the mistake." She gives me this *look*. She doesn't look like a kid right now. She looks like she wants to kill me.
"What brought this on?"
She snorts. "There's a lawyer bitch that Wes is in love with. He doesn't want to admit it, but he does. He thought he was in love with someone else, but it's that lawyer he loves. There's no room in it for me. I'm just someone who comes close. He wanted me to dress up-- like a lawyer, tasteful grey suit. Guess he doesn't really like me in leather all that much."
I don't know what to say to that.
"Thought I could be the good girl for once, and just accept it. Story of my life, really. Not good enough for..." her voice trails off, and she laughs bitterly. "I want him to go. He doesn't want to stay here, so I want him to go. But he says he wants to be my Watcher. He wants me to go with him. Back to LA." She pauses. "Bastard." There are tears in her voice, but her eyes just look dead. And I know there's more to it than just Wes being in love with someone else. But I don't know anything, not what this is all about.
"Don't go," I whisper.
Her lips twist into a grimace. "I don't want to stay. But I don't want to go with him. So he says he'll stay. Here. With me."
I stroke her hair. "You don't need to live up to the memory of someone else."
Buffy, you are a hypocrite. Okay, so she would be living up to Angel in some way. And maybe she'll be second...but I'd never...I don't know! I'm selfish and I'm kind of a bitch. I know this, all right? It's not like it's news to me. I know that sometimes I act like it's all about Buffy, but let's face it. Sometimes it is. I'm the Slayer. I save the world. So sometimes, it IS all about me. I don't think that makes me a bad person. But seeing her like this...I *hate* this. And I know I want her mostly because I'm selfish. Because being with her makes me feel alive, and it feels good. It feels right. The two of us...And I know what I'll do to her is a lot like what Wesley is doing to her. But it'll be different. She won't feel this way with me.
I push us to sit down, and I pull her to me. She struggles and pushes me back, but I just hold her. "B--"
"C'mon, tough girl. Just tough it out."
She's stiff right now in my arms, but she's loosening up. Relaxing. This makes her uncomfortable, but she needs to get used to it.
"There's trouble brewing, you know," I say softly. "We both know it. The dreams." She struggles away. But I pull her back to me. "I don't want to hurt you by talking about it--"
"I can't stand that you know those things about me," she finally sighs.
"You were going to leave, weren't you?"
She doesn't say anything. I take that to mean yes. That first time, when I was in her nightmare...I saw her the next day and she couldn't look at me. She was antsy, and embarrassed. And I've seen her look up Greyhound schedules.
"But we need to tell Giles and Wesley. We won't have to tell them specifics," I add hastily. "Just give them a heads up. And after it's over, I think...I think you should tell Wes to go back to LA and I think you and I should..." I reach for one of her hands and I rub it in-between my own.
"What?"
I nuzzle her ear.
She grins. "You want to screw?" she asks. "I guess you got a taste of the Faith machine and had to come back for--" she's sounding cocky now.
"I want us to get involved," I tell her, looking into her eyes.
Something in them shifts, and she stops smiling. "You want...what?"
"I want us to get involved. It's been killing me, seeing you with him. I want to be with you. I want you to be with me."
Her smile fades even further, if that's possible. Her mouth just kinda droops. "B, I don't think that's a good idea."
I kiss her.
She is kissing me back.
And I know I'm getting exactly what I want.
I thought things would get messy...what with Faith and I getting together. But it didn't really happen that way. They were a little awkward around each other, but there wasn't anything really...bitter between Wesley and Faith. It just kinda ended, and we just kinda started and Wesley didn't treat me any different.
Faith and I told Giles and Wesley about the dreams, the way we were seeing each other in some of our nightmares...how these nightmares were actually just memories...
They were both very interested. I guess Slayer Dreams tend to pique their interests.
Anyway, like her relationship with Wesley, my relationship with Faith is really low-key, although everyone knows that we're together now. No one seems especially surprised.
We're just hanging out in her apartment right now. We did a round of patrol, came back, gorged ourselves on food and...well, each other. And now we're sitting on her couch in front of her television. Her legs are propped up on her new coffee table. Wesley replaced all the broken furniture. It's some very bad, very old made-for-TV movie. It's terrible, but it has a lot of scantily clad women and a series of murders, so Faith's interested. She laughs with glee at the murder scenes, which is a little disturbing, I think.
"So corny!" she exclaims. Oh, okay. So THAT'S it. I hope.
I inch closer to her and I wrap my arms around her. She turns her head to smile at me, and plants a quick peck on my cheek. Then she squirms away and stands up. "Want something to drink, B?"
"No thanks."
I watch her walk into her kitchen and when she gets back, she sits kinda away from me.
Oookay.
I get it. Faith? Not so good with sharing her personal space. But I thought...I don't know. It hurts my feelings a little. Because you know, she doesn't mind putting her arms around me, or when I put my arms around her, like when we're in public and it's like it's ownership or something. But when I do it when we're alone and it's...well, it's just me and her, just for the sake of me and her...she doesn't seem to like it. And she doesn't sleep with me in the same bed. I mean, when I sleep over, or she sleeps over, she doesn't stay in the bed. She thinks I don't know because she'll stay in bed with me until I'm almost asleep or asleep, but when she leaves, I wake up. And she comes back into bed really early, but she's already told me once that she's not comfortable sharing the bed, so it's not like it's shocking to me, you know?
