Untitled
by Victoria
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing...not one thing.
Spoilers: Nah.
Author's Notes: Trying to clear my head while writing my other fic, it's
just a kinda sappy little piece, not even sure what made me decide to post
it. It's not what I normally write. So drop me a line if you liked it, off
or on the list, doesn't matter one bit to me. Oh, and thanks to anyone and
everyone who has given me feedback.
Dedication: To my world.
Feedback: Yeah, please...it would be great, suggestions, constructive
criticism, comments, like it, love it, thought it was 'eh'.
Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror so fucking long you can't even recognize yourself? It takes a while. You start to see things, things you never noticed before: random bits of color in your eyes, the dent in your lip, and how pale you are. Just stupid things that don't matter, but they pile up. Changes your face so much that it doesn't even look like you. Makes you want to feel the skin, just to make sure it is still the same person. I wonder if this is what other people see, y'know, like maybe I think a look a certain way, but I don't.
I always liked mirrors, since I was a kid. For some reason they stick 'em all around Chinese restaurants. It makes the place look so much bigger, y'know like there’s this whole other room, but you know there isn’t cause you can see yourself standing in it. It always took me awhile to realize it was me. I was never big on the whole deep thoughts deal, but I'm pretty sure all that shit means something.
Anyway, that's what I been doing for the past hour, just looking at myself. I don’t know why, just saw myself out of the corner of my eye and felt like I needed to look. Maybe it's overexposure or something, just too much, but I still feel like staring. I think it's my eyes-- they’re not like hers. They are so fucking dark, damn. There's not that much light in this room, but still. It's like looking into the ocean at night. The water is black, but it moves and the moon flickers on it. Like fucking black water. Her eyes are like the ocean, too. Not black, but a calm green. They weren't so dark; they were clear and clean. I think I read in a fortune cookie or on some cracker box that your eyes, they're supposed to be the door to your soul, maybe the window, does really matter 'cause you get the basic idea either way.
A noise catches my attention. A piece of the ceiling just fell, the fan is swinging so much. That fucking ceiling fan is just hanging on by a thread, I swear to god one of these times it's just gonna fall. I'd rip it down, but part of me wants to see it come crashing to the ground. Piece of shit motel room, she deserves better than this. I turn to look back at the mirror and my head is just a black blur. Kind of like a smudge, like what gets on your fingers when you pick up charred wood and I'm fucking depressing myself.
My life is so fucking cliché. I mean first of all, I grew up in a shit neighborhood where no one expects you to be anything. You know, they fucking paint them on TV all the time, the kind where your lucky if ya' die. I look at myself and I'm not one for the self-examination as I said, but I know I ain't got a future. I didn't even finish High School. I have no connections and no money. I would be a fucking nobody except I was chosen. Out like a million and a half other people I was chosen. I have no fucking idea why. I'm just skinny white trash, with an attitude to boot. It's like what I was saying before about my life being cliché; it's a fucking lifetime original movie over here. I mean I can hear the teaser... "A young girl from the wrong side of the tracks, given a second chance to make something of herself, working for the good of..." Kill me now, so fucking cliché. On top of that I got the typical bad girl thing going for me...leather, trashy makeup, dark. See it's that darkness, makes me look fucking bad-ass. The dark hair, the dark eyes, dark makeup, dark past. I mean I do play the part, but shit I just want someone... I am so fucking depressing.
Anyway, she's the opposite, but her life has got the same clichés as mine. We both got the lifetime original feel, 'cept hers would be something a little different like "A normal girl, torn from her perfect life, and forced to blah blah blah..." You know how it goes. Shit, she's got the typical good girl thing going too. Beautiful blond hair and light friendly eyes, natural makeup, normal clothes, and a family. Shit, I'm so jealous of her, but at the same time I want her to have all of it and more. God, we are so fucking different. I just stare at myself in the mirror and the reflection just keeps getting darker and more distorted. I can't help the feeling that this is me what I'm seeing now, the darkness. How can she...
"Hey...what are looking at baby?" Her arms wrap around me and her chin rests on my bare shoulder. I can feel her against my back. I love her so fucking much it scares me sometimes. I can't believe the image in the mirror, the darkness in me seems to have gone. If it weren't scientifically impossible I'd swear the girl was emitting some kinda natural light. My eyes and my hair, have fucking changed to a warm brown which looks so absurdly right against her golden hair and skin. The cliché is back, she lights up my life and I have to push back the song that’s playin’ in my head.
"Nothing, go back to bed." I kiss her head and practically melt into her. God, I am such a fucking sap. Love does that to you. Every time she touches me, just everything.
"Doesn't look like nothing." She says it with this cute little authoritative tone, smiling at me in the mirror. I'm feeling my depression kinda floating away. I'm not normally the one who gets held, ya know. I think people are afraid of me, I guess I don't normally stay with them long enough to find out. I love it though, her arms around me, never admit it but it makes me feel I don't even fucking know...safe, together, and I guess loved.
"Oh yeah? What do ya' see B?" I ask.
"My world." The moment is so freaking sappy I feel like calling hallmark, but I can still feel the tears of joy stingy my eyes and the embarrassed smile that somehow makes its way to my face. She smiles, kind of nuzzling my ear. "Mm...Faith? You know I love you." She squeezes me a bit when she says it and fuck me if I don't let the tears fall. I feel like asking why? How? But I know I shouldn't. I just, I can't believe that I am getting this fucking lucky. I'm so afraid it is going to go away.
"It's not going away." Ok, fuck, how much of that did I just say out loud? "I'm not going away."
"I..." Can't speak as she turns me around and kisses me. She has these amazing little kisses; soft, sweet kisses that make my lips tingle afterward. Shit, she's beautiful.
She takes me to the bed she has been sleeping in for the past hour, the bed we just...fuck I made love...I... made...love with Buffy. Not only that, but god it was so fucking amazing. She pulls me into her arms and kisses me so softly, gently, and sweetly. Never, it's never been like this for me and I realize how long I've fucking needed something like this, how much I've wanted it. We lay down in the bed and she puts her arms around me, and God I can't even believe I feel like this. She whispers to me and touches me and I can feel how much she loves me, and I don't want to screw this up, I won't, and I can't. I need this, I... fuck, I need her. She looks down at me, smiling and I can't help but smile back and I feel myself softly kissing her shoulder.
"I love you, Faith" And there are the words. No one has ever...why does it mean so fucking much to me?
"I..." Stutter like a moron, but she knows this is hard for me. I get myself together enough to whisper softly. "I love you too."
Maybe I'm not that dark, y'know? Maybe what I saw tonight was what I wanted others to see. I push people away deliberately and I fucking know it. I try to scare them off, because I'm so fucking scared myself. I've been hiding for so long, but maybe tonight what I saw with Buffy, there was the real me.