Lies
by Victoria
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Graduation Day 1, and general season 3.
Author's Notes: I'm not quite sure what anyone will think of this, it's kind
of random... please anyway tell me what you think.
Feedback: Please.
People are funny, just when you think you understand them somethin' happens, somethin' that changes the way you look at things, maybe just one thing, but a lot times it just changes everything. All you can really do after that is sit and think, about this and that, but mostly about yourself, how you are and shit like that. Then you start analyzing, maybe it's just life. You ever noticed how the ways you're supposed to act, like how you're expected to behave even if you follow them you get screwed? Like you stay in the lines and sometimes they just lead to this dead end and it's like you can't fix it and you know when you try it'll only fuck everything up even more? So you get to this point where you have to choose between two things, maybe two actions, and neither works for you. That's where I am. I can't go back, there is no way, believe me if there was I'd take it, to make it ok and I can't go forward. Going forward for me means playing this part, the part that everyone else is sure I'm perfect for, the part that I've always been told I'd play and the part which I swore to myself I'd never touch, never prove them right. Yet here I am, in this apartment full of things that shouldn't be mine, that I know I don't deserve, with her looking at me like I am what I've tried not to be.
"Thought I'd stop by." She's angry, she has every right. Fucking people and our fucking pride. All I want is to be able to stand and tell her all I've been doing all this shit, all these lies, all this is pretend, just a role just a part, that this isn't me, but I can't. I can't. She told me she knows I don't want this and I had to prove her wrong, so here we are. I always do this; I have to be right even if it means lying to myself. I can't be wrong, because if I'm wrong then maybe all this, every shit thing that happened to me, every abuse, every lie, every stumble, just maybe they are my fault...they are all my fault. If I'm wrong then my watcher's death was my fault, my mom was telling the truth when she told me how I was gonna end up, my dad was right when he...not thinking about that. The most screwed up thing about this whole mess? I am wrong, and I know it, deep down I know it, but in some twisted way I can never admit it out loud. And the most fucked up person award goes to...right me, what's that 18 years running now?
"Is he dead yet?" I'm so good at this it makes me sick. Pretend I don't care.
"He's not gonna die. It was a good try, though. Your plan?" No, she has a dangerous look and I know all I have to do is keep pushing... she'll do it.
"Uh-huh. The Mayor got me the poison. Said it was wicked painful." A lie, it was more a suggestion by the mayor than my idea, too busy lying to everyone to come up with plans. I'm so fucking full of it, all of it is lies and they just eat it up...the mayor, Buffy, her friends. Call me on it please B, just call me on it...
"There's a cure." Then why are you here?
"Damn. What is it?"
"Your blood. As justice goes, it's not un-poetic, don't you think?" Quite poetic, and I'm completely uninterested.
"Come to get me? You gonna feed me to Angel? You know you're not going to take me alive."
"Not a problem." God, look at her, she's turning into what everyone thinks I am. She's turned into a killer. Another person I've dragged down with me.
"Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister's clothes." Please look at yourself, B. This isn't you, don't fucking stoop. God, Buffy I need your help. I want you to see that, but I do everything and anything to hide it. I've got myself so deep in this hole I'm fucking beyond sure there is no hope for me. I'm walking contradiction. I say what I don't mean, I need help but I'd never say it, I love you and I act like I wanna skin you alive...Buffy I love you...please help...
"You told me I was just like you. That I was holding it in." I lied to you Buffy, that’s all I've been doing, why the fuck do you believe me? Don't prove me right.
"Ready to cut loose?" And I keep adding fuel to this fire.
"Try me." B, you're above this.
"Okay then. Give us a kiss." She punches me. I don't really feel it at all. I don't want to fight back, just let her beat me...but my fucking pride, my body reacts even before I think about it. I'm not even listening to what she's saying, but we're fighting I've gone through the window I'm on the balcony. She has my knife. If you can't help me, kill me Buffy please...just kill me, I can't help you, my work is done, I've screwed you up now too.
"That's mine." Piss her off and an angry snear, please Buffy...just do it. Suddenly, I realize I don't wanna lie anymore, I don't wanna think, I don't wanna love you, I don't wanna do this to you, I don't wanna live.
"You're about to get it back." She did it...I hardly feel it until it's in me and she's pulled it back out. The blood on my shirt...it feels right and I'm so...it's over, finally... I'm over, but still I kept up the part, the role I've been playing. I can't let her think that this was all fake, that what she thought she was stopping is just this fucking bundle of lies...
"Man I'm gonna miss this." I'm gonna miss you. I see the look on your face of horror, you're disgusted and in a weird way it fucking comforts me. It hurts you to do this and that's how I know it'll be ok. I can feel I'm not gonna die, so what now? The edge of the building, I move closer. "You did it B...you killed me...Still won't help your boy, though...Shoulda been there, B, quite a ride." Read into that whatever you want, I'm gone. This isn't about Angel B, it isn't even about slayers...it's about people, it's about us, it's about me, it's about life.
I throw myself off the building, and I smile as I feel my back slam into the truck...and I whisper right before I go...
"Thank you."