I just want to know if it's just...she can't do it with ANYONE, in which case, in a perverse way, it makes me feel better. Or if it's worse with me because of our history together. Is it that she can't fully trust me? Because it hurts to think like that. But I know it's hard, given our history and what we've done to each other...but I trust her now...
She yawns beside me.
I know she's tired. It was a tough patrol. She doesn't sleep very much, or very well, so Faith's perpetually tired. Usually she goes to sleep completely exhausted.
"Let's go to sleep," I say.
"Nah, I'm gonna watch the end of the movie." Her eyes are riveted to the screen which is filled with scantily clad women. Hey! I'm right here! I'm barely dressed too! Okay, I'm not. I'm in my pajamas. But still. I'm falling asleep as well, and she's definitely nodding off. I guess there's only so much nearly naked girls can compensate for a lack of plot when you're already exhausted and bruised from patrol. Or maybe that's just me. Or maybe it's because my girlfriend is so much hotter than those girls on the screen. Even if they were naked and she were wearing like, 10 layers of clothing...a fireman's uniform. Those are really layer-y, right? Ooh..Faith in a fireman's uniform...
She's still paying a little too much attention to those girls though.
She looks over at me. "You're so much hotter than those girls," she says grinning at me. She puts an arm around my shoulder.
Ha! She has no idea she has just spared herself a lot of drama.
Finally, this movie is over. "Let's go to bed," I say again.
I stand up and give her my hand. She takes it, and we head to bed. I wrap my arms and legs around her, and she sighs. And I wonder if it's because she's uncomfortable.
"You okay?"
"Five by five."
I move away from her, give her some space, and hope that will help. She turns around to face me and grins at me. She pulls me to her and just kinda holds me.
Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of it.
Author's Notes: I quote Goblin Market. The most brilliant poem ever. Well, not really. But still brilliant.
I'm dreaming. I'm expressly aware of this fact, but I can't seem to wake up.
I see Faith. She's about ten. She's wearing a pink dress. There's the man I've seen several times before. We're outside. There's a huge tree. I'd like to say it's an oak tree, but the truth of the matter is, I don't have the slightest idea. But oak trees tend to be huge, right? That's why they call them Mighty Oak Trees. She's crying, but she's not really making any noise. She just has tears streaming down her cheeks and he has his big hand over her face. And he's on top of her. And she cries even harder. I try to pull him off her, but my hands go straight through him.
"You can't do anything about that," a voice next to me says.
"Faith?"
This is strange, this has never happened. Usually, I just see the event...no commentary from the girl herself, all growed up. It's disconcerting, and seeing what's going on, knowing that it's real and that it's happened, even if Faith has never confirmed it..well, it's hard to look her in the eye.
But I look at her, and she looks different. Not a lot, but her hair's a little longer, curlier. She looks...well, healthier. Maybe even happier. Healthier and happier than I've seen her look in a while. Which is a hard thing to admit, since I like to think I make her happy.
She looks over at what's happening on the ground.
"There's nothing you can do about that, B," she says, smiling, and looking sympathetic for *me*. "It happened a long time ago." She pauses. "It all fades."
She stretches her arms, and her tank top rides up. I see a pale scar on her stomach, and I feel a shiver go through me. She doesn't have a scar there. Where did she get that scar?
"Are you...are you from the future?" I ask her. It could happen! It happened to Xander. It's why he and Anya didn't get married and why Anya's with Giles now.
Faith laughs. "Deep down, I think you know the answer to that."
God, this is infuriating. Of course I don't know, that's why I ASKED.
"You were never meant to see any of that," she tells me finally. Her voice flat. Her eyes look hard. She looks over at her younger self being...I can't even finish thinking it. "I never wanted you to know any of that. Here you are though, feeling sorry for me. I never wanted that," she finishes bitterly.
It hurts to hear that. I open my mouth to protest.
"That's my stepfather," she says, pointing to the large meaty man as he slaps the girl...as he slaps *Faith* and walks away. "My mother bought me that dress for my birthday," a small ghost of a smile. "I didn't want to wear a dress. But I wanted to make her happy, so I did." She pauses. "He liked that dress a little too much, maybe. She beat the shit out of me cos it got ruined and I only wore it once. But I was glad I never had to wear it again." She bites the inside of her cheek. She can't seem to stop staring at her younger self.
"I'm ten," they both say together, in a whisper.
"That was my birthday present from him," the older Faith tells me with a wry grin. "Some gift, huh? I didn't even get off."
I'm horrified, but at the same time I'm not surprised. It seems like a Faith thing to say. But I'm looking at the ten-year old and I can see that she doesn't share this older Faith's flippant attitude about what happened. And I'm hurt, hurt for Faith and the child she was, and the woman she grew into, the girl I knew and didn't care enough about. But I'm at a loss, because I'm dating the woman now, and I need her to be open with me and to share her feelings with me and...it hurts that even in my dreams Faith just won't open up. I feel like a failure.
Faith turns to stare at me. "This can't last forever, B."
"You and me?" I ask. "This dream? What the HELL are you talking about?" Because this isn't MY Faith. I mean, it's Faith, but it's not the Faith I sleep with. You know? This is some OTHER Faith, but she's not evil or anything, and I'm just so confused because where is this Faith from? Some other universe? The future? OUR future? Some other Faith's future? I don't get it.
She doesn't answer. Instead, she says, "She dwindled, as the fair full moon doth turn to swift decay, and burn her fire away."
"What the HELL are you talking about?"
"No, no, no; their offers should not charm us, their evil gifts would harm us."
"What?!" I reach out to grab her by the shoulders.
She grins at me. "Sorry," she said huskily. We're standing inches apart. Her face is so close to mine. "Are you ready?" she asks.
"Ready for?"
She opens her mouth to speak again, when I feel Faith shaking me.
"B? Buffy?"
And now I'm staring into a very familiar set of brown eyes. MY Faith's.
"Did you dream that too?"
She shakes her head, and wipes at my face, and I realise I'm crying.
"You okay?"
I can't stop crying now. I pull her to me. "Please don't leave."
"I...I'm not," she says, sounding confused.
I can't seem to stop crying, and I'm just getting the both of us disgustingly messy.
"B, it's okay...it was just a dream...shhh.."
"You don't understand, it's more than that."
And I don't know how I know that, but it's true. Because I am so confused, but I know something bad is going to happen. Something even worse than what we're already expecting to happen...
So Faith made me tell Giles and Wesley about my dream. Now I know how she feels when I make her tell them stuff. She said it sounded "wicked prophetic-like," and they agreed. But I didn't tell any of them all the details, that it was some other version of her telling me all of that. It was the fact that it was some other Faith that frightened me. Because me and Faith? We've been seeing each other in our dreams for years, but this was some OTHER alternaFaith, and that just freaks me out, you know?
After I told them, Faith and I went our separate ways. So she's probably at her apartment, and I'm in the Magic Box doing some research. I used to not really get saddled down with the research stuff, but Faith can barely abide it, so I get stuck with it a lot more than I used to.
Anyway, so we all know that something big's coming, but there really haven't been any signs other than these Slayer dreams, so it's really vague and hard to research.
Okay.
This is it. I give up. I can't take it anymore. I stand up.
"Okay, I've had enough," I announce. I wave good-bye to Giles and Wesley and flash a smile at Anya.
Anya. She's really happy with Giles. Maybe even happier than she when she was with Xander. But I feel horrible for Xander, getting fooled into believing that fake future from his fake future self. He still loves her so much, and I know he kind of resents Giles for getting together with Anya. But I really think Anya would be the only one of the Scoobies that Giles would ever get involved with. Power struggle and all that. He's always been too much of a father figure to the rest of us, and just Giles to Anya. I think Xander's waiting around for her, he says he's moved on, but I've seen the way he looks at her. I'm not sure he could ever move on as long as Anya's around. I wish Xander could be happy. If he could be happy, I think I could be happy. I mean, I'm happy with Faith, but neither of us are really...well, happy, you know?
Anyway, so I'm going home. I stop off for a mocha, knowing that it's now or never. If I wait until later to have one, I'll get hyper, and Faith will get pissy with me.
I end up at her door.
"Hi!"
She smiles at me. "Hey. Come on in," she says.
We end up laying in her bed. "How are you feeling?" she asks.
"I'm fine," I say, although I still feel a little creeped out from the dream. "How are you?"
She shrugs, and stares off into space. "Wesley...Wesley's moving back to LA next month," she says. "I guess the moment he casts me off, he goes running back to her. But I always knew he would. Can't really blame him, she's wicked hot and smart as fuck. He still thinks he should be my Watcher. He really wants to be my Watcher, B. And I think he could be good for me."
I feel really cold all of a sudden. I sit up. And I have this irrational hate towards Wesley, like he's trying to have this Mystery Woman AND Faith all to himself. Because Faith? Would be so willing to go to bed with Wesley and some hot woman. "Are you saying you want to go?" I ask. No. No. No.
Faith looks away and then sits up as well. "I'm not saying that," she mutters. "You get Giles and your friends and your sister and you had your mom...and you're number one for all of them. This is your town. LA's more my town anyway and even though I can't be first for Wesley THAT way. I'm still HIS Slayer, you know? I'm first with him in that way, and I like it."
"You're first with me," I say, pleading with her.
She snorts. "We both know that's not true," she says softly, without malice. "You'll always love Deadboy more, and that's okay, because I love the big guy too. I don't feel like I fit here, B, something's been off to me." She points to her head. "I don't know what it is, but I just feel *off* somehow."
"And you're hoping running away from me is going to fix that?"
She clenches her jaw. "I'm not running away from you. I'm trying to be fucking honest with you. I didn't say I was going to go for sure."
"You promised you wouldn't LEAVE me."
She looks like I've just punched her. "I know," she says. "I'm sorry." She bites her lip. "Nevermind. I'll stay."
I reach out to hug her, and I try to ignore the fact that she looks miserable. This isn't right. I shouldn't be guilting her after all the manipulating I've been doing. If she wants to go, I won't beg her to stay. I don't want her to leave, but I do love her, and I want her to feel like she belongs somewhere. I haven't felt like things were right in so long. Since I've died that second time, every day, I've felt like that. That I didn't belong here. That something was off. So if she thinks going to LA can take away that feeling, then I want her to go. But for right now, I just want her next to me.
We're just laying in bed now. In silence.
We lay around for a few hours until we go on patrol.
It was a slow patrol, until a vamp threw her into a headstone, head first and then hit her in the head with a beer bottle. It scared the shit out of me, but she just laughed and shook her head and told the vamp that her head was like a rock anyway and staked him. I wanted to take her to the hospital, but she refused like a little kid. I tried to drag her by the hand, but she actually sat on the ground and pouted up at me. So it was back to the house for us.
She fell asleep in my bed pretty quickly, which worries me because I'm worried about that head wound, you know? She was bleeding, but it looks fine now. I'm thrilled she's not leaving the bed now though. Although a fat lot of good it's gonna do me when she leaves me. I'm restless and I can't sleep, so I get out of bed and head over to my dresser to grab my headphones.
I knock over a little glass miniature piglet that my dad gave me. It's the only thing he gave me that I really still have.
"Damn."
I try to set it where it used to stand, but I end up dropping it, and it breaks.
"Fuck!"
I really liked that stupid pig. I bend down to pick it up and I realise...there's a weird shimmer in the room. What the?
The shimmer gets bigger and more solid.
"B?" Faith's sitting up in bed now, even from this far away and in the dark, I can see she's confused. "B? What's goin' o-"
The shimmer is no longer a shimmer. There's a short man kinda floating about a foot off the ground. Faith's already sitting up and bounding towards us.
He raises a hand and makes a shooing motion, she flies into the wall.
"Faith!" Oh, God.
She's already getting up, but she's not moving well. It's like she's drunk or something. God, how many times can she hit her head in one night? I'm going to kill this guy dead.
"Not now," he says simply. "Sleep," and he waves his hand towards her.
She falls back onto the floor and she doesn't move.
"What did you do to her?" I demand. Fuck, fuck. I have to see how she's doing, but I have to deal with him too.
He rolls his eyes. "She's fine," he says. He looks at me in annoyance and down at the broken pig at my feet. "Oh, so that's what happened," he says, sighing. "Good one, Slayer."
"What the HELL are you talking about?" I demand.
"Yeah, you wouldn't remember," he says, rolling his eyes again. I'm ready to gouge his eyes out. "Not yet anyway. It'll take a few more seconds."
"Enough with the talking, and begin with the explain--"
Oh no.
He smirks at me. "Remembering on your own, I see."
And it's true. It all comes back to me. This isn't real. I mean, it is. But it's not the way it's supposed to be.
"We had a deal, Slayer," he says.
I nod.
"It's time for me to collect."
"I just want to check on her," I tell him. I have to see if she's okay.
"She's fine," he growls.
"I want to see for myself."
He snorts, but nods.
I run towards Faith. Her eyes are closed. I kneel down next to her and I touch her face. God, she's so pretty. "I'm sorry." She moans a little. "Is she in pain?" I ask him.
He shakes his head. "It won't matter if she is though, this is all over now."
"My friends? Dawn?"
"They'll all be fine, you've changed things enough."
"I'm ready then."
He reaches out his hand to me.
I hear Faith cough, and we both glance over at her. She's sitting up. "No," she gasps out. "No, Buffy. Don't. Whatever's going on, don't."
He looks surprised. "How did you..."
"What's going on?" she asks. She grimaces and rubs her head. "Please tell me, B."
"I made a deal with him," I tell her. "The First..." She wouldn't know about that, and she looks horribly confused. "The Big Evil was here, we tried so hard...but we couldn't beat it. Things were going to Hell. Xander was hurt. YOU were hurt. I couldn't figure out what to do. And then HE came to me."
She frowns, her mouth opening. "B...you made a deal with HIM..."
"He said he could change things enough, go back into the past, change one thing amongst many that could change it. Make sure that all the stuff that was going on would change. That my friends would be safe, the world...you. You don't understand what happened to you in...that other place. He said this could be the permanent reality, that everyone would be better off."
"And you believed him," she said softly, "Shit, B," she sighed. She looks sad and disappointed.
"It IS better," I insist, although I'm aware of how so much has stayed the same. "The First isn't sending out minions to kill the Potential Slayers around the world, there aren't all these girls filling up the house, turning it into the estrogen factory. The First Evil will always be around, but at least it's not killing anyone, you know? It's still dormant."
"B, you should have known better! What did you promise him?" She sounds shrill.
"My soul."
Faith huffs. "Of course you did!" She yells. "Of COURSE! B, how could you be so retarded! These guys always lie! YOUR SOUL?? Are you fucking crazy!"
"I did it for you! For my friends, for the WORLD! I had to do it! Things were completely fucked. We were all going to die. The world would have gone to Hell. I'm the Slayer, it's my fucking job!"
"Yeah, you're THE Slayer," she shouts. "And maybe I'm just the fucking spare, but we could have done something! We always do. You should have fucking known better. Fuckin' hell, Buffy. Your fucking soul? God!"
"I had to," I tell her, and I'm not yelling anymore. She seems to deflate. "It was all I could think to do. You weren't waking up--"
She stares at me.
"You were hurt," I inform her, "in an explosion. You hurt, you weren't waking up. I thought you could die. I didn't think we had a prayer, so when he came and said all it took was my soul and everyone I cared about would be safe? You know you would have taken the chance too, Faith. You know it. Don't yell at me."
She grabs onto my arm. "You can't. I won't let you." She glares at the man. "You can take my soul. It's not worth shit anyway, and it's still a Slayer Soul."
He shrugs. "Okay."
She grins, and looks morbidly pleased, like she's so happy her soul would suffice.
"Like Hell!" I exclaim.
"Hey, check out his duds," she says, and she's already pulling away from me. "Hell can't be that bad, his clothes are wicked."
I notice for the first time that the little man is, in fact, dressed really well. Hmm. We both stare at him.
He finally sighs. "Okay," he says, rolling his eyes, "I have a new deal for you two. I'll set everything back to the way it was. That means you both have to deal with the First. Which means you and your friends will probably die. But the world may or may not be saved. Makes no real difference to me, it just means The Boss will be getting an influx of souls if it does. When you two die, and believe me, you will, because you are no match for the First, I collect your souls."
"What if we don't die?" I snap. I look at Faith. "No, no way. I won't let you do this. I refuse to let you put up your soul for this. He'll just take mine, and it'll be over with."
"If you manage to get out of this alive," he interrupts amiably, "you can keep your souls."
"And how do we know you aren't lying?" Faith asks.
"Contracts," he chirps. He grins at me. "There's just one catch," he says, talking only to me.
I narrow my eyes. "Yeah? And what's that?"
He jerks his thumb in Faith's direction. "I didn't make the first deal with her. She won't be allowed to remember any of this. Which means that when everything goes back to the way it is, she won't be with you."
Faith laughs. "What the fuck are you talking about? I'll always have a thing for B. Don't fucking listen to him, B. Even if I don't remember this, you know I've always been hot for you. Don't let that stop you. Come on, B. We're the Chosen Two. Whatever this First thing wants to throw at us, we can take."
"No." I won't let her do this.
She has it better here. Everyone does. Well, not me, I guess. I know I'm selfish about every day things. But this is the world we're talking about. If things go back the way they were, I'm pretty sure none of us will make it out, and I don't know if the world will make it. And even if the world gets saved, Faith's soul will be his just because of me. I won't let that happen. I won't agree to it.
It's weird what he changed. Well, what he let me change? I'm not sure. All I know is, back when we were all still in highschool, and the Mayor's Ascension was all imminent, we were all trapped in the stupid room because Snyder just had to open the box that held those disgusting spiders. And Faith threw her knife at Wesley when he was still a dork and hit a spider, and for a moment, I really thought she'd come back to us. I really did. Although in retrospect, maybe she was really thinking about how she could get the knife and still run out in time, what with the Mayor all calling her name. When she was gone, I was at a loss. Because the look on her face...I should have said something, called out to her. But I didn't.
And a few days later, it was the prom. He let me change the way that day happened. I didn't see Faith at all that day, but this time around, I did. It was so small too.
I'd gotten Tucker's name, and I spotted Angel buying some blood, and went over to talk to him. And instead of taking the usual way to the library, I cut through the little alley on Kanan Road and ran into a demon fighting Faith.
Can you believe half a city block could change so much? I couldn't just walk away, she was hurt. I gave her back her knife, and she stabbed it and killed it.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
She nodded, and a there was this tiny grin creeping up on her. And it just made me laugh. And she laughed. And for a moment, it was all okay.
She glanced at her watch, I mean, when did she start wearing a watch? The Mayor was totally manipulating her. I could see that by then. "You really should get the hell out of Dodge," she said. She smiled and then she hopped the wall and ran off. And I went back to the library to tell the gang that I had Tucker's address, sent them on their way to the prom and headed to Tucker's.
So when she still shot Angel, I felt so betrayed. But then she gave him her own blood, and I knew she was back. Maybe not all the way, maybe a part of her was lost forever. But we had her back.
And we did. Because that little detour was enough to change things for Faith. I never stabbed her with the intent to kill, she was never in her coma, there were two Slayers against Adam, and Glory. I still died, but, hey, some things are destined. Whatever her presence did here in Sunnydale over the last few years, it was enough to ward off the First.
So it's better this way. For everyone.
"B, we're gonna take this deal," she says. She smiles at me reassuringly.
I smile back. There are no guarantees that way. My way, I know everyone I love is safe.
"I'm sorry," I mutter.
"Why?" She looks confused.
I pull back my arm and I punch her viciously in the face. She cries out and stumbles backward. "I'm going with you," I tell him, and I reach out my arm to take his hand.
Author's Notes: Yeah, I know. It got kinda weird. So reminders: It's AU sort of. Well, not so much anymore. Once again, I've stolen lines from the BRILLIANT poem, "Goblin Market". This is TOTALLY unproofread, there are a TON of mistakes in here. But watch me care. Also, there are a shitload of spoilers for the Series 7 finale of Buffy and the Series 4 finale of Angel. So if you haven't seen 'em, be forewarned.
I'm about to grab onto his hand, when I feel Faith launch into me, and we go flying into a wall. Oh geez. She's going to be permanently brain damaged from this night, and it is going to be all my fault. She's bleeding a lot from her head. She keeps blinking because there's blood running into her eyes, but she still keeps fighting. That's my girl.
"No, no, no; their offers should not charm us, their evil gifts would harm us," she shouts. She looks taken aback, almost confused, like she can't believe she just said that. I can't either. That's what alternaFaith said in my dream. She scratches her head and then shrugs. "Buffy, he's fucking with us. We have a chance here, you don't have to keep sacrificing yourself for the world, B. How many times have you saved the world from ending? Everytime, obviously. This time won't be any different--"
"You don't get it," I tell her, doing my best to sound harsh, hoping she'll just let me go if I'm mean enough.
"Well explain it," she whispers.
"Everything here happened precisely the way it should have," I say, more for myself than for her. It's true. It's so much better here...
"Screw talking," she says, leaping forward and grabbing the small knife I have on my dresser. She turns to the man and guts him. He screams and grabs his stomach, and then grabs her by the head and holds onto her. "Fuck!" she shouts, trying to shove him away from her. Oh, Lord. What did she do? I'm trying to pull him off her, Faith's screaming by this time.
"Get away from her!"
Finally he drops her. Faith just sort of...falls to the ground. Like a doll. And he gives me this smirky ass look, like he knows fucking everything, and then just shimmers away again.
"Faith?" I run toward her side, but she's not moving. Her face is covered in blood, and I can see where her blood mingled with his blood. "Faith!" I touch her face, and then there's this flash of light, and I feel this overwhelming disorientation.
"Also you went evil and were killing people," I hear myself saying, unable to stop myself. What? I'm standing in the bedroom, Faith's lying in the bed, a scythe near her side.
She nods amiably, "Good point, also a factor."
"But you're right," I say. My mouth is working independently of my brain. This is surreal. "I mean, I guess everyone's alone but being a Slayer? There's a burden we can't share."
"And no one else can feel it," she says, looking completely at ease, like she isn't completely confused by all this. So it must just be me. She's silent for a moment before she gets this cocky look on her face, "thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers."
"Takes the edge off," I say. Takes the edge off? I am so far beyond the edge. I'm so far beyond the edge, I'm running on the other side and leaping across ANOTHER edge, that is how far off the edge I am. What the fuck is going on here? I mean, I sort of know what's going on. Faith was unconscious when I made that deal with that guy, and here she is, conscious. So yay. I mean, it's not like I'm completely confused, except, well, yes, I kind of am. How did I get back here? What happened? Did we somehow nullify the deal I made? Did we take the second deal somehow? I don't know! I'm completely freaked, but I seem incapable of showing it. I just have my arms folded in front of me, all calm and indignant, like I'm not ready to just scream.
"Comforting."
"Mm-hmm." That's it? Buffy, you ass! And I just leave her. Alone. And I see Spike of all people. Oh, Spike. I don't know if I love him. But he is definitely in my heart. There's just something about him, how he tried to do right even when he had no soul. He's done a lot of terrible things, but he was different even before he got his soul. I'm not really aware of my conversation with him, until I say, "I'm tired of defensiveness and weird mixed signals. I have Faith for that." Hee! I sure do. Why am I so amused? I should not be this amused. But I am. Something is SO off here. Right. Okay, first I have to concentrate on getting us out of this alive, and then figure out what happened. I think maybe I'm the one with head injuries, good God.
I don't think Faith remembers anything. But I should try to talk to her again, see if she's stuck as I am.
I hope she does remember, if we get out of this alive, then I swear, I'll make it up to her. I've seen what it could have been like, if just a little thing could have been changed. It's not fucking fair! I didn't know I'd fall in love with her. Okay, so I was always a little in love with her, but not the way I am now. Back then, it was always more of a Slayer thing, but now it's more of a Faith thing.
Aw, crap. My life sucks more and more beyond the telling of it. It really does. Last night, I wasn't exactly happy to be alive, but I wasn't miserable either. And I was glad, really glad that I was with Faith, and that things were working out the way they were. I was fine that I wasn't with Angel, and I thought, hell, it's a good thing for Faith that she was with me instead of Wes. I know it was kind of a lie, that I was guilting her into staying with me. But I was good. We were good. Well, better than anyone would have thought we'd be. And now here we are, and things are just beyond fucked.
I stop in to see Willow, and I'm momentarily startled to see Kennedy with her. I don't like her much. I think she's kind of a bitch, more than a little annoying, and I'm just not used to seeing Willow with someone other than Tara. It's always kind of a shock because I'd just seen Tara alive the day before, back where...well, back where I was. And now I miss her all over again. She was so great. It's just kind of disconcerting. I miss her all over again, and it's just another reminder that some of my friends aren't going to make it out of this alive.
One thing's for sure. We have to win. I know not everyone's going to make it, but none of their efforts are going to be in vain.
And I have to figure out what happened, because there's no way I'm letting something bad happen to Faith for something I did.
So we won. Sunnydale's just a big crater now.
We all stare into Sunnydale for a little longer. For some of us, it's our hometown. The place where we met our oldest friends, broke yellow crayons, lost our oldest friends, our lovers...And for me, well, it may not be my *hometown*, but I call it home. It's where I met and lost Angel, Riley....Faith.
I won't tell her. About us. What happened. I didn't get a chance to tell her before we went into battle. It was so abrupt, you know? Everything just kinda came together in my head, and all I knew was that there was a mission that I had to accomplish, and my messed up personal life had very little to do with it. And what would be the point in telling her? That was a different world, and I have to live in this one. If she remembers, that would be really nice, but there's been no indication that she is. But she's all cosy with Robin and I think he's good for her. He *grounds* her, and she needs that. At least, this Faith will need it. My Faith probably could deal without him, but this Faith...the REAL Faith could use someone like Robin in her life. I think they just might last. And if they don't, you can bet that I'll be right there to step in. But I've always messed up choices for her, and this time, I'm going to not be selfish.
You know what the real punishment is? I couldn't remember this world while I was living in the other one. I went by my days, thinking it was the way things were, and I was at peace with my choices. That Faith had never fully succumbed to the affections of the Mayor, that I never stabbed her, that she was never in that eight-month coma. That she hated me so much that she came looking for me practically the moment she woke up, when all I really wanted was for us to be friends again. And of course, the rift came when she did what she did to my mother, to me, to Riley. And then when Angel...when Angel who was always *mine* chose *her* over *me*. Well, things got harder for us. But I didn't remember all that. Faith was still Faith. She'd still killed Allan by accident, and she'd still gone over to the Mayor, but they were all these small, differences that turned out to be so important. She came back. And now I remember all that life, and I know how different it could have been if I'd just done things a little differently. I now know that something as small as cutting through an alley, meeting up with Faith and making nice with her was enough to trigger events where things could be so different. Better. For me. I know it's selfish, but I've always been that way. But knowing what I know about Faith, Robin's good for her. And she's good for him, what with all his Slayer-Mommy issues. And I won't ruin it. What could I say? "I spent a year in another world where I took you away from your Watcher boyfriend and we were happy, but it was ruined in one moment, and the next thing I knew, here I was, back in this world, where I was only gone for a few hours, but in this world, too much has happened between us to make it work, but I want to be with you. I really want to be with you, more than anything else now that the world is saved"? She'd laugh in my face and tell me to get my head examined.
Still I'm going to try and not beat myself up about it. I had my own problems at the time, and I'm sorry that I got so involved with them so that I ruined what could have been salvaged with Faith. But I made the choices and decisions that I thought I had to make. If I had to do it all over again, I'd never try to sacrifice Faith for someone who was already dead. It was a mistake. I don't think I can ever fully express how much I loved Angel. It was so tempting to let the world go to Hell, if I could just have him. But I had to kill him. And then he came back! And I just couldn't face up to a life without him. He wasn't a vampire in my mind. He was Angel, he was the man I loved. And Faith...well, I had feelings for her, but I tried to justify that she was just a girl, that her death was okay because it'd save Angel. But if I had the chance to do it all over again, I don't think I could make the same choice that I did. Just like I'm not so sure that I'd make the same choice with Dawn and Glory. I don't regret it. I'm just not sure if I'd do it over, knowing what kind of consequences my friends bringing me back had. Not just on myself, but just on the balance of the world.
Hey! I kinda grew up in Sunnydale. Ha. I mean, I've matured. Yay for me. I'm going to miss this place, I think. Despite it being...you know, the Hellmouth.
Pretty soon, we're done contemplating the crater that was once Sunnydale. And we get back into the school bus. Faith's sitting next to Robin, and she has her hand on his face, and she's wiping away some sweat and blood from his forehead. She's smiling at him, and he puts his hand on her thigh, and they just kind of stare at each other for a moment. Everyone's looking at each other the same way, like we can't believe we made it.
We're heading for LA, because that's the first place we can think of to go to. There's a hellmouth in Ohio, and a bunch of girls and women all over the world who are probably very confused that we need to find. Give them a choice to fight, or to go on with their lives without the need to be physically afraid. Faith and I never had that choice, but I'm glad these girls do.
I look over at Xander and there's this sad look on his face. Anya. Oh, Anya. I wish she could have gotten a happy ending. I can't believe she's dead. There's this pit in my stomach knowing that Anya, Amanda...and all those girls are back there. No decent burial at all, just tossed in some mass grave with demons that tried to end the world. They all deserved better than that.
The ride's been pretty silent. I think everyone's thinking their own thoughts about the battle.
It's Kennedy who interrupts the silence.
"I wish Amanda could have been here," she says softly.
Vy nods in agreement, "she looked so strong," and I remember how all those Potentials looked, infused with the power of the Slayer. For a brief moment, I'd hoped we'd all make it out alive, knowing full well I was being retarded.
"Girl could fight," Rona agrees.
I close my eyes, remembering the way she was just cut down. The way her dead eyes looked accusingly into mine. God, she was so cute. Dawn told me how Amanda had called me a high functioning schizophrenic. It'd made me a little outraged at the time, but now all I can think of is how much Amanda reminded me of Willow, way back in the day. I think of poor Chao-Ahn, and how I feel a little guilty now for all the stupid jokes we made about the language barrier. At least we had Trang come in later to translate. Turns out poor Chao-Ahn was more confused than we thought. She could fight though.
We're about an hour away from LA. I guess we're going to stop in on Angel, see if he has any room at the hotel. I'd heard about some stuff going on in LA, you know, the endless night and all that. But we'd been too busy to even turn on a TV, and as if I'd read the newspaper. Faith saved the day there too. Faith.
I need to stop thinking about her.
Kennedy, Vy and Rona spark this discussion. And the Potentials start talking about all the dead girls that didn't make it out. I feel guilty again knowing that I barely know any of their names, that they all became a blur to me in the blindness I had focusing on the mission. We all start talking, it's kind of hushed at first. Reverential. But then we start talking about how Amanda was kind of a geek and could beat Andrew, Willow, Giles and Xander at D&D. Or how Chao-Ahn had really spent a significant amount of time calling us crazy (that's according to Trang.) And we're laughing, all of us. And I realise again that despite whatever losses any one of us might suffer, the world is always worth saving if we can laugh like this.
I catch Faith's eye and she winks at me. I smile back.
I won't tell her.
There's a mission now. Girls to find, and baddies to stop, and I guess that's the thing that's important.
Author's Notes: Did anyone think this fic was a little weird? I think so, too. Why? Beats me. It's mostly rubbish, but thank you to all those who've read it, stuck with it and feedbacked me. I REALLY appreciate it.
The other slayers, these girls who were once just obnoxious potentials are all in different parts of the world now. Almost immediately after we shut the Hellmouth, some of the girls have gone home to keep up the fight there...Vy and Rona both headed to Ohio, home of another Hellmouth. Others have gone to parts of the world that are different from where they started from. Faith took off with Robin. I tried to ask her to stay with us, Willow even offered to hack into the police computers so that she wouldn't be hunted anymore. Ironic. In this world, the real one, Willow and Faith could be *friends*. I guess once you try to end the world, you just end up having a lot in common with everyone else who has tried to end the world.
Giles, with help from Wesley in LA, tried to rebuild the Watcher's Council. Dawn moved to England with Giles to study to become a Watcher, since she's so proficient with languages.
Willow, Xander and I are living in San Diego. We contemplated staying in LA, but LA's just not big enough for us and Angel. And you know, I don't really like the running the Evil Law Firm thing. So we headed for San Diego. Some of the Potentials stay with us, but strictly on a part-time basis. But even Will, Xander and I don't spend a lot of time in San Diego-- we're still trying to find the all Slayers we can, to explain what's happened, and that if they want to jump aboard on the mission, it'll be welcome. We've come across the occasional rogue Slayer, and that's when I wish Faith would be around most. After all, she's the Original Rogue Slayer, the rest of them are all wannabes.
She refused Willow's offer to hack into the police database. She said if she ever got tired of life on the outside, she'll always have some place to go. I don't really understand what she means by that. But she could have broken out of prison any time she wanted, so I guess she has her reasons. Willow hacked into the police data base anyway though. She said that Faith would never really know, and that the warrant was just a reason Faith had to keep running. And that Faith doesn't really need that to be the reason to keep running, she could just keep running anyway, but that one day she'd decide to stop, and that prison was no place for a Slayer. I agree.
Anyway, Willow just transported us to this little alley in South Boston. Faith's hometown. It's over a Rogue Slayer not Faith.
And we hear a familiar voice.
"Hey, Junior Miss. I was pulling the Rogue Slayer act while you were still begging your mommy to let you put on makeup, so why don't you put down that shiv, huh?"
Faith.
I have to laugh. So she's back in Boston.
We watch as Faith contains the girl. The girl is small. Maybe five-feet tall and skinny. She reminds me of Chao-Ahn. I remember watching her die, and I hope this girl won't have to come to a bad end.
Anyway. I think this girl is deadly because she looks so harmless. She's very tiny and fragile looking. She's even a little mousy, she looks completely unobtrusive and inconspicuous. She could sneak up on you and gut you. She's killed three people already.
"Hey," I say, standing next to her, as Willow and Xander chant so the girl can't get away. She's coming with us.
Faith grins. "Hey, I was hoping I'd catch you here."
"So this is where you grew up."
Faith nodded. "Never would've come back here unless...well, unless that," she says, pointing with her foot towards the girl. "This place is full of assholes, but it's my turf. When I heard some chick was acting like....heh, me. I had to come and put her down."
"How are you?" I ask.
She smiles warmly at me. She pats her stomach. She looks good, she looks like she's eating healthy and exercising regularly and all that stuff. She glows. "I'm good, B. How are you? You look great. Calling all the Slayers suits you."
I laugh. "Things are great," I say simply.
She squints at me, "but how are you?"
"I'm better."
Faith nods knowingly. "That's good."
Robin's on the scene. He looks pissed. He stomps over to Faith and lightly swats her arm. Then he breaks into laughter. "You should be more careful," he says.
She scowls at him, but laughs as well.
"If anything happened to you, the kids would be heartbroken," he says.
"But not you?" she teases, her eyebrows furrowing. She pouts. It's cute. Faith would not like that though, she'd insist that she is not cute, she is sexy. And bad.
"Kids?" I ask. Kids? What kids?
Faith turns towards me and grins. "Robin started a chapter school."
"Charter school," he corrects.
What the HELL is a Charter school?
"Whatever," Faith says, rolling her eyes dismissively.
"And of course I'd be heartbroken," he says, his voice is light, but his eyes look serious. He pulls her toward him, almost protectively. She doesn't seem to mind. The Faith I knew would have.
"You guys never told me that," I say.
"It's been a long time since we've talked," Faith says, her voice noncommittal.
"We're living in New Orleans," Robin informs me.
"He's leaving the slayage to me, and the Principaling to himself," she says, grinning. "But since I was comin' here, he insisted he come with me. We're going back right away, now that you guys got her."
She's so happy.
My heart's shattering. Damn. I was so sure...I was so sure that one day we'd get back together. I knew Robin was good for her, but I didn't think they'd last as long as they have. It's been about a year.
I told Willow everything, and she did some research and a little magic, and figured out that everything is okay. That somehow Faith's blood managed to nullify whatever bargain I had with that little demon man. I'm glad that nothing happened to her. It wouldn't be right if something did. It was all my fault. Willow was pissed off at me and lectured me about it, but I think she ultimately understood.
Faith and I talk a little longer, and I don't want her to leave. But eventually she smiles at me and says she has to go, and Faith and Robin walk away. Together.
I turn towards Xander and Willow who are both looking at me expectantly. The Rogue Slayer who we find out is named Cheryl glares at all of us hatefully.
There are a lot of Rogue Slayers around the world, but it was a risk we had to take to call all the Potentials. I don't regret doing it, even if these girls are very dangerous. "Come on," I say, hauling the girl to her feet. I can pass through the containment spell's barrier to grab her arm, but she can't break out of it to touch anything. Willow begins chanting and we're back in San Diego.
There's a mission, and that's what's important now.
...alternate ending